You don't need to read this. I just need some place to let out my thoughts or I might actually do something reckless.
I wanted to continue R.E.D. today, honestly but then today, it just felt like everything was so hopeless. My anxiety was at the highest it's been in months. I don't know what to do but to write it out because I don't want to ruin any body else's day.
I guess that's always the case with anxiety no matter what degree. But today, it was too overwhelming. I am having a hard time functioning. Only pokemon helps me calm down, honestly. Maybe it's the only therapy that works for me now. I try to distract my thoughts by reading and commenting at random because in most cases, it does help but right now, nothing is helping.
I can't get my thoughts off my goals. I want to adjust it to make it feasible but I still want to aim high. I want to reach my goal of 100$ in crypto monthly but having to pay for my sisters' tuitions, their house expenses and bills and my own dorm expenses which I've reduced so much just to make everything fit into whatever salary I get. It's suffocating. my salary can't even cover everything yet they can't bear to adjust their budget to allow me to breath. It makes me think back to when I was only appreciated at home because I make their lives easier because I do their share of chores just so they could focus on their studies.
But then I keep thinking that maybe it was my fault that they have this strong, reliable projection of me when in reality, I'm this close to breaking.
Then there's also the case with my previous balance from College and then my tuition for review school for this year's licensure exam. I still need to finish paying for those because the review center just mailed me and I have a deadline of until the 28th to pay for almost 8,000 PhP or some 160USD. I have no idea how to do this. Been thinking of actually using up all the BCH I've been hodling (It's only at 0.1 rn because I've only been using what I get from noise.cash and I've just been swapping and unswapping from there) but then I want to save up 1BCH too at least before the first quarter. Because I've been seeing all you guys hustling so hard to make that happen while I'm still clueless on how to make it there.
I don't think I can ever tell these concerns to my family because the last time I ever voiced out my concerns, I was shocked to hear that "This is why nobody likes talking or discussing with you. You always sound so irritated and so negative. You're already contradicting when we haven't even tried it yet"
Yes, I'm pessimistic because I'm way too much a realist. If I know it will backfire then It most probably will. And it does then they blame me for not stopping them. I honestly don't know any way around anything.
There's also that job interview for the company I applied for. They rejected my application so I'm just left to extend my stay at my current company. I'm going to be forced to stay in that dorm. Alone this time, without my best friend. Alone to my thoughts. Maybe alone to pay such high dorm rentals as well.
And this time I might actually collapse from overwork. The ridiculous backlog, the unreasonable overtimes. The horrible pay. The lack of benefits. Sure it keeps my brain busy, away from my anxious thoughts and from thinking back on my now ex. But then nothing keeps me happy anymore except my dogs. 2021 has been out to get me. It feels like this year is just constantly trying to find ways to push me to the edge. I don't know anymore, honestly.
Anyways, if you managed to reach this far then thank you for reading. I hope it didn't ruin your mood. And if I could ask for help too.
If I lived around the corner I would solve this problem with your family for once and for all. I am sorry to say this but, yes I am a realist too, this has to stop and your family has to learn to take care of themselves.
Priorities are what this is about and you have to set them. Here we go. Make a budget for what you need for yourself this includes your dorm, food, drinks, fees, clothes, glasses, etc and savings. No matter if it is $ or something else.
If there is something left you can decide to give it to your ungrateful, greedy family. Indeed ungrateful they are! They should be ashamed to ask you for money. It should be the other way round. Your parents should give you money, help you with your rent and give you a great start in your life, your future.
If they are not happy with the tip you offer them make a loan out of it or better give them nothing!
If you can work, find ways they all can too. They are not your responsibility. So do not let them drive you crazy and stay away if they don't treat you normal, with respect and are thankful for what you are willing to give to them.
Do not save food out of your mouth for them. It's easy to live on someone else's wallet and manipulate which is what they do. They manipulate you!
I hope you somehow manage and will not believe the nonsense they tell you. There's a huge difference between realism and negativity. What is not possible isn't possible. They have to change their lifestyle, attitude and budget.
Take care of yourself first. If you break down, leave or die they have to find a solution themselves too and I bet they will find it within 5 minutes.
Take care, I know we live in different times but if you like to email or chat let me know. Your are not alone. 💕 💕🍫