@Jdine 24 July 2020 more from that month

Thoughts of a broken mind I don't usually feel very sad. I feel sadness but not this kind. I feel like I only have myself and myself alone. No other human can make me feel okay. No comedy movies can make me laugh or even at least a glimpse of smile. I know the cause. I can't fight the thought. I've been reading inspirational articles and all but it doesn't sink in my mind. I am usually happy or neutral. But right now, I feel so down. Looking for a man that was here for me when I needed him the most, my father. He's long gone. And now I don't know where to turn to. I look at my kids and it makes me sad even more. I want to laugh. I want to smile. I want to be cheerful again. But I don't think I am able now. I prayed. I prayed for peace of mind. I prayed hard. Hoping it will all go away instantly. I asked for guidance in which way I should go. I prayed for love to be felt by me. I prayed for forgiveness for all my sins. I always pray but this time I prayed even more. Tears are flowing, can't hold it down. Some people might think I over react but no. This is how I really feel right now. I also don't like this feeling. I'm trying to divert it into writing articles. I tried writing a positive article but I can't continue. My mood is just not right for that. I deleted my draft. I'm thinking of writing a article based on fiction. That way maybe I can let out the feeling I'm trying to suppress right now. It may not be related to my real story but at least I think the intensity is the same. I just want to let it out and hopefully I can let it go. Words aren't enough to express the depth of my emotion right now. No matter how long an article may be, I think I will just be circling around and only one idea is obvious. I am broken. I am sad. I am depressed. To all who also feel this way, I pray for you too. I pray we can have peace that we deserve. I pray for the moment that we are able to smile again without any pain in our soul.

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