A long weekend has passed and there is something that my heart wails, and I don’t know what it is.
Its almost like a familiar feeling of emptiness and longingness… that I’d hope will stop as my little holidays ends.
But lo, it lingers… its almost like the wailing has been there for quite some time now and shows up, unexpectedly.
Why? Why you have to show up on time when I finally thought everything is all done with!
I wanted to shake it off but I cant
The more I wanted it out, the more it shows
An uncomfortable feeling of emptiness, that I cannot help but deny the loneliness!
Lo, you have been away for so long and never that I never thought you’d passed by again!
Such a nuisance! I really just wanted life to go on and not wail… why must you come out of nowhere?
I don’t even know why must I wail? Is it because I just lost a friend or I have lost him? Or something else?
Yes, truly you existed in my life before I met hubby. And truly the longing was there…
To be loved, cherished and to share life with… it has been so long, I would have never thought you’re there again!
Unexpectedly, you are here and my world is not welcoming you but still… you are here and there is really nothing I can do now.
Its an uncomfortable feeling that I have lost something very important.
If it was a friend or a lover? It is something I can only long and could not control..
I can only pray that you be over soon. The soonest, the better. I really cannot afford a detour as inconvenient as now!
Yet, you represent a good change in life. Like you were before.
Unfortunately, I cannot help but deny your existence!
U came again at some point when I thought you no longer exist.
But now you persist, making your existence known.
Truly... You were never gone! And it only seemed you dissipated when you were satisfied…
Healed, so you retreated somewhere in the recess of my mind until something triggers you.
And here you are again, almost like a clown that pops off like a joke without humor!
You are all over my body and I am held hostage and cannot breathe! Nor move…
You are a very bad contradiction of my current state that turns off half of the buttons…
And you have successfully convinced every cell of my body to do as you bid…
Oh, for crying out loud! Why? Why, must I go down this road again!
Heavy and dark, dreary and weary! Cold and heavy! Like nothing is there but the darkness of the mood.
Nothing earnest but the silence that creeps every time you feel like gnawing.
Turning the mood off and challenging the very core existence of happiness!
Oh why! A misery that I have known for long time, resurfaces…
Haunting… daunting! Crippling and threatening when suppressed!
I only meant to be free from all these worries and yet you resurfaced!
What good does it bring to us if let i let you linger more it was deemed to!
Letting you chase the feelings that are bound to last forever!
Losing myself into these unconquerable dreams! A taste of another defeat.
However, I do not fear you! Yet the more you linger, the more emptiness grow.
Like nothing else abounds these days except the dreariness of this timeline!
Everything becomes a hollow, empty and nothing.
And all efforts to happiness were crushed in a single instance.
I longed for this to be over!
That my heart will rest and no longer linger
In despair, no longer wailing for something unknown
But rejoices in life as it passes by!
April 28, 2022