A Chubby Girl's Heartbreak

I know that being plus size can make people mock you but it was never a problem with me. It wasn't that bad. I was never at the point where people laughed about my size or anything. But that also does not make me feel so comfortable with my body. Every day, I am fighting this eat more and eat less kinda war in my head. I love eating and I don't think it's a crime. I am confident with my face, but with my body? Nah.. I know I'm not that model type kinda girl but it was never an issue. I was okay with it. I am happy with who I am, well I was...

I met a guy who accepted me for who I am. He said he loved every part of me. He never made me feel embarrassed about my body. I always want to believe that Chris and I were perfect for each other. We're always happy. He made me believe in magic. I see rainbows when I'm with him. My family loves him too.

Chris is the kind of guy that everyone in my neighborhood loves. They call him Tisoy. He looks like an actor. He's drop-dead gorgeous, he's very masculine yet very gentle to look at. He looks perfect. And me? I'm an ordinary plus-sized morena girl. Nothing so special.

He's also respecting towards other people. He didn't disappoint my parents when they give curfew for our date. He always brings me home on time without any scratches on my body nor a frown on my face when I come home. My family thinks he's making me happy that's why they accepted him as well.

He came to our house one night to study. My family's gone for the night. They all had their 'business' that night. It's always fine with my parents for us to study alone. They trust him as much as they trust me.

We were in my room studying. He was sitting on my bed when I felt his hands on my back. He grabbed me and wanted for a kiss. I gave him what he wanted (kiss). There's nothing wrong with that. We are in a relationship. But he wanted more than that. I disagreed because I wasn't ready. I was not very comfortable with that thought because of my body. I thought he didn't deserve my body. He deserves better. He was fine with it. He just kissed me and said he can wait for me to be ready. He respected my decision. As awkward as it is, we just went on in studying.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was thinking of possibilities if ever it happened. Advantages and disadvantages mostly... I tried to shut my eyes off but with no success, I was up all night. I tried to call him, thinking it may help with the guilt. Yes, I kinda felt guilty for refusing him. I felt guilty for embarrassing him. He didn't answer my call. Maybe he's asleep already.

At school, everything seems normal. He didn't bring it up to me. We talked and shared lunch like nothing embarrassing happened last night. I assumed he was really okay with it and that he respected my decision. I loved him more, with that thought. He walked me home as usual. He called me in the evening and talked like we weren't even together at school. We talked like we haven't seen each other for years.

This went on for days and what happened that night just faded in our thoughts. He texted me and asked me if he can go hang out with his friends for the night. I am not the type of girlfriend that gets too clingy and demands more time with me than with his friends so I let him hang out with his friends.

I was eating dinner with my family that night when I suddenly miss him. I ignored thinking maybe I'm just being clingy. I enjoyed the dinner. My mom cooked my favorite dish. We were laughing and telling stories with one another. How I love to have a family like this one day with Chris. It may be very early to dream about it but I still liked the thought of it.

Dinner's done, I washed the dishes and looked at my parents in the living room. My mom and dad are watching TV, cuddling maybe. My sister's in her bedroom already. She might be in front of her laptop again doing social media stuff. I went to my room and turned on my laptop for music.

I was getting ready to go to bed when I thought of giving Chris a call. I finished getting ready then I called him. He didn't answer. I thought maybe he just didn't notice my call and I went on my bed. I peacefully listened to my playlist as I write in my journal about how thankful I am for everything. Yes, I keep a journal where I list all the things I'm thankful for every day. After I was done with writing, I tried to call him again but he still didn't answer. I didn't make any fuss about it. I switched off my laptop and went to sleep. I'll just talk to him tomorrow.

I had a very nice sleep last night, I even dreamed of Chris. Was it pleasant? Sure it is. We were on a beach and watched the sunset and later realized that my house is near the beach so we went inside and cuddle as we watched a movie. Yeah, it was twisted as my house is not near the beach but does that really matter? No.

It's 4 in the afternoon but I haven't heard from Chris yet. I tried calling him but he didn't answer. I wasn't worried cause when I called their house, his brother said he was sleeping. I didn't bother to ask what time he went home cause that will make me look like a detective. So I just waited for him to call.

He called me at just when we (my family) are about to have dinner. He said he was sorry cause he was really drunk and had a headache when he woke up so he wasn't able to call or answer my calls. I was worried but told him it was fine. He asked me to come over to spend time with me. I happily said yes.

Night came and I'm waiting for him in the living room as the rain falls very hard. It made everything cold and perfect for our time together tonight. The weather makes me want to cuddle. I also told my parents Chris would come. A knock on our door and I hurriedly jumped on the sofa to open the door. I opened the door and he kissed me in the cheeks. I told him to come in.

We watched a movie but I kinda feel there's something wrong. He's silent, he just held my hand and sometimes squeeze it as if I'll be going somewhere and he doesn't want me to go. I ignored it and just smiled at him when he does that. I thought maybe t's just the weather. Maybe it's just cold that's why. When the movie end, I couldn't take it anymore, I asked him what's wrong.

He faced me with a serious look and told me, "I have something to tell but please promise me you'll hear me out." I was thinking 'no no no no please don't.' I know that these lines come with so much pain. I knew then and there that there's something seriously bad is going on. I tried to be calm and gave him a questioning look and told him "yeah sure, what is it?"

"You remember when I hang out with the guys? That night we were just drinking at Josh's house. All guys. But then Josh invited Kim and her best friend. Do you remember Mia? Tisay?," he started to explain. I just nodded my head with confusion but I think I know where this is going. I have a bad feeling about this. "They came over, we got very drunk. I tried to call you but thought you didn't want to have that kind of environment so I didn't bother calling you. We got very drunk and ....," he stopped. I'm starting to shake now. I can feel my eyes beginning to be heavy with tears. I'm not dumb, I know what he's trying to say. "A-a-and what?" I almost couldn't speak. He looked in my eyes, he tried to hold my face, I looked down. "J-just get on to the point. Tell me what happened." I managed to speak straight. I didn't saw his reaction but I know he was shocked. He inhaled deeply and exhaled, "Tisay and I slept together that night."

"Tisay and I slept together that night," it bounced back in my head. In other terms, they had s*x. I looked at him straight in the eyes, tears flowing in my face. I tried to sound brave but failed, "Why?" That's all I could say. "I don't know, I was so drunk, and you... I thought of you when we were doing it. I'm ... I'm sorry..." he tried to apologize.

I know I promised to hear him out but this is so much for me to take. I slapped him and ask him to go. I broke up with him. He tried to reach my hands but I don't want him to touch me. I pushed him out the door and told him I don't want to see him again. He was begging for forgiveness, he managed to hug me. I wanted to hug him back but the pain was eating me up, I pushed him. "Talk to me, please, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this. Baby, please!" he pleaded. I pushed him more and I didn't answer. I closed the door and ran to my room and cried hard. The thunder was justifying my emotions right now. I feel like the sky is crying with me as the rain falls. I was in so much pain. Maybe I didn't know him well. Is it because I refused him? Is it because it's in his nature and I failed him? I started to doubt myself. I started to question my worth. I started to blame myself. I cried and cried and my body is shaking. I want to scream but I couldn't. I don't want my family to know my pain. I hate him. I hate how he made me feel. I hate Mia. I hate his friends. I hate everyone. I hate myself.

*Fiction*

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