My soul is broken right now...

We really cannot figure out life and one of its mysteries when it allows death to "reap" your soul or your loved ones.

My friends, I am broken, my soul is broken right now. And I wish I told her this before she departed, "Did I ever tell you, you're my hero? You're everything, everything, I wish I could be". Yes, the lines were an excerpt from "Wind Beneath My Wings". Because she was my hero, a person that I placed on the pedestal, whom I looked up to so much. And I wanted to become like her- our savior, our matriarch.

I lost someone so dear to me.

It all happened so suddenly- no one saw it coming. But I felt the signs. I was thinking a lot about her the past few days before her demise. I wanted to reach out to her the moment I got that scholarship and tell her, "Hey Mommy, your efforts were not wasted. I will do my best to redeem myself. This one's for you!". But she won't be able to hear that anymore because she is gone.

The sign that I had aside from thinking about her was a fly that went inside our room. I guess I have already mentioned before in my previous articles that I would always know when something terrible is gonna happen because dying insects go near me. My instinct always picks it up. But I was complacent that it was not her because she was okay, as far as I know.

But then yesterday, I was browsing through my newsfeed when I saw my aunt changed her profile picture into black and her comment was, "Auntie Glo". I didn't believe it the first time. I thought I wouldn't cry. I was wrong. I was broken.

She left a year after her husband, my Papa Saber died. It's supposed to be her birthday next month but I think she died because of a broken heart.

This sad news shook our family. She was our hero. She was our legacy. She set that standard of generosity to the highest level. She wanted us to have a good education so we could help our relatives and eventually, left our family status up. That was her promise to our great-grandpa, Luis Fernando Apostol.

But now, she is gone.

And I couldn't help but browse her photos. I saw that deep sadness in her aura. That moment when Papa died- she died with him. She was smiling in her pictures but happiness didn't reach her soul. I saw it being empty. I am just happy that she happened to witness my cousin's wedding, her favorite grandchild, Nissa, before she passed away.

I asked my Aunt Joy, why did she die. She said, "Bakit nga ba?". Because they knew she was well and healthy. She even survived stage 4 ovarian cancer. But she didn't survive being heartbroken.

And I feel so bad because we haven't talked for years after I got pregnant. I should have taken that chance when she was in the background while I was talking to my Aunt Joy. I should have lowered my pride and told her I missed her and I love her so much.

But I could only regret it now. But she is gone- forever. Shall I see her in paradise when it's my time? Or in my next lifetime? Only the Heavens know.

Life is funny and at the same time, unkind. Or unfair. Whatever you call it. You know, I just had heartbreak after heartbreak. But shall I curse life? No. Because I know it is the natural order of life- to be born and to die. It is up to us to live our lives and touch human souls and hearts while we are breathing.

My grandma touched a lot of people and changed a lot of lives including mine and I could only be thankful.

But how I wished I could tell her I love her so much. How I wish I hugged her one last time. Or saw her in a video call.

"You're everything, everything I wish I could be, Mommy. You're my hero". Sigh. May we meet again. I love you.

Despite my situation I just want to say, thank you very much to sis @BCH_LOVER for renewing your sponsorship.

My friends, let me mourn. Thank you.

May 20, 2022

©HermaniGinger