Happiness Is A Journey, Not A Destination

January 29, 2021

Looking out of the window blankly while sipping a mug of warm water to make my feeling a bit lively, but to no avail, cold wind just sent shivers down my spine. The onomatopoeia of the oven made me startled and brought me back to my senses. Signs of depression showed up again after it was triggered by someone. A piece of bread seemed so hard to masticate, throat was dry and seemed blocked that I can not swallow. A stainless fork was like a heavy metal that was so hard to lift up properly. Even making noise and interacting with read doesn't help me that much.

I used to be so positive, but depression is depression! It can kill you silently. The new life each day should be something to be thankful for and having a set of meals on my table. However, my other half kept on asking, "am I really happy?" Feeling weary is what I hate the most and my mind is not in its good state to cheer me up. Sometimes it is our greatest enemy. It can bring us up on a sunny day but it can bring us down to hell on a stormy day.

I felt so down when this bottle came into sight and I got hooked by the words written on it. Seems like someone intentionally put this out to catch my attention, or should I say, to give me a message.

"Happiness is a journey, not a destination"

The events happening in my life lately were so weird, "is this a joke?" I said. As I searched it on my phone it appeared to be written by Alfred D. Souza, a writer, and a Philosopher.

The quote was just so powerful that it brought me back to my senses, and while contemplating the past I asked myself, "how did I end up on this journey?" "What is happiness to me?" "Am I really happy with this life and job that I have right now?"

When I was a kid, my father's presents and presence made me happy. He seldom visited us due to his work and only saw him twice to four times a year. But I was happier when he wasn't at home too because I can play outside freely. He used to be so sweet to us but one day he became a bad wizard that locked us up inside the castle. Playing outside with friends while he was at home was forbidden. We're like his soldiers that should follow his orders and whoever disobeys his rules will receive a big slash. I was just so lucky to be a girl and a good follower. But seeing my brothers receiving big slashes from our wicked father was horrible. At a young age, I witnessed scenes that I shouldn't see. Get one mistake and all will suffer.

Getting medals when I was in primary makes me happy because I thought my father would be so proud of me. I was happy to have some friends who defended me from my bullies. They said that high school is the best four years in life and yes it was. More friends and school activities made me active and happy, along with that feeling of having a first crush. Just seeing him passing by makes my heart beats faster and my mood brighter. College life was a perfect blend of happiness and freedom. I got more friends on board, away from responsibilities at home since I decided to live in the city, and even felt the real love for the first time in my life.

This chain kept continued until I get a job. I even thought that having a family with my first love might make me happier and might unchain me from responsibilities. However, my journey to looking towards happiness kept changing its position with time. Challenges were thrown from different directions. And the responsibilities placed on my shoulders outweighed the happiness. "When will I be happy?"

I was happy seven years ago when I finally released the grudge I was holding against my father for more than twenty years. I expressed it out so loudly but I just received a gun pointed at my head. A daughter who broke his father's ego deserves to die. If he only had the courage to pull the trigger, I was ready by that time. I thought I was brave enough to face the consequences of my actions, but the weak part of me took over and I ran away.

That was a big break for me. I ran away from my toxic life and wicked father. He got millions so I didn't worried much about my family. I was happy but I'm not. I thought I was happy with no responsibilities on my shoulders, but the baggage I was carrying was even heavier. And only the death of my grandfather reunited us again. Upon seeing the faces of my family and hearing their cries, I said to myself, "just let the time heal all wounds."

I started to fix the broken pieces of the past.

I work and work, because I thought giving back the effort of my parents will make me happier. I thought that seeing my siblings savoring the fruit of my labor will make my hardship well paid off. And with all my courage I conquered the foreign land because I thought happiness can be found here. But looking at myself drowning in the black hole of loneliness is pitiful. In some moments, I am sruggling to reach for something to hold on to, but no one was there to catch me every time I fall.

"Is my life really worth living for?"
"When will I feel the real happiness?"

People thought I am happy with life because they see me smiling. They thought I am happy with my job because they see me enjoying my life abroad. In every step I take, every mountain I climb, and in every place I travel, I always carry that smile and laugh until I get exhausted. However, at the end of the day, I still go back to where I used to stay. At a doomed place of solitude where I thought I am okay. An introvert like me should be liking the solitude, but sometimes the silence is so deafening and the darkness is so horrifying.

The dark night of the soul almost shattered my faith. But a beam of light passed through the window and lit up my room. I thought I will be trapped behind the depressing wall forever. Then at the corner of the darkroom, I realized that.....

I was in a hurry to chase that happiness that I was aiming for, and kept on running towards my ideal destination. But then after a long run, I still didn't obtain real happiness. I was blind, I was coldhearted, I was naive, I was weak, and I was so dumb not to understand that "happiness is a journey, not a destination." There were many obstacles but I didn't look at the way positively. Because I was looking straight at my visual destination of happiness.

Looking back at my past journey....

I should be happy that my family is happy.

I should be happy that I found my real friends.

I should be happy that I have experienced things that others won't ever have.

I should be happy that despite uncertainties happening in this world, I am still blessed with life, food, shelter, and a job.

I should be happy that I inspired people inside and outside my virtual world.

I should be happy because someone is smiling because of me.

I should be happy with the small achievements I have obtained in life.

I should be happy with what I have right now and not with what I am looking for.

And Mr. Alfred is right, obstacles were my life and there is no way to happiness because happiness is the way. I felt sad because I still don't feel that ultimate happiness I was looking for. But I forgot that only we can appreciate the real value of happiness every after sadness.

I know life is not perfect and there will always be something missing, something incomplete, and something unpleasant. I may don't feel that ultimate happiness today but someday, I know, in God's due time, it will come to me perfectly.

Maybe I just need to face the world of challenges with a smiling face. This might take me to the journey of happiness to which I am aiming for. I shouldn't look at it as a destination but a journey. I should keep that journey colorful and wonderful. And in every dark, there is always a light that will pave my way towards my goal and to see the real happiness.

And from this day onwards, there will be no more darkness, no more sadness, no more weary moments, no more dramas. I will stand tall every time I fall and will keep running towards my goal.

If you have read up to this part, thank you for your time. I just want to vent this heavy feeling out because I don't want to carry this for a long time. And I should be happy that I have this platform where I can vent out and share my emotions where some people are willing to listen. I used to sail alone, but then I realized that I need to get people on board to make the voyage memorable and enjoyable.

And I almost forgot that I should be happy because I have a new family - my #Club1BCH family. So in my next journey towards finding happiness and towards achieving my goal, you guys are with me.

Thanks for reading @Jane

Edited: included the part seven years ago. Need to release this all out.