Nam and I have been together for three years.
She's a psychologist and working from a mental institution somewhere in Makati City.
Nam is beautiful. She has classical features like you could see in old photo albums and she's the type of woman who couldn't hold an intelligent conversation. Her wit and intelligence are completely unparalleled.
Of course, she's a top notcher in Board Licensure Examinations for Psychologists and Psychometricians in the entire Philippines.
She almost had it all, except for one thing— she's martyr when it comes to love.
I admit, I'm such a terrible boyfriend to Nam.
I became so toxic, manipulative and controlling in so many ways.
In fact, the reason why Nam strived to top her board examination because I pressured her.
I warned her that once she failed the exam, I will never introduce her to my parents.
My family has so much high expectations when it comes to women that sooner they will call daughter-in-law and it would be a big shame if I would present a woman who has no decent profession.
My brothers already had their wives who are truly well-bred and educated. And I don't want to stoop down my level, either.
Glad that my girl passed the exam or else, ikakahiya ko talaga siya.
For years, Nam stayed despite my toxicity and immaturity.
Gusto kong ako lagi ang nasusunod. I never listened with her decisions. I chained her with my own ideals and suffocating love.
—
Months passed and I'm ready to marry her. Everything was already set and planned out. I always even mentioned on her that I want to have a baby and be a father.
But three months later, I found out that she's taking pills for abortion.
That's when she confessed that the baby's gone already.
That day, all I want is to hurt Nam. My vision went black and blurry.
"How dare you to kill our baby!" I confronted her and I couldn't help myself but to lay my palm on her delicate cheek.
She just cried in response.
"I've always dreamed to have a baby and be a father, pero anong ginawa mo?! Ninakaw mo sa akin ang karapatan ko bilang ama!" I exclaimed at her.
"L-Lance..." Her voice broke. "L-Let me explain..."
"STOP!" I cut her off. "You are a killer, Nam! I regret loving you! You are such a disgrace!" my voice roared.
Iyak lamang ng iyak si Nam sa harap ko, kulang na lang ay luluhod siya.
"Let's break up," I whispered in a cold, heartless tone.
And there, I left her.
—
A year after of not having a communication with Nam, I got an unexpected news which completely broke my heart.
"Nam's father has been jailed for raping her, Lance. While Nam is still in a mental institution," my cousin informed me.
My ears still couldn't process what I just heard and later, I could hardly breathe.
I felt suffocated.
I immediately went to the mental institution that my cousin has told me and my world completely collapsed when I saw Nam wearing a hospital gown... instead of white coat.
A psychiatrist called me and told me what happened.
"Nam's currently dealing with Post-partum depression which she acquired from pregnancy and unfortunately, her license was temporarily removed from her because she's incapable."
Mas lalo akong nanghina. Parang dinaga ang puso ko sa sinabi ng babae.
I've witnessed how Nam dreamed to be a Psychologist. I've seen her hardworks and battles just to get the license she's been dreaming for so long.
And now, the license has been taken from her because she's out of her mind and needs to be treated.
She's a psychologist but she failed to heal herself. She's now a patient in her own expertise.
Pabigat nang pabigat ang paghinga ko nang lumapit kay Nam.
"P-Pa... tama na..." she started trembling when she saw me.
God, she couldn't recognize me! The trauma in her face pained me even more.
"P-Pa... magagalit si L-Lance.. tama na.." she whispered in horror.
"Nam... I'm here..." I tried to near at her but she's so scared with people.
Nam stared at me and she smiled creepily.
And the next words she uttered completely destroyed me.
"Kuya... minahal ko naman si Lance sa paraang gusto niya! Minahal ko siya sa paraang kaya ko!" she cried and later, she laughed.
She's no longer in the right mind.
"K-Kuya, makasalanan ba ako kung pinalaglag ko ang anak na binuo namin ni Papa kasi takot akong mawala si Lance?" she laughed and cried once again. "
Oh, God!
"N-No, Nam..." Napalunok ako. "Everything's not your fault."
And there, the tears that I suppressed for too long are now falling.
"K-Kasi k-kuya... gusto ni Lance ng babaeng maipagmamalaki niya sa pamilya... kaya natakot ako..." she cried innocently. "I-I killed my baby just to save my relationship with him. K-Kasi kung hindi ko pinatay ang bata at nalaman niyang nabuntis ako ni Papa... ikakahiya niya ako."
Fuck! So all this time, she did it for me! Her father r*ped her but I did not listen! I let my anger and my emotions controlled me!
"I let Lance control me, kuya! I let him run my own world! I follow all his rules! I became so obedient to him even if it terrifies me! In decision making, he always win. I can't say no to him! I did everything for him, kuya. P-Pero bakit? Bakit hiniwalayan niya pa rin ako, kuya?" she laughed darkly. "Kulang pa rin pala ako! Haha! Kulang pa rin ang pagmamahal na binibigay ko!"
Mas lalo akong nanghina. Para na akong tanga sa kaiiyak.
"S-Sorry, Nam.." I cried. God!
Napatingin ako sa singsing sa daliri ko and I cried harder.
Because as much as I want to take care of her, she's already late.
Because I'm already married to someone else.
"A-Ayoko na mabuhay kuya," she looked at me in the eyes and she smiled weakly.
"Lahat na lang nawala sa akin..." iyak niya. "Kuya, pasabi kay Lance na maging masaya siya ha?" habilin niya sa akin habang nakangiti na parang bata.
Hindi na talaga ako nakikilala ni Nam. She completely lost her mind.
And there, I've realized what Nam lost while loving me. She lost her baby, she lost her professional license and worst— she lost herself.
With tears in my eyes, I was about to hug her when suddenly my wife called me to go home.
As soon as I got home, I received a call from the psychiatrist who took care of Nam.
She was trembling on the other line and the next words she uttered made my whole world collapsed.
"Nam overdosed herself with pills, Lance. The doctor tried to revive her but they didn't succeed. I'm sorry but she's gone now..."
Tuluyan na akong napahagulhol.
At the end, she kept her promise a happy ending for everyone— but not for hersel
________________________
-thank you
Thank you for reading