How healthy can sexless marriages last?
Are you experiencing the excitement of the first day with the person you love? Have your emotions diminished? Does the excitement you experience when you see this continue or has it become commonplace? You got married, You started sharing the same house, The time you spent together increased. Is everything okay.. Do all the pieces that complete the relationship fall into place, or are there still shortcomings?
What makes a relationship more than just a platonic friendship; physical intimacy and contact. It's natural for physical contact to have some ups and downs in marriages. However, some married couples may neglect or ignore the physical aspect of marriage or lose it altogether, especially after the child(s) are born. This usually indicates a marital problem that needs to be resolved.
Married couples can become roommates in romantic partner relationships without physical intimacy. If this is good for both parties, then there is no need to worry. But often, one or both spouses are disappointed and hurt by the lack of physical intimacy.
A sexless marriage is defined as a marriage with little or no sexual activity. It is estimated that about 2% of marriages fall into this category.
Reasons for Asexual Marriage
There can be many possible reasons for the decline or end of sexual intercourse in a marriage, from health to lifestyle factors.
1. Health Factors
The physical and mental health of individuals has a significant impact on their libido (sexual desire).
Some of these effects are:
Mismatched sexual libidos: Not everyone wants to have the same degree and/or amount of sex. Every individual's sexual desire has its natural ups and downs. When sexual desire and desire levels are not compatible between partners, it is natural for spouses to wait for each other to have sexual intercourse.
Childbirth: Women are generally advised by their doctors not to have sex for at least six to eight weeks after giving birth. In addition, the stress of caring for a baby after birth, changes in the body, fatigue and hormonal factors can also affect libido.
Stress: Excessive stress can cause sexual reluctance. In addition to the physical cause of the stress hormone cortisol lowering libido, the psychological effects of stress can make you so tired, worn out, and anxious that you run out of energy for sex.
Erectile dysfunction (ED): Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection can make it difficult to have sex for many reasons. While ED is a common problem, it can affect a man's anxiety level, confidence, and self-esteem. Men who experience symptoms of ED should consult a doctor, as it may be a sign of an underlying health problem.
Sexual desire disorder (CIB): CIB (low sexual desire) is characterized by a lack or absence of fantasy, desire, and activity. In women, a number of factors can contribute to CIB, including menstrual cycles, use of hormonal contraceptives, childbirth, breastfeeding, hysterectomy, and menopause.
Medication side effects: Many medications have side effects on sexual function. Some medications that can cause sexual dysfunction include some decongestants, antihistamines, antidepressants, and high blood pressure medications.
Depression or other mental health problems: Depression symptoms (such as lack of energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and depressed mood) are one factor that can affect a person's desire for sexual and physical intimacy.
History of sexual abuse: The current and future relationships of the person who has been sexually abused in the past may be affected. Emotional reactions such as fear, embarrassment, post-traumatic stress can seriously affect a person's sex life.
2. Communication and relationship issues
It can be difficult to maintain sexuality when you are in conflict with your partner. You may not even be willing to talk to your partner at times like these, let alone sex. Some factors that can contribute to this problem include:
Communication problems
Relationship conflict and arguments
Negative emotions such as anger or resentment towards your partner
Sexual punishment or passive aggressive sexual withdrawal
Cheat
power struggles
pornography addiction
Research shows that some of the most common problems that cause problems in marriages are; separate personal developments, poor communication, differences in tastes and financial problems.
3. Lifestyle and personal factors
There are several life factors that can play a role in how often partners have sexual intercourse with each other.
Some of those;
Boring
Tiredness
sadness, grief
job loss
financial problems
Aging
body image issues
Michele Weiner Davis, author of "Sex-Hungry Marriages," explains why sexless marriages with little or no sexual activity can be such a problem:
"It's when one partner desperately wants more contact, more physical intimacy, more sex, while the other partner goes: 'What's wrong with you? What's there to do with so much trouble?' Such approaches cause a great disconnect in their relationships. This causes a decrease in physical and spiritual intimacy in the relationship. In fact, it is about the spouse whose needs are not met, wanting to feel really wanted, loved and valued."
Davis says that not meeting a spouse's physical and spiritual needs can put that marriage at risk.
Solutions to asexual marriage
The first step is to recognize the signs of a sexless marriage and determine if lack of sex is a problem for your marriage. Whether a marriage with little or no sexual activity is a problem is entirely up to you and your partner.
Don't try to compare your marriage to others because every relationship is unique. For this reason, there is no such thing as the "right" amount of sex in a marriage. What matters is whether you have physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage.
1. Communicate
Talk to your partner about the problem of little or no sex in your marriage. It can be difficult, but this communication is necessary. Remember that even strong relationships can have sexual and intimacy issues. This is not a sign that your marriage is weak or in danger. It just means you need to communicate more and spend more time together with your partner.
If you need help with how to talk to your partner, how to handle the issue, you can consult a therapist for healthy ideas. It's important to make sure your partner doesn't feel attacked or blamed and keep this conversation positive.
Remember, every marriage is different. You should work with your partner to identify the needs of your relationship. Don't try to meet other people's or you's supposed "normal" needs. Talk about what you and your partner want, need and expect. Then work on these with your partner.
During this talk, aim to identify ways that you think can both rekindle your sex life. Exchange will only work if you both approve and agree to work together.
2. Focus on building intimacy
If you've decided you want to have more sex, date each other for sex. This may not sound romantic, but if done right, it can be exciting and special. Dating gives you something to look forward to. It increases your commitment to each other and to your physical relationship.
Beyond sex, it's also important to explore other ways to rebuild the physical and spiritual bond of intimacy that is often lost in marriages. Physical intimacy doesn't just include sex.
Make an effort to renew your love and re-create the spark you had in the beginning. Being close, both emotionally and physically, is an important part of a healthy relationship. Spending more time together (whether cuddling on the couch watching TV or massaging each other) builds a fundamental intimacy.
Other intimacy building activities you can try include:
Try a new activity together
Do physical activities such as going for a walk together or attending a yoga class.
Plan a vacation or getaway
Plan a "vacation" at home
Go on a date with your spouse.
3. Get professional help
It is important to consult your doctor to control medical factors that may affect your sex life.
Depending on the underlying spiritual and relational causes, seeking help from a professional may be a good option. You can get individual or couple support from your therapist to improve communication skills or learn stress management techniques.
You may want to consult a professional who focuses on marital sexual issues, such as a sex therapist. Your therapist will work with you to resolve the causes of intimacy problems and the individual factors that may play a role in your relationship.
Next steps
If your spouse does not accept that there is a problem in your marriage and does not want to change the situation, you will have to decide whether you can continue with a marriage with little or no sex. Don't make the decision to be unfaithful to your partner in frustration. Instead, start communicating to find ways to find the closeness you both need.
