Reconciliation and Healing 💕

April 28, 2022

As humans, all of us have unique minds, and each one has its own view or perception of the things that happen around us. Perhaps we see different situations in different lights or angles, and that is somehow influenced by our experiences, beliefs, and values. This may also be why we react differently even when faced with the same situation. But I think because of this, misunderstandings occur, which we can't avoid.

I'm not a big fan of drama and conflict. At least in my personal life. I've always tried to behave myself so as to not offend people and cause conflicts to happen. I'm not the type of person who enjoys being caught in a crossfire. But as people who have emotions, we can't really avoid the conflict. The biggest conflict I've had in my life was with a cousin of mine. It's a very long story. I'll just try to summarize it the best I can.

We were really close. I don't remember how old we were when we met but I think we knew each other ever since we were born. I love her a lot and she's obviously very important to me. She's very kind and loving. Sometimes she loves too much she ends up getting hurt. To me, she's like a fragile flower.

She's obviously very beautiful that's why lots of guys try to pursue a relationship with her. She ends up falling in love but these guys are young and immature and they end up hurting her.

When we were I think 19 years old. She got in a relationship with a younger guy and she really really loved him. She wanted him to be the one but their relationship was very toxic. But she was too blinded by love to see it.

They would fight almost everyday and she would always send me cryptic messages like these so I got worried.

Translation:

"Please Jai 😔"

"He really wants to break up"

😣😣😣

"I can't go on"

Translation:

"I'm still hoping that he'll change his mind about breaking up 😔"

"I'm still hoping to soften his heart 😔"

"It's so hard 😔"

I'm not gonna elaborate on what happened because it was a lot and if I'm gonna talk about it in details, it would take me days to write. (It's a whole novel in itself)

So long story short, The conflict got too big and we ended up not talking and ignoring each other's existence for almost 4 years. I didn't really get mad at her. I was just hurt. I may have been ignoring her for 4 years but during that time, I still think about her and I still cry when I thought of her. Obviously, I loved her like my own sister.

If you've read my past posts, you would know that I'm getting married next month. The guy I'm marrying is her cousin from her mom's side of the family. (I'm her cousin from her dad's side so no, me and my fiancé aren't related 😅). I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I don't want to go into that with heavy feelings of hurt and guilt. That's why I reached out to her on insta.

My message to her was this:

Hi old friend.

I don't know if you're still mad at me. Maybe. But I want to send this message because I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I want you to be a part of it. You were always meant to be a part of it but some of the choices we made lead us the other way. There's a lot of things to be said and I know we've hurt each other very badly. So I'm starting by saying I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I've wanted to say that for a long time but I never went through with it. I guess a part of me was still hurt and the other part of me was ashamed of the things that happened. Honestly, I never got over it. I still cry about you and I often wished I made different choices back then and some of my words got lost in translation.

I remember you said that you don't see me as your cousin anymore. I understand. I gave up on you when you were in a bad time. I was tired of everything. I was having problems with my own mental health. I know that you came to me with your problems because you know I would understand and comfort you but I failed you that time. Gi ingnan ko ni nanay nga i block sa ka because she knew nga I would treat your problem as my own problem nya dle sya gusto na ma stress ko. I didn't know it would get so big to the point nga we didn't acknowledge each other's presence for years. You might not believe me but all of those things started because I was worried about you. You always call or chat me about your relationship and I really was worried and believed that Junreyl was not the one for you. Based on the things you would tell me, I thought your relationship was toxic and I didn't want you to get hurt anymore but it wasn't my relationship to decide. I confided in a family member about my concerns but my words got twisted negatively. I regret telling this person everything. When things got out of hand, I bailed on you. BIGGEST MISTAKE.

I never meant for everything to escalate the way they did. But here we are.

One thing that really hurt me and was the reason nganong nag duha2 ko mu reach out for how many years is the message you sent Eden saying that I've always been mentally unstable or crazy since elementary school. It hurt me deeply considering that I was going through some mental health issues but I understand that you might have said that out of pure anger. I understand that very high emotions can make us say or do things that we don't really mean (speaking from experience).

I did not delete any pictures of us in my phone. I still cry everytime I think about you. I always check on your account from time to time to check on you and I want you to know that I'm proud of you and the Woman that you've become. When you were in quarantine dre sa boarding house ni nanay Liza, I wanted to visit your room si badly but I was too scared that you're still mad at me and you wouldn't appreciate seeing me.

A lot of things has been said but I guess what I'm really trying to say is. I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING. I KNOW I HURT YOU AND MY ACTIONS MADE YOU FEEL VERY BETRAYED. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I STILL CARE ABOUT YOU AND I REGRET EVRYTHING I SAID AND DONE. I don't really know if you would forgive me but I wont know unless I try. If you're not ready to forgive me, I'd understand.

And I know we haven't been in each other's life for some years but I want to let you know that I'm getting married next month. Just a simple celebration and I want you to be there if you have time to spare. The guy I'm marrying is your 2nd cousin from your mom's side and I'd love for you guys to meet.

Much love,

Jai (a.k.a Yabbs 🥺😢)

Long read huh? I was actually very anxious upon sending this message. I didn't know how she would react. She replied after a few days and she wrote:

Hello. Good evening.

First of all, it never really crossed my mind that you would still reach out to me pa because I know I have hurt you so bad. And that you wouldn’t want to associate anymore with the person that caused you so much pain. And because of that, I just kind of learn living my life without you na. But this is very surprising and it actually made me happy. I’m sorry too. Really, I am. I know I’ve said so many hurtful words to you and I want you to know that I didn’t really mean it. And I hope it will not hunt you anymore because rest assured it was never intended and that I said those words because of the overwhelming anger I felt because of what happened.

You’re one of the person that I trust the most with everything, that’s why I always run to you whenever I am so down and in pain because I know you will understand me no matter what. But I realized that that’s not how it works because people have limitations.

Especially that you are struggling with your mental health. I admit I was being selfish that time, because my relationship with Junreyl was already at the edge and I want it so badly to still work and because I wanted to make it work, I was becoming impulsive. I overlooked your situation. Sa kagustohan nakong ma save nako akong relationship with him, nasakitan na teka. All along I was fighting for a wrong relationship, for the wrong person. And you just there to make me realize about. But I was just ignoring the signs. And because I was so desperate during that time to save our relationship, napasagdan nalang sad teka nga napasakitan teka. I was soooo blinded by my emotions and I was so blinded by the wrong hope nga mag work pa mi.

I was so stupid to not see that God was actually putting you between us to help me save myself from that tragedy. If it weren’t for you, I might still be suffering that toxic relationship. After we broke up, naka ingon jod ko nga “Jai was right” and I was so ashamed that I was ignoring all your advices.

So didto nako gidawat nga bisan kanus-a siguro di najod na mag uli. I hurt you and your entire family. And I’m sincerely sorry. You, reaching out to me brings so much hope in my heart nga naa pa tay chance to create new memories. And I think that’s how inseparable we are. Gusto ko mubawi nimo. Sa tanang kasakit nga akong nahatag nimo.

And I want you to know that I already forgave you even before you have to say it. And I hope you will forgive me as well. For all the pain I’ve caused you.

And lastly, I want you to know that I’M SOOO HAPPY that you are getting married. I’ll be there on your wedding. ❤️ I’m on my way home na from Davao and I would be so happy to see you yabbs.

Love,

Raven

So you see, we didn't realize that we felt the same way. We both made mistakes and we both felt bad about everything that happened. There was never a villain between the two of us. I guess we needed the time apart to grow separately and realize both of our mistakes. It feels very freeing to let go of hard feelings. Life's too short to hold grudges. Instead, hug the people you love more, tell them you love them every single day, live life to the fullest with no regrets. ❤️

Thank you for taking time to read. ☺️ Have a great day everyone and remember: