Love Is Not Enough

John Lennon wrote the song "All You Need Is Love" in 1967. He also mistreated both of his marriages, abandoned one of his children, verbally attacked his gay Jewish boss with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs, and had a video team film him naked in his bed for a whole day.

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails wrote a song called "Love Is Not Enough" 35 years later. Despite his reputation for frightening stage performances and grotesque and frightening movies, Reznor got clean from drugs and alcohol, married one lady, had two children with her, and then canceled entire albums and tours to be a good husband and father.

One of these two men had a firm grasp on the concept of love. One of them, however, did not. One of these individuals saw love as the panacea for all of his issues. One of them, however, did not. One of these individuals was most likely an egotistical jerk. One of them, though, was not.

Many of us in our culture idealize love. We regard it as some high panacea for all of life's ills. It is the ultimate objective of life, the end solution to all of our agony and struggle, as depicted in our films, stories, and history. We exaggerate love because we idealize it. As a result, our relationships suffer as a result of this.

When we believe that "all we need is love," we're more inclined to disregard core values like respect, humility, and dedication to the people we care about, like John Lennon did. After all, if love solves everything, why bother with the rest of it—the difficult stuff?

But if we agree with Reznor that "love isn't enough," we recognize that healthy relationships necessitate more than pure feelings or lofty passions. We recognize that there are things in our life and relationships that are more essential than being in love. And it is these deeper, more important values that determine the success of our relationships.

Two Harsh Love Truths

1. Love Isn't the Same As Compatibility

Just because you fall in love with someone definitely doesn't guarantee they'll be a wonderful long-term spouse for you. Love is a highly emotional experience. The process of compatibility is logical. And the two aren't particularly complementary.

It's possible to love someone who doesn't treat us well, who makes us feel bad about ourselves, who doesn't respect us as much as we regard them, or who has such a disordered existence that they threaten to drag us down with them.

Love isn't enough when it comes to abstract art.

It's possible to fall in love with someone who has opposing ambitions or life objectives to our own, who holds opposing philosophical beliefs or worldviews to our own understanding of reality.

It's easy to fall in love with someone who isn't interested in our happiness or our well-being.

That may seem counterintuitive, but it's true.

When I think of all of the failed relationships I've witnessed or heard about from individuals, I realize that many (if not all) of them were started on the basis of emotion—they felt the "spark" and jumped in head first. Forget about the fact that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was a bisexual necrophiliac who drank acid. It was simply the proper feeling.

They look around and think, “Gee, where did it go wrong?” six months later, when she's throwing her junk out on the lawn, he's praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation.

The truth is, it was doomed from the start.

You must utilize your brains as well as your heart when dating and hunting for a partner. Yes, you're looking for someone that makes your heart skip a beat and makes your farts smell like cherry popsicles. However, you must also consider a person's values, how they treat themselves and others, their objectives, and their worldviews in general.

Because, as the ski instructor from South Park once observed, if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you, you're going to have a miserable time.

2. Love Isn't Enough to Fix Your Relationship Issues

My first girlfriend and I were head over heels in love. We also lived in different cities, didn't have enough money to see one other, had feuding families, and had weekly bouts of needless drama and arguing.

Love isn't enough when a guy and a woman kiss each other.

And every time we fought, the next day we'd make up and remind each other how crazy we were about each other and how none of those tiny things mattered because we're oh sooooooo in love and we'll figure it out and everything will be fine, just wait and see. Our love made us feel like we were overcoming our problems, even though nothing had changed on a practical level.

As you may expect, none of our issues were handled. The conflicts have place again and again. The squabbles became more heated. Our inability to see each other hung like an albatross around our necks. We were both so consumed with ourselves that we couldn't even converse well. I talked on the phone for hours and hours without saying anything. Looking back, there was no way it could have lasted. Despite this, we kept it up for three years!

After all, doesn't love conquer all?

That relationship, predictably, went up in flames and plummeted into an oil field like the Hindenburg. The breakup was a disaster. And the most important thing I learned from it was this:

While love can make you feel better about your relationship troubles, it does not solve them.

This is how a poisonous connection operates. The emotional roller coaster is addictive, each feeling high more meaningful and valid than the one before it, but unless you have a solid and practical foundation beneath your feet, the increasing tide of emotion will eventually sweep it all away.

The Test of Friendship

“You and your spouse should be best friends,” says one of the oldest pieces of love advice in the book. Most individuals interpret such advice positively: I should spend time with my partner as I would with a best friend, I should talk honestly with my partner as I would with a best friend, and I should have fun with my relationship as I would with a best friend.

However, it is equally important to consider the bad aspects:

Would you put up with your partner's bad habits in your best friend?

Surprisingly, when we ask ourselves this question honestly, the answer is “no” in the majority of dysfunctional and codependent relationships.

I know a young lady who recently married. Her husband was the love of her life. Despite the fact that he had been "between jobs" for almost a year, showed no interest in arranging the wedding, frequently deserted her to go surfing with his mates, and her friends and family expressed not-so-subtle reservations about him, she gladly married him.

However, once the wedding's emotional high had worn off, reality struck in. He's still "between jobs" a year into their marriage, trashes the house while she's at work, gets angry if she doesn't make supper for him, and tells her she's "spoiled" and "arrogant" whenever she complains. Oh, yet he still abandons her to go surfing with his buddies.

And she ended up in this circumstance by ignoring all three of the unpleasant realities listed above. She was a romantic idealist. Despite being slapped in the face by all of the warning flags he raised while dating him, she believed their love meant they were compatible in a relationship. It didn't work out. When her friends and relatives expressed concerns in the months leading up to the wedding, she believed that their love would eventually overcome their difficulties. It didn't work out. And now that everything had collapsed into a steaming shift, she sought counsel from her pals on how she could further sacrifice herself to make it work.

And the truth is, it isn't going to happen.

Why do we put up with things in love relationships that we would never put up with in friendships?

Imagine your best buddy moving in with you, trashing your place, refusing to work or pay rent, demanding you cook dinner for them, and becoming enraged and yelling at you whenever you complained. Paris Hilton's acting career would end faster than their friendship.

Another scenario: a man's possessive fiancée requested passwords to all of his accounts and insisted on accompanying him on work travels to ensure he wasn't tempted by other women. This woman reminded me of the National Security Agency. His life was essentially under constant monitoring, and it was obvious that it was affecting his self-esteem. His self-esteem had plummeted to none. She didn't believe he was capable of doing anything. As a result, he stopped trusting himself to do anything.

Despite everything, he stays with her! What is the reason for this? Because he's head over heels in love!

Keep in mind the following:

The only way to properly appreciate love in your life is to choose to prioritize something else in your life over love.

Throughout your life, you will have the opportunity to fall in love with a diverse range of people. Individuals who are good for you and people who are horrible for you can both fall in love with you. There are both healthy and bad ways to fall in love. When you're young and when you're old, you can fall in love. Love is not one-of-a-kind. Love isn't anything extraordinary. Love is plentiful.

Your self-respect, on the other hand, is. Your dignity is also at stake. Your ability to trust is also in jeopardy. There may be many loves in your life, but if you lose your self-respect, dignity, or ability to trust, it is extremely difficult to regain them.

It can, however, be good or unhealthy, just like any other experience. It cannot be allowed to define us, our identities, or our lives purpose, just like any other experience. We must not allow it to swallow us. We can't put our identities and self-worth on the line for it. We lose love and we lose ourselves the moment we do it.

Because life necessitates more than love. Love is a wonderful thing. Love is required. Love is a lovely thing. Love, on the other hand, is insufficient.