No, I Don't Trust God

Just a random day last week, I got notified in Youtube about a content of why he doesn't trust God. I knew somehow it's gonna be a click bait because he's a prominent content creator of faith in God.

In line with that, I know this is going to be a controversial article as well. This will stir everyone's opinions and views but I'm here to express what my faith dynamics is.

Externally, I may be religious. I go to church regularly but it seems to me that it is for the sake of "complying" to my grandmother's upbringing to us, to me particularly since I spend time mostly with them during my childhood days.

It's not that I don't want to go to church, it's not that I hate it, I actually learned to live with it. It seemed to me that it has become my habit of going to the church every Sunday and my soul feels incomplete if I miss attending the mass during the day.

However, I wouldn't count or consider myself as a clean, righteous, religious churchgoer because first of all, I didn't trust God. For all of my life, I acknowledge that God exists. Such circumstances happen that even Science can't explain.

I would say that what I practice is blind faith. I just follow the beliefs and culture my family has brought me without really understanding God's persona. And with that, I feel guilty and hypocrite. I am not being honest with myself. I am aware that this attitude hypocrisy and so I have to do something over it.

I have to say this, the church and religion carry the most hypocrisy count in the world. There are corrupt church officials, rapists priests, disloyal eucharistic members and other local authorities. Everyone is hypocritical.

I am not biblical. I don't read the bible. To be honest, I'm lazy reading it. I don't memorize bible verses too. Sometimes, the verses are too overwhelming that it is so hard to understand the context.

I commit sins every now and then. I lie to myself, I have pride, I still do the same mistake regularly but at least, to be fair, I'm aware of them. I feel bed and feel guilty whenever I do such undesirable actions.

All throughout, it's just me knowing that God exists but it's not me trusting him all the way. Many times, moments of grief, betrayal, unexplainable feeling, and other negative situations, I find myself surviving and being able to keep up with a lot, I don't truthfully give credit to him.

I would say that all that's happening to us are results or consequences of our actions in the past but for sure, along those situations are mysterious forces that saved us from bad happenings.

One video hit me so hard.

But when I saw this video, it hit me to the bones. It was definitely an eye opener. I realized that I have not been trusting God all the way. I just know him by existence but I didn't allow him to rest in my heart and soul. My heart is not pure. It is full of dishonesty and hypocrisy but when I watched the video, it helped me to find my path on trusting God.

I find it so cathartic. Looking back to all that's been happening to me, it all makes sense to me now. There were times that I can't even explain but over time, God helped me to figure it out.

He's not there to spoonfeed you with solutions, he's gonna give you situations that will be relevant for the future you if you look back from where you are now. That's when you will realize and acknowledge now it all makes sense.

What I have with God is only Knowledge but not Wisdom. To attain Wisdom, you have these both, Knowledge and Obedience. And to attain Obedience, you must have Trust.

My takeaway on this, I shouldn't act as if everything is under my control. Some things go out of our hands and from there, I should surrender everything to God. For as long as I did my part, I won't be guilty surrendering everything to him.

I'll leave you with this,

But then again, I respect you for whatever you believe in. Peace out!

Thanks for reading.

Keep safe everyone!