You don't need to read this. I just need some place to let out my thoughts or I might actually do something reckless.
I wanted to continue R.E.D. today, honestly but then today, it just felt like everything was so hopeless. My anxiety was at the highest it's been in months. I don't know what to do but to write it out because I don't want to ruin any body else's day.
I guess that's always the case with anxiety no matter what degree. But today, it was too overwhelming. I am having a hard time functioning. Only pokemon helps me calm down, honestly. Maybe it's the only therapy that works for me now. I try to distract my thoughts by reading and commenting at random because in most cases, it does help but right now, nothing is helping.
I can't get my thoughts off my goals. I want to adjust it to make it feasible but I still want to aim high. I want to reach my goal of 100$ in crypto monthly but having to pay for my sisters' tuitions, their house expenses and bills and my own dorm expenses which I've reduced so much just to make everything fit into whatever salary I get. It's suffocating. my salary can't even cover everything yet they can't bear to adjust their budget to allow me to breath. It makes me think back to when I was only appreciated at home because I make their lives easier because I do their share of chores just so they could focus on their studies.
But then I keep thinking that maybe it was my fault that they have this strong, reliable projection of me when in reality, I'm this close to breaking.
Then there's also the case with my previous balance from College and then my tuition for review school for this year's licensure exam. I still need to finish paying for those because the review center just mailed me and I have a deadline of until the 28th to pay for almost 8,000 PhP or some 160USD. I have no idea how to do this. Been thinking of actually using up all the BCH I've been hodling (It's only at 0.1 rn because I've only been using what I get from noise.cash and I've just been swapping and unswapping from there) but then I want to save up 1BCH too at least before the first quarter. Because I've been seeing all you guys hustling so hard to make that happen while I'm still clueless on how to make it there.
I don't think I can ever tell these concerns to my family because the last time I ever voiced out my concerns, I was shocked to hear that "This is why nobody likes talking or discussing with you. You always sound so irritated and so negative. You're already contradicting when we haven't even tried it yet"
Yes, I'm pessimistic because I'm way too much a realist. If I know it will backfire then It most probably will. And it does then they blame me for not stopping them. I honestly don't know any way around anything.
There's also that job interview for the company I applied for. They rejected my application so I'm just left to extend my stay at my current company. I'm going to be forced to stay in that dorm. Alone this time, without my best friend. Alone to my thoughts. Maybe alone to pay such high dorm rentals as well.
And this time I might actually collapse from overwork. The ridiculous backlog, the unreasonable overtimes. The horrible pay. The lack of benefits. Sure it keeps my brain busy, away from my anxious thoughts and from thinking back on my now ex. But then nothing keeps me happy anymore except my dogs. 2021 has been out to get me. It feels like this year is just constantly trying to find ways to push me to the edge. I don't know anymore, honestly.
Anyways, if you managed to reach this far then thank you for reading. I hope it didn't ruin your mood. And if I could ask for help too.