Sanity left the room.. oh wait, it's back.

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2 years ago

My mind is blank. As the night deepens, I am becoming more anxious. I am becoming more annoyed. It was supposed to be a lovely day. It was supposed to be a celebration. A happy day. A happy night. But all my effort washed out. The thought of security vanished just like that. In one snap.

Have you ever felt like you were saving your money for something that is essential in your daily life and you didn't want to worry about how to afford it but then... You lost it. No, you didn't lose it. It was taken away from you by someone that knew what the money is for and how important it is for you at the moment. But it wasn't really taken away from you, though. You gave it, but you were somehow was just forced by the situation. Like you wanted to do it but then you didn't want to. But you did it anyway. Like you're in-between "it's okay but no it's not okay" but you gave it away, anyway. The feeling of regret. The feeling of being lost and angry because you have no one to blame other than yourself. Then you have to start from scratch but then the disappointment is getting in your head that you're starting to lose your wisdom to start all over again. You lose interest to sacrifice, to make an effort.. But "you need to" keeps playing in your head like a lullaby. So you end up being more annoyed. You end up hating yourself. You end up being irritated. Mad. You want to scream. You want to blame others. You want to point fingers. You want it back. You want to turn back time, thinking that you should've said no. You should've been more firm. You should'nt have let him know about it so he won't get the idea to take it away from you. BUT BECAUSE YOU'RE VAGUE, you feel happy as well. Or a litlle bit. May a bit more. Maybe you're just bipolar. (I don't mean it the wrong way, please, I don't mean to offend anyone) THIS IS WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

I feel a regtret but my mood shifts to being contented and happy and full of courage but then when I think of that happened, my mood shifts back to being a bit mad and regretful, mostly sad... What I do, when I feel this way is try as much as I can to see the blue sky in this dark dark night. Literally. As I've said it's already late at night. And when I don't see the blue sky (cause it's evening), I seek the light of the stars. I try to look and focus on that light thinking there's still light even on darkest hours. i can do this. I can still see in darkness. I am still alive. I can still wait patiently for the bright bright bright sun to shine again. There's still hope. I did it and I can do it again. I can start from scratch again. I can be patient again until I can see clearly under the bright sky. The blue sky.

There are times that you just have to choose what path you take. I think it starts from there. When you set your mind to what you want, no matter how many times you fall, no matter how many times you have to start all over again, you will and you will stand up. it will follow. As what the "Secret" implies... "law of attraction"... "If you can see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hands...." and "Like attracts like"

So I decided to see in in my mind so I can hold it in my hands. I decided to envision what I need and let my body do the work for me to get what I need. I let my mind communicate with the universe and my soul communicate with Him and wait patiently for the right time again. I decided and chose to be postive despite the negativity. I decided to block the stress and just be contented with what I have and what I have to work through. Besides, aren't I lucky to have to be working hard for something than have nothing to work out about?

Isn't it that working hard for something means that there's something to look forward to? That something is in store for you. Something great is on it's way depending on how well you do and/or how dicipline you are? Isn't that something to be thankful for? Isn't that better than to just live day by day with no goal to pursue? Isn't it exciting to sacrifice AND accomplish something great in the end? Wouldn't it be satisfying? Wouldn't it be fullfiling? Wouldn't it bring self-worth? Wouldn't it be great to have the sense of purpose? Like you have this purpose, and this is what you're supposed to do.. Not for her, not for him, not for someone else.. hence, this is your purpose, this is what you're supposed to do, for yourself... for you. It's like, you are given the chance to receive an extravagant gift and you need to extend you hands to receive it... you need to open up your hands and expose your palms.... you need to grasp the gift... or walk towards it... or travel a little to receive it.. or even travel miles to get it. You just need to move. Even babies need to learn to move to get that bottle of milk. Heck, we need to move and chew to eat. We move and we get what we want. We get what we want and we become satisfied. So, how can you be satisfied if you don't get what you want? And how can you get what you want if you don't move?

This is not an article about faith. But ofcourse, faith is highly encouraged. Faith that no matter how many times you fall, you are able to stand up with His help.. even when you feel like you can't do it. Even when you feel like you don't need to do it. HE wil be by your side... uhmm no... let me rephrase that.. I beg to disagree with what I just said... HE'S ALWAYS BY YOUR SIDE 24/7, 366 days for all eternity.

HE was, HE is and HE will.. Past, present, future. HE HAS BEEN ALWAYS THERE. Always has been. "Has been" something that happened in the past and is still happening in the present. But it will never it "HE WILL HAVE BEEN BY YOUR SIDE" because HE will never leave you. "Will have been".. future continious.. Something that is still happening but will end or will be finished. It will never be the case because HE will never be finished being by your side. "HE".. I don't think I have to elaborate on that one. We all know who He is. HE is the one.. The one and only.. Our God.

Wait, I look like I'm starting to teach english grammar and faith at the same time. Which makes me think.. I never thought it would be much easier to teach some verb tense in this manner. I'm not sure if it's appropriate or inappropriate, though. I have still limited knowledge when it comes to that (religious) topic. So, if I may have offend anyone for using verb tense in expressing my thought about faith, I'm sorry. It just came out off of me. This is freewriting and I am not deleting anything I type expect those typo errors (spellings, a little bit of grammar like missing words or letters) when I wrote this article. Just to be clear, I am not using HIM in any way. Instead I used the 'verb tense' to express my thoughts about my faith. And not the other way around.

Anyways, going back... where was I? Ah! Yes.. About deciding and keeping a mindset. I was sad and irritated earlier. I was irittated while I was writing the first paragraph and my mood slowly changes while writing the 2nd paragraph. I felt a tiny positivity rising as I go on to the 3rd paragraph. Maybe it's good that I decided to write this letter earlier. Maybe it helped me realize. Maybe I should do this often. LOL Not that I often feel irritated or confused or anything. What I'm trying to say is that, maybe I should write more often to just express my thoughts. No matter how random it may be or how bizarre it may sound to others. Maybe I should write more often. Just because. I mean, why not, right? It's not like someone is stopping you... unless you write something that is against the rule.. or law....

So.. that's it for now. This might be very long to read.. Yeah it definitely is long to read but I hope you enjoyed my not so little piece of essay. :) See you on the next one.

Oh before I forget.. I am open in constructive criticism. I want to write better. I like to write in this kind of manner. Like in this article. I don't know how to call it. I'm thinking "freewriting". I always thought it's called freewriting. I love writing random thoughts. Although I also write stories. Not that I am good at it. I still think I need practice and I plan to this by writing essats first. Random thoughts first. Anyways.. There you have it. Thank you and have a great day!



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2 years ago