Seven Steps for Resolving Conflict

Conflicts are inevitable. All marriages experience them. Strong marriages are attacked by them and weak marriages are infected by them. The question is not: Should we have conflicts? Rather, the issue is: How should we handle our conflicts?

Seven Principles of Conflict Resolution

Urgency

Sometimes in our attempt to avoid conflict, problems are tucked away in a corner, and like the proverbial ostrich, spouses hide their heads in the sand. But problems are like weeds. The longer they are left unattended, the faster they grow, and sooner or later we face a forest. Conflicts are like termites. Unattended and unnoticed, they gnaw at the vital fabric of a matrimonial relationship. Therefore, issues should be be confronted and resolved as quickly as possible. To go to sleep with hostile thoughts toward one's partner tonight, is to program one's computer to produce multiplied hostilities to0 morrow. So the counsel of Scripture is, "Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not givefoothold" the devil a foothold" (Bphesians 4:26, 27).

If conflict resolution is to be effective, care should be taken to choose the op- portune time for addressing the issue lest we attempt doing the right thing at the Wrong time. The venue for dialogue should also be appropriate. We should also choose the circumstances that are most conducive to th dialogue.

If a variety of problems exist, it would be overwhelming to attempt addressing all simultaneously. Usually there are few key issues which constitute the "root of bitterness" (Hebrews 12:15). Often when these roots are dissolved, the branches wither and the fruits disappear. So it is wise to start with the principal issues, taking them one at a time.

Bifocals

Like a coin, every problem has two sides, and each spouse tends to see the matter from his or her side only. Someone has amusingly said that the issue usually has three sides: your side, my side, and the right side! According to an ancient tale, a number of blind men met an elephant and each attempted to identify it. While the one who held its ear thought it was a fan, another feeling its side said it was a wall, but a third holding its leg was certain that it was a trunk of a tree. Another feeling its tusk declared it to be a spear, while still another holding the tail insisted that it was a rope. The sobering truth is that not one of them was right! Why? Because each was examining only a part of the creature. Unintentionally, marriage partners often behave that way. kach views the problem from his or her limited perspective, forgetful of the fact that neither partner is encompass ing the whole truth, for the whole consists of the totality of its parts. Therefore, each spouse needs to make a serious effort to see the issues from the other partner's point of view. Moreover, as we shall discuss in two later chapters, male and female are in trinsically different, and perceive things differently. Consequently, both tive viewpoints are necessary for effecu conflict resolution. still another holding the tail insisted that it was a rope. The sobering truth is that not one of them was right! Why? Because each was examining only a part of the creature. Unintentionally, marriage partners often behave that way. Each views the problem from his or her limited perspective, forgetful of the tact that neither partner is encompass* ing the whole truth, for the whole consists of the totality of its parts Therefore, each spouse needs to make the other partner's point of view. a serious effort to see the issues frot Moreover, as we shall discuss in two later chapters, male and female aren trinsically different, and perce ings differently. Consequenuy both Viewpoints are necessary for effective conflict resolution.

In order for each to see the viewpoint, there must be viewpoint ingful dialogue. Open communication is crucial to conflict resolution. Each must be willing to talk, and each must be ready to listen. If this interaction is to be productive, we we must express not only the facts of the matter, but also our feelings towards the matter. Even more, we need to listen to the expression of those inner feelings.

It is also important that each spects the right of the other to express himself or herselt without interuption, even when it is perceived that such expressions may be inacurate..And it is crucial that each listens to the other without becoming overemotional or hysterical, without causing the communication process to get out of control.

An aged Indian proverb admonishes that one should never criticize another until he has walked a mile in his moccasins. The purpose of this interaction is to try to walk in the spouse's shoes, trying to see and feel the issue from the partner's perspective. When we can see both sides of the coin of conflict, we are wearing matrimonial bifocals.

Altruism

When we understand the thoughts feelings, and desires of each other the next step is to put our parther's desire above our own. This does not come easily for, by nature,human beings are selfish. We are addicted to putting self-first. But at the very heart of conflict resolution is the very heart of conflict resolution is the altruistic principle of putting one's spouse first.

This spirit of self-abnegation is underscored in the Scripture again and again. "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others." Then the supreme exam- ple is cited, "Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:3-5, NKJV). When Christ contemplated the cruelty of the cross, He wished for an escape. But when He thought of you and me, the ones He loved, and realized the need for His death, He placed our need above His own and died that we might live. He is our Model.

In writing to the Romans, thee apostle repeated this secret of conflict resolution when he said, "We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For even Christ did not please himself" (Romans 15:1, 3). So having listened to each other, and having understood the needs and desires of one another, the challenge is to put one's partner's desires above one's own, and to please one's spouse above one's self. As each mate reaches over to please the other, they are bound to meet somewhere between in the act of Christian compromise.

Action Plan

With this altruistic outlook, part ners are ready to create a practical plan of action. Here, brainstorming is useful. All the ideas should be listed and examined, and a decision made on the options that best meet

the needs of both parties. Procedures for implementation should also be agreed upon. The action plan should be specific. It should state who will do what, where, and when. When the prodigal youth realized that he had messed up his family relationship, he came up with a specific plan of action: "I will arise and go to my father." He even prepared his speech, "I...will say unto him, Father, I have sinned." Then, having clarified his course of action, he executed it effectively (Luke 15:18, 20, KJV). But an action plan is not static; it is dynamic. So, periodically, spouses need to sit together and do an honest evaluation. Is the plan succeeding? If not, why not? What changes need to be made? How should such adjustments be implemented? The melody of marriage is like the music of an orchestra. The instruments, good as they are, need constant adjustment to the pitch of each other. This noisy tinkering is the prelude to harmony.

Golden Word's

Frequently, on the battlefield of marital conflict, spouses hurt each other in what we say and in what we do. One vital aspect of conflict resolution is the experience of forgiveness. It involves the request for pardon, the granting of pardon, and the acceptance of forgiveness. Usually, each is reluctant to initiate this aspect of the dialogue, believing that the other is at fault.

There is seldom a conflict in which only one person is wrong. In almost every case both person are wrong. While one may appear to ae ersons are "more wrong" than the other, usually, to greater or lesser degree, both at fault. The easy question, for which each spouse has a ready answer, is Where was my partner wrong? But the hard question, the really important question that needs an answer Where was I wrong? It is easy to examine my spouse, it is difficult to examine myself. Yet, this is precisely the Scripture counsels us to do "Examine yourselves...test yourselves" (2 Corinthians 13:5). Each spouse should find the honest answer to that vital question: Where was wrong?

When that is ascertained, the next duty for each mate is to confess his or her wrong to the other Regardless of the size of the part one has played in the problem-be it large or small, significant or seemingly insignificant-confession should be made. There are spiritual and psychological relationships between confession and healing "Confess your faults one to another..that ye may be healed" (James 5:16, KJv). For all types of healing-physical, spiritual, emotional, or marital-confession is a requirement.

There are three golden words:"I am sorry." Uttering them enriches the marital relationship, for they are worth their weight in gold. Sometimes, however, partners say them then cheapen them by adding ng the Word, "but" with a clause that turns the gold to brass! If we keep those golden words, "I am sorry," and add the silver words, "Please forgive me," our matrimonial "riches" will multiply.

When a mate asks for pardon, it should be granted freely. Jesus pointed out that if we fail to forgive, we will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). Even when forgiveness is not requested, in the heart of the one offended, pardon should be given. Isn't that what Jesus did? (Luke23:34). And when forgiveness is granted, that pardon should be graciously accepted.

Optimism

Throughout all this action, reaction, and interaction, it is very important that spouses stay optimistic. We must believe that success is possible and expect it. If we expect failure, our expectation will be realized, for we will contribute to that self-fulfilling prophecy. But if we expect success, we are likely to realize it, because, consciously and unconsciously, we will contribute to transforming that expectation into realization. It is no secret that most of our battles are lost or won in our heads.

In one experiment, scientists placed two similar groups of rats into two containers of water to test how long they would swim before they died. The one difference was that those on group one were lifted from the water and quickly dropped back into the container, while those in group two were never taken out. Which group lived longer? Group one, of course. Why? Because they figured that if they were removed once, they may be removed again. If an optimistic rat can survive longer, what about an optimistic spouse? Jesus made a tantastic statement about the influence of optimism on conflict resolution. "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed...nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). Sometimes with a new surge of optimism we try again, only to become disenchanted when we fail again. But the candidate for success never stops trying. "Though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again" (Proverbs 24:16) And when Peter asked Jesus about rebuilding a relationship seven times, Christ answered, Up to "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21, 22). Of course, before we reach such a figure, we have lost count! The point is that true love is persevering; optimistic, and never gives up. It "always trusts," it "always hopes" (1 Corinthians 13:7).

The Prince

The final secret for resolving marital contlict is the presence of a thind person. This crucial key is not a human third party; it is a divine third Person. He is Jesus, and His name means Savior (Matthew 1:21). Not only does He save sinners; He also saves marriages. His ability to save is limitless, for He is "mighty to save" (Isaiah 63:1). Regardless of what damage a relationship has experienced, the Savior is able to bring healing, for He is "able to save to the uttermost" (Hebrews 7:25, Kjv).

One of His special titles is "Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). When the Galilean storm raged with satanic fury threatening to engulf the helpless seamen, Christ stood up in serene majesty and said, "Peace, be stilll" (Mark 4:39, NKJv). So when the relentless waves of marital strife threaten to destroy estranged spouses, this Prince of Peace stands ready to quiet the sea and speak peace to our storms.

But the Prince responded only when they called. Hour by hour while He lay beside them, they forgot Him! Moment by moment while they battled for their lives, they ignored Him! Then when in desperation they remembered Him, called upon Him, and prayed for His help, He instantly answered their prayer.

So many times in our effort to still our own storms and resolve our own conflicts, we too, ignore Jesus. We forget that He waits beside us ready and "mighty to save" (Isaiah 63:1). Often, when we have tried everything else, and everyone else and failed, then we remember our Savior. But whenever we turn to Him in prayer and invite His help, He stands in our family boat and commands the waves of conflict to cease saying, "Peace, be still!

The apostle James reminds. that after we have confessed our faults to one another, we shou, "pray for each other" (James 5:16) that our healing may be complete. 1f as spouses we will kneel toge with our arms around one another and pray with each other and for each other, committing both ot problems and our solutions to otur Savior, this Prince of Peace will still our storms and quiet our conflicts Then we will experience the thrillot Ephesians 2:14, "For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility."

Seven Steps in the Process of Reconciliation

It is wonderful to experience these seven steps and resolve conflicts in the love relationship with a spouse. But it is more exciting to ex perience the seven steps that resolve conflict in our love relationship with Jesus.

In the beautiful Garden of Eden, no such conflict existed. There was pertect harmony between God anu the first couple. They walked and talked, they listened and shared, they laughed and loved together. But suddenly, sin invaded Paradise and con flict started.

The problem actually began in heaven. Lucifer, who later became Satan, was the greatest creature of God's creation and leader of the angel hosts. But in his heart the mystery of sin appeared, and this creature defied his Creator declaring, "I will raise my throne above the stars of God..I will ascend above the tops of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High" (Isaiah 14:12-14). The angels became divided in loyalty and there was war in heaven kevelation 12:7). When Satan lost the battle, he and his angels were ex communicated from heaven, and these aliens landed on planet earth.

From his new headquarters, the devil began his guerilla warfare.

Although they were warned, Adam and Eve fell victim to the adversary. And in their free choice of allegiance to Satan, they experienced alienation from God. Suddenly, everything changed. When they "heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden..they hid from the Lord God" (Genesis 3:8). The love relationship was broken! The conflict had begun!

And from that day to this, every human being has come into this world alienated from God. We are all born sinners, separated from God. The desires of each heart are in conflict with Christ. Day after day, we experience this intense inner strife, this spiritual struggle between the soul and the Savior. Yet deep within each of us, our hearts cry out for reconciliation.

In Eden, it was God who took the initiative to resolve the conflict. He went looking for the ones He loved. He kept calling again and again, "Where are you?" (Genesis 3:9). Our loving God always takes the first step. In fact, of the seven steps to resolve spiritual conflict, He has taken six steps. We only need to take one! That's abundant love!

Incarnation

The first step that Christ took in His work of reconciliation was His incarnation. Just as in the beginning of time He lett heaven and came to the Garden of Eden to search for Adam and Eve, so in "the fullness of time" (Galatians 4:4, NKIV), He left heaven and came to the manger of Bethlehem to search for you and me and all lost humanity. "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us" (John 1:14).

But He did not only come to visit the human race; He came to be a member of our family! In order to bring man back to God, God became man! He who was "in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himselfnothing, taking the veryy nature of a servant, being made im human likeness" (Philippians 2:6, 7). As the Babe of Bethlehem, Christ took "flesh and blood," and shared in our humanity (Hebrews 2:14).

By His incarnation, Jesus was saying, "I love you and have come to be with you. I have come to live like you, to be hungry and thirsty and tired like you, to be tempted like you. I have come to understand your struggles, to experience your frustrations, to wrestle with your temptations. I have come because I want to be reconciled to you." What a Lover!

Crucifixion

The crucial step Christ took to reconcile us to Himself was His crucifixion. We were all born sinners. Sin is the root of our problem, the cause of the conflict, and the source of our separation. The phet declares, "But your niquities have separated you from your sins have hidden his face fro bur God, you" (Isaiah 59:2).

But on the cross of Calvary Christ took care of sin. That was why He endured the thorns upon His forehead He the whip upon His back, the mark His hands, the spikes in His feet, the spitting on His face, and the separation from His Father. He was bearing the penalty for our sins. He was paying the price for our reconciliation. The death of Jesus was the central act in this reconciling process. "When we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son" (Romans 5:10).

Then He gives us the gracious invitation: "Be reconciled to God" (2 Corinthians 5:20). When we experience His love, accept His sacrifice, confess our sins, and ask His pardon He gives us instant forgiveness for all our transgressions. And with His pardon, He also gives us His peace. "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 5:1). When we surrender to His love, the struggle stops and the alienation ends. After the separation is over, Christ's atonemen brings us into at- one-ment with Him.

Intercession

After His death and resurrection, Jesus ascended to heaven where he now ministers as our high Priest in the heavenly sanctuary (Hebrews 4:14). This is Christ's next step in the reconciliation process, and it is a vital step. When we give our lives to Jesus, we get instant pardon for our past sins. But day by day we still make mistakes, so we need constant forgiveness for present transgression. That is why we need Chrisť's intercession. Anytime, anyplace, we can turn to Him and ask for pardon and cleansing. "lf we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purity us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

Because He is our Lover, we can talk to Him directly. We need no intermediary. In fact, He invites us to "come boldly unto the throne of grace" (Hebrews 4:16, KJV). As we commune with Him day by day, we can be at peace. Every day of our lives we can experience freedom from guilt, the joy of forgiveness, and the peace of acceptance.

Reunion

But Christ is not satisfied with being reconciled. He wants to be reunited with His beloved. So while He came to earth the first time for the act of reconciliation, He is coming back the second time for the grand reunion! This is His next step to end the conflict. The "Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God" (1 Thessalonians 4:16, KJVv).

On that day, all humanity will fall into four categories. While the family of Satan who are alive will fall dead, destroyed by the brightness of Christ's coming (21Thessalonians 1:7-9;2:8), the family of Satan who are dead will remain dead (Revelation 20:5). But the family of God who are dead will be resurrected. "The dead in Christ will rise first," and they "will be raised imperishable" (1 Thessalonians 4:16; 1 Corinthians 15:52). At that time, the family of God who are alive at the Advent will be translated. "Changed- in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye they will be "caught up together" with the resurrected ones "to meet the Lord in the air" (1 Corinthians 15:51, 52; 1 Thessalonians 4:17).

What a reunion that will be! Husbands and wives, parents and children, friends and loved ones-all united again! But richer than that literal reunion will be the spiritual reunion when we meet Jesus! What a thrill it will be to fall into His loving arms! Saved! Saved forever!

Millennium

Then when Christ, the Bridegroom, is united with His people, the bride, it will be a honeymoon in heaven! Not for a decade, not for a century, but for a whole millennium! One thousand years of fellowship! The millennium is the next step in the process of reconciliation.

Onward and upward that great space trip will continue, past planets and constellations, beyond systems and galaxies, ever onward, ever upward! And as the portals of heaven swing ajar, saints and Savior will go in. Then the promise of Jesus will be fulfilled. "I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am" (John 14:3).

But still there will be questions. And because there must never be another conflict, Christ will answer our questions: "Why that tragedy on earth? "Why that calamity?" "Why is that person lost and this one saved?" Then the records of heaven will be made available, and a special type of judgment will begin. "I saw thrones on which were seated those who had been given authority to judge" (Revelation 20:4).

Yet, it is not only men and angels who will be judged. God Himself wil be on trial! His decisions and His verdicts will stand scrutiny. Every crevice for confict must be cleared so that all may shout in the universal chorus of commitment: "Great and marvelous are your deeds, Lord God Almighty. Just and true are your ways, King of the ages" (Revelation 15:3).

But what about planet earth? Because no human being will be left alive, the devil will be on vacation. In Revelation 20:1-3 he is pictured as being bound with a great chain, imprisoned for a thousand years. It is a chain of circumstances, for he will have nothing to do, and no one to tempt until the end of the millennium. But while heaven is for a honeymoon, it is not to be our home forever. Jesus said, "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth (Matthew 5:5, KV). At the end of the thousand years, saints and Savior will start their return journey to this planet. Earth, however, will not be ready to receive them. Satan and his angels will still be here. Bleached, bones, ragged rocks, deadly devastation will be seen everywhere. God must do a clean-up operation. He must effect destruction ther reconstruction.

Restoration

Standing in the sky, Christ will call to life the whole tamily of Satan from Cain, the first rascal, to earth's last rebel (Revelation 20:5). And when the devil sees the multitude, he will become mad with excitement. No longer bound, he will be loosed (verse 7), for he will have people to tempt. Pointing to the descending city, the New Jerusalem, he "will go out to deceive the nations" (verse 8) one more time. Convincing them that his superior numbers can conquer the saints, he will marshall his forces for the earth's last battle! (verses 8, 9). And in the midst of that rebellion, fire will fall from heaven. Sin and sinners will be destroyed in its flames and Satan and his angels will be consumed in its fury (verses 9, 10). But why should a loving God destroy people? Jesus gave the answer in Matthew 25:41. He said that the fire is not prepared for people; it was designed for "the devil and his angels." A person will be destroyed with the devil on one conu tion only: when he clings to Satan.

Since sin is the cause of the Sin conflict, in order to eliminate conflict forever, God must destroy sin completely. If a man or a woman clings to sin, God has no choice. To eradicate sin, He must eliminate the sinner. But while that sinner is burn- ing, God will be weeping! With tears in His eyes, He will cry, "How can I give you up?" (Hosea 11:8). What a tender, loving God!

That fire will purify our planet of every germ, every virus, every disease! A new environment will emerge free from the miasma of sin. John saw it: "a new heaven andanew earth" (Revelation 21:1, KJV). That's God's final step: restoration.

As that city in the sky completes its descent to earth, a new world order will begin. No more sickness nor suttering! No more mourning nor crying! No more pain! No more death! The "old order of things has passed away" (verse 4). Anew world of love! A new place of joy! A new planet of peace! No more sin, so, no more conflict! Lovers will dwell in peace forever and ever!

But the greatest thrill of all will be to see Jesus! The "dwelling of God will be "with men" and "he will live to face with Christ, your Savior! Con- with them" Revelation 22:4, KIV). Face ict forever end Tct forever ended! Alienation forever with Christ restored! What a thrilling thought. Eden recreated! Communion nought! What an ecstatic experience! want to see Jesus, don't you?

Decision

In resolving conflict between earthly lovers, there are seven steps.

The husband should participate, and the wife should also participate. In resolving our conflict with Christ, the heavenly Lover, there are also seven steps. He is taking six; you and I only need to take one. That one is our decision.

Although He has the powerto do so, Jesus will not torce us to be reconciled to Him. Because He honors us, He gives us the freedom of choice, and He respects our choice. But because He loves us, He is grieved when we choose to stay apart from Him. He pleads, "Come now, let us reason together..though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (Isaiah 1:18).

He begs us to break with our love for sin, because sin is the cause of the conflict. He asks us to turn from a lifestyle of iniquity, whatever it may be-lying or stealing, quarrelling or hating, smoking or drinking, profanity or adultery, wife-hitting or husband-hurting, worldly pride or sinful pleasure-He invites us to let nothing stand between our soul and our Savior. He cries, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28).

This is a moment of decision. To stay in conflict with Christ will cause unhappiness today and eternal death tomorrow. To be reconciled to the loving Savior will bring peace today and eternal life tomorrow. Would that we all can say as Joshua said, "As for my family and me, we will serve the LoRD" Joshua 24:15, TEV).

Let's have a coffee

Hari

Blessings...