It was dawn, and a gloomy weather one day in August. She's standing at the balcony of their family house, waiting for the sun to shine its light, while sipping her cup of hot coffee made of instant coffee mix and milk. She is a coffee lover, but it seems brewed coffee does not like her. Or she’s just used to drinking instant mix that sometimes she can not stomach a brewed one. Or she just drinks lots of cups so that is why.
Feeling the breeze brushing through her, she’s been gazing around, her eyes narrowed while inspecting every scenery in her view, trying to check if there might be new things to see. She’s trying her best not to think. She seemed disturbed. But by what? Or why? Or whom? Isn’t she just fighting herself again? I tried to talk it out with her, but it seems she does not want to listen. She’s a hard- headed girl after all.
I know she has lots of things to worry about, and she expected to have a breather once she’s here in her hometown. But the hectic house chores while doing her best to make money online just made it harder for her. Or she’s just complaining. She ran away from the bustles of the city and she thought she’s off the hook here. But not at all if what she’s running away from is from inside of her.
She came from a heartache just a year before. She thought she’s getting by good. Kept herself busy with their daily lives. Doing her best to not think about her dreadful moments. Don’t think. That’s what she was doing. But the haunting don’t stop just like that. Just like all the things in the world, moving on and healing is a process. Slowly. In time. But she’s just running away, unable to accept the facts. That is why she couldn’t bring herself to be free.
What does she yearn for? A shoulder to lean on? An emotional support? In the end, what she needs is herself to let go of the fact that things happen just the way it’s meant to happen. Her fate depends on what choices she’s making. And she chooses all the bad things life offers. She always chooses the complicated way. When in fact, it’s easy. When she wants to be happy, she just needs to be happy. When she wants to be strong, she just needs to stay strong. When she feels sad, it’s okay, she just needs to feel it. Isn’t it that simple? And uncomplicated. I think I might have to bang her head on the wall for her to realize that one of these days. Hahaha.
While patiently waiting for the sun to come out, she stood there looking unfazed. But standing up for a couple of minutes made her legs and feet tired. Directing her view from where the sun usually rise up, she sat at the turquoise colored mono block chair that’s faded in time while it weathers the heat of the sun and being drenched with rain, and so forth. Crossed her legs and relaxed. Her cup of coffee almost empty and cold. She put it down the rundown table beside the chair.
She slid her right hand on the pocket of her pants and brought out her phone, checked the time, it’s almost 5 in the morning. Good old sun might not be seen yet in a while. Checked her message box. It’s empty. What was she expecting? Hahaha.
She decided to just focus on herself and her kid. Enjoying every bits and pieces of their time together. She’s finally a little happy. Until she met this guy. And some of the resolve she said to do just melted away because of her emotions. That changes too, you know, in time. Hahaha. She just let it move like a stagnant flowing river, undisturbed. They were having a good time, making each other inspiration in their daily lives. It’s getting deeper. And so that’s what she is afraid of also. To go in deep in her emotions that she can’t control what she’s feeling again.
Her trust issues surfaced again, trying to nitpick every nook and corner of their open relationship. She wanted that attention only to herself. There is no third party, but she just couldn’t handle herself thinking that way. She’s really hard to love, I know. She starts fights and misunderstandings. That’s how she is. And she always needed assurance. She will always try to push people away, because she wants them to pull her closer. She wants them to fight for her. But that was just only a wishful thinking for her. She knows her boundaries and limits. And so she’s always the one to give up first, feigning unawareness to the person involved. She knows communication is really important but she really isn’t vocal to what she thinks. And she doesn’t want to look controlling and toxic. Because she thinks it’s absurd. But it really is, now that I am thinking about how she is. Hahaha.
Too thick clouds loomed the sky and her patience ran out. And so she came inside the house, down the kitchen and filled another cup of hot water. This time, she made herself a cup of hot chocolate. Though she put spoonfuls of powdered milk and powdered choco malt in. That’s still hot choco, right. Hahaha.
She went up again. Now the sun’s finally rising on the horizon, giving hope of a new bright day. She closed her eyes and felt the warm light touch her skin. Amazing!
Hiya hiya there! Thank you for reading until here! I hope you enjoyed my ramblings again even if it’s not perfect! Yoohoo!+_+
An excellent way to express dearest friend! Im with you there!