Some nights I feel like I just want to die. Some nights when I hear how invaluable I am to you, I feel like I made the wrong choice. Some nights I just want to scream and scream and scream some more to make you stop. Some nights I want to be violent and just smack the hell out of you. Some nights I am suicidal caused by all the pain you put me through. Some nights I feel I needed a protection. Some nights I wish I go crazy while you put me in a hellish situation. Some nights I think I am alone and helpless. Some nights I feel all these in one night.
If you love me, why'd you do this? How can you do this? Or should I be asking 'Do you love me?' instead? Why do you give me so much pain? Why do you push me to my limit that I just want to scream for help in my head. I can't scream for help thinking I might hurt you when help arrives. So I scream inside my head. How can you be so cruel?
Loving you is so consuming. Loving you is soul tiring. Loving you makes me feel like I'm walking in thin glasses. Make one mistake and I'm screwed. Loving you is so depressing. Loving you feels like a hell on earth. Loving you makes me pity myself. Loving you is painful.
There has to be a way... There has to be a way to stop all the pain you cause... There has to be a way to stop you from hurting me. There has to be a way to see brightness. There has to be a way without us giving up on each other. There has to be a way.. Please, somebody show me a way.
Despite all the pain and trauma, here I am, stupidly still in love with you. When did I become so pathetic? How can I be so dumb?
I just want you to change. I pity those who are happy. I pity those who feel loved. I pity those who are taken cared of. I pity those who are valued. I pity those who experience goodness in love.
I don't see any light, it's so dark. I don't see a future, it's vague. I don't see smile in my face. I don't feel anything but hurt. I can't move. Writing is all I can do. I want to sleep. Sleep until it stops hurting. I don't want to wake up if waking up means I will still be hurting. I just want to sleep and feel nothing.
Help! Help me! Help me stop the whispers in my head. Help me stop my head from playing the scene over and over again. Help me stoo arguing with myself inside my head. Make me stop screaming inside. Help me! Help me!
FICTION....
Jdine 🖤🖤🖤
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