Change Triggers What

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Time in my head seems to pound so loud. I am lying here in our bed, hoping I would be able to catch some early sleep. But it seems to be late in its visit.

After waking up this morning, I already felt what kind of a day awaits me.

Empty.

At least an eighth of a whole ten of me only. The other two whole for my kid.

A walking shell mimicking how her day was. It’s been some time that I feel this kind of worthlessness.

I was trying my best to make it a productive day. But all I did was function like an AI that was programmed to, you know? Haha.

This is what happens if we push ourselves too much until we’re on the verge of a breaking point. I am human. And I was supposed to just enjoy my time. There should be no more tension as I was just recovering from that hell of a hole for a whole year now. And any exploit can take me back to that point where I can not function so well at all.

Those times where I can not think decently. My hands and feet were always cold. I can’t even eat a proper meal. Throwing up at the first spoonful. Sleeping like there’s no tomorrow. Those kinds of days. But I know I can’t go back to those times now. Not right now. And I am hoping not ever. It’s a battle of the mind. And as what the experts always says; it’s good to visit your past, but don’t stay long. Ain’t it just great? If only it’s easier said than done. But yeah, it’s just the battle of the minds. You decide who you let win.

Why am I writing this? Because it is more liberating than letting off steam to those people I care about. Because I know in the process I can not edit or filter what I am about to say, just rambling everything to the other person. Letting out my hurt and inflicting pain to the other person in the process. I know I can be rough sometimes. And so I couldn’t have the audacity to do so. Now I know. And I also know I will break this again and again. Rambling to change and breaking the moment I have the chance to. But that’s a really good start. Knowing our shortcomings to be able to also know how to change it.

Before I knew of this platform, my daily activities were just amazing. And simple. Waking up in the morning energized, attending to my child, doing house chores, then if I have free time, I read manga or manhwa, or even watch movies or TV series to end my day. No dramas as I brush away any thoughts about that love-story-that-ended-with-tragedy kind of relationship. So yeah, I was getting by. On my own.

Entering again the world of crypto, it’s all different. We get to meet all kinds of people. Some became your friends, some strayed, some stayed. Everything changed again. And here I am again, can not adapt to the sudden switch in my routine. Because it’s not easy for me. To see change.

It’s almost five months since I joined these platforms, together with crypto faucet claiming, and a lot has happened in that time frame. I was still loafing off my time in the beginning. Doing things in my own pace. It should have been that way, actually. But as an over thinker that I am, I tend to complicate everything. I put pressure to myself. That every day I should do better. But since I am not adept to the art of change, it is too difficult for me. But it is inevitable. And the only way to move forward to is to change.

So I am making a deal with myself.

To just let everything take its course in its right pace.

To not abuse the choices I am given every day.

To not force the outcome of the choices I am making.

And to take everything more slowly, surely, positively.

I think of making a list, print and post it at the fridge door. Hahaha.

As of this writing, my heart is getting full, and my negativity is starting to wear off. It’s just like breathing, we let out the carbon dioxide in order to breathe in clean oxygen. Am I even making any sense? Hahaha.

I don’t mean to negate everything. And I don’t mean to make you feel down with my article, or sympathize with me for that matter. We all have that hang ups to take care of so yeah, I am just letting out noise. The noise inside my head. My string of thoughts.

And it’s just that sometimes, the only way for me to let off is to cry out. But writing it off is way more better this time. I think it would also be best to cry and write, but all those tears and snot might mess up the keyboard of my laptop. So I’m just going to cry in my head. Hahaha.

So what does triggers change? Or is change a trigger? Or even is a trigger a change?

Huh?

This again is one of my late evening thoughts.

Thank you again for reading!+_+