Constant hatred

Myself:
I hate myself for not noticing.
I hate my self for giving too much love.
I hate myself for asking more affections.
I hate myself fro trusting on their lies.

Them:
I hate them for judging my wrongly.
I hate them for not making an effort.
I hate them for always giving me heartaches.

I suppresed all the hatred from the world for almost a year already.

Being the black sheep of the family. I am a disgraced as what my father told me. I can't have work promotions because I lack on skills. My coworkers think I'm an idiot. Mom was the only comfort I have in life before.

Want to know why I became like this? Simple. Life get's hard as you keep on growin up. Expectations arise when you least expected it. Dreams got bigger and confidence became little. Dad expects so much from me after I graduated. He wants me to be the bread winner because he wants to retire and he wants luxury when he rests.

I mean how can a simple engineering grad do that? I did do part time jobs while working on a big company but it's still not enough for him. I tried to tell him it's not easy to find jobs these days and I'm trying so hard to meet all of his needs. He isstill not satisfied.

That's when I became rebellious. I shut doors and build great wall from them. rebellious not in a kind of doing drugs. I rented an apartment without their knowledge. Never came home for half a year and spent most of my time at my apartment. My friends are my books and food.

I came home skinny and look like I fight a battle in Spratlys without shelter and food. Dad became furious but never spoke to me which is what I like. Until now he never talk to me and I don't care.

The only thing that mattered to me now is my mom.

Bye!