New Year's random thoughts - under the surface

I should be happy.

It is good that it is dark now, because that way my tears will not be easily noticed. I walk down the street. An ambulance is heard, just like the day when they tried to save him. He did not survive. And how can I look forward to the new year, when my dad is no longer with me.

In front of the supermarket, a child dropped half a bar of chocolate. His mom was mad at him. Why? Maybe she is tired from work or doesn’t have enough money to buy another one. So much superfluous and unnecessary anger.

People are in a hurry. The supermarket is full. It's a big crowd. Everyone wants to take advantage of every moment while they expect the happiest New Year's Eve. I feel their euphoria. It’s the same as the euphoria I felt last year. They look forward to every decoration that shines on the Christmas trees. There are a lot of plastic toys in the shopping cart. Too much plastic to fill Santa's bags. And I want to sleep over. When I wake up, I want this suffering to be far from me.

I run, but I can't run away from myself. I should be happy. I have a happy marriage and good children. I should look forward to the new year with them. I am laughing. But under the surface is pain. Pain that is not visible. The New Year will never be the same again.

Someone once said we are happy while our parents are alive. Now I realize that is true. While they are alive, we are still children.

Take care of your parents. When they are no longer there, we suddenly grow up and nothing is the same.

Am I selfish? It is the New Year and I should be happy with my children, but I'm crying and I want this to end as soon as possible. They don't know what is under the surface. And they don't need to know. We will celebrate together and enjoy the happiest moment in the world.

The illuminated advertisement reads "it is important that we are together". Yes, it is important. But we are not together anymore. There is an emptiness in my heart, which can't be filled.

When you lose someone who meant a lot to you, the body begins to struggle and looks for ways to get better. This year has been a struggle for me. Writing is my way of getting rid of stress. Writing helps me breathe, wake up again and keep a smile on my face. Still, I am happy to have become the mother of a wonderful little girl. She and my son shine like the brightest stars in my black sky.

I should be happy.

The read.cash platform is my highlight this year. If I hadn’t shared my feelings and thoughts with you now, they would have stayed under the surface, deep inside me and the surface would not have looked as great as it looks now. Thanks read.cash for existing and for helping me in a very difficult time.

I wish a happy New Year to all readers and writers. Spend wonderful moments with close and loved ones. I hope that we will share thoughts, experiences, dilemmas, advice, love and BCH here for a long time to come.

Article and lead image are original and mine.

All the best!