Her Pursuit of Validation

After writing my first article here, I planned to add another last May, but due to some circumstances I was not able to do so. And so I promised myself to write another due June if not July.

Previously, I talked about my reluctance in writing. I know I have so many things to let out, but what’s keeping me is the approval I longed to get. Not from anybody else. But from myself.

The courage to freely voice out your opinions. I shut my mouth off. Myself out.

How easy it could have been if I am more vocal to what I am really feeling, right? How easy it could have been to freely talk and not filter out your words because you do know so yourself that you don’t spout uncomfortable words to the other person.

Some time ago, my kid and I visited my friend whom I didn’t get to see for a long period of time. Two years, that is long. Haha. We sometimes talk online but rarely get to see each other because we now have our own family lives to live and plus the situation we are in today.

We had our long time no see talks and get to share some of the activities we do during this pandemic and even before. After some time she said she has an assignment so I made way for her to do it. But rather she started writing up an article to post here. I was really jealous on how she does it. Simply having an idea then easily put it on paper. I always praise her for that.

Since she’s my long time friend and she knew a little more of me, I rant to her about me not having any ideas to write. About my inhibitions as to why I refuse to write. And many more rants.

She laughed at my silliness. It’s not mockery but I think astonishment about how I perceive everything. Then she smiled and told me that people are uniquely different. That what my brother’s achievements are different from mine. And I should stop belittling myself and prove that I also can do better, or even much more. Yeah, she said all that with her hands swinging. What do we even call that? Hahaha. To give emphasis about what she is talking about. To give impact.

It took me minutes to digest everything she said. And yeah, I so agree. However, as foolish as me, I still have an ounce of procrastination left. But gosh I needed that boost. And I was so happy that I get to talk to her about that.

It’s not even rejection this time. And that doesn’t even matter now.

It doesn’t even matter what people may think about how I write my thing.

What really mattered now is my struggle about the fact that I had been battling myself from the skills and abilities that I am trying hard to hide which is trying to come out.

Does that even make sense?

Still… I believe that in my journey through this ink world, I know I undoubtedly have lots of fights I need to win. A little more step forward and step back moments that I need to get over. A little trust in my own self I need to build. A little wall to put up around myself to not runaway again. And a little push to myself to always voice things out in the open. Be it negative or positive words that I need to let out.

I decided to continue writing even just once in a while to let my voice be heard. To let me freely express what I am keeping inside when things gets tough here in my real world. I needed that to keep me from things that’s tiring me out. And to keep me nearer from things that might make me grow. As a person. And as a writer.

I will end my sentiments here again.

Thank you for reading!