16-05-2022

There's always a time when thing's are terribly wrong against your expectation's and all suddenly you forget about your true self or felt like it never exist before

And yea that's what I'm going through and definitely it will not last forever and I'll try to become better that's only thing in my own hand

Rest won't be stop from happening or maybe if i find my true better version of myself than thing's will become more better with time

Last night 3 continuous hour's of asking question's to myself believe me or not sleep was like gone because of over thinking and actually when i realized i don't even know who I'm exactly that's what make me think or do hard work on myself to find my own answers

So where to start, have lot's of thing's told or untold both

Maybe through this topic I'll get my most of answer's.

Let me start with the weird one.

The weirdest thing i do

Lot's of weird thing's i do but one is kinda way weird coz I'm a guy who create people's in head and talk with himself

Like an imaginary friend of myself we laugh, share secrets etc

Maybe side effect of watching movies with same concept like firstly moon knight and than Mr robot both are relatable character but how far i actually relate with them

Need to find my better version

I'm curious if parallel or multi verse exist if it's true than i hope my other versions are way better than me and are happy

I look around same routine everyday nothing productive which actually make me better than rest of people's

Actually someone said right sharing meme or making memes all day is what loser's do and I'm nothing more than that

I made people's to leave me, I'm becoming more worse and losing my true self

I don't even know what is real anymore in my world, i don't need someone's sympathy nothing actually just a reboot.

One undo can fix everything

All i want is going back in time and stop myself from making those bad decision

Back in time actually year's back to fix or need to do one Undo to fix everything

Need to find My "Bug" (error) in system myself and delete it or fix it but actually don't know what my bug is

Maybe it's mobile phone which is changing and having impact on my life from year's till now it's making me more weaker

My mobile phone is Bug

It is one undo and "deleting" that moment when i was introduced to mobile can fix everything?

Yea it can fix but not everything happened because of mobile some was supposed to happen

Which showed me the real cruel face of world to survive but those moment's are always stuck in my mind not letting me move on and improve myself

Or i do believe being away from mobile will bring changes in myself which is much needed now

Coz I've lost myself in a virtual world where i can't see what's real anymore

When sadness turns into anger

Started living most of the time being sad and from so long mostly spending time alone and that's not a issue coz i like my own company

But sometimes sadness turns into anger and i really start hurting people's i love most with my word's

It's a fact no one notices your sadness until it turns to anger, And then you're a bad person.

Also I've no control over myself becoming more harsh and sick everyday.

I got no talent or skill's

I can't lie myself anymore it's enough making myself fool from year's and it's true that I've literally no skill or any talent

I don't even know what I'm good at, not sure about hobbies, not sure about my favorite colour or thing

I tried to learn some skill's and i failed every single time. More than a year since trying different thing's but nothing suit's me or I'm not good at anything.

Mental piece is destroyed already coz of career tension and I'm scared for doing anything coz of having no good results in the end.

My only dream

I got no dream's personally all i want or reason I'm still alive is making my parents feel proud one day

And doing everything make's them happy other than this I've no dream

Have seen a lot since i was a kid but stopped chasing my dream's or have completely deleted them.

My better lost version

I remember a different me which is lost indeed and difference between me and lost version is he never gave up, he is strong, he always know a way to deal with hard time, he can do everything better than this version

And all i think is need to find that version is start working on myself which isn't easy

Move from past and never get stuck again start rebuilding own self and there's nothing more good than a broken guy rebuilding himself.

Well was feeling low and stressed over something's maybe one day ill be able to talk about those thing's openly with anyone but feeling much better now.

fin.

In coming month i might take down mobile and break from this virtual world it's messy nowadays

Much peace after taking break from SmartBCH but other thing's aren't leaving so i might leave telegram soon and focus on noise or read and some other platforms only

Tried to make a cover for hive and let me know how it is. Finding Noise or read logo was a difficult task actually read logo "R" was not available anywhere so i zoomed a lot from browser and took screenshot than cropped it to use

Though "Not a self made" without noise or read cash becoming a content creator was never possible.