Trouble (1)

Still picking myself up from that recent break-up and here goes another marathon of what ifs. I have been into cheating relationships before and I was very brave to endure it all by myself. My family esp.my mother and sister never knew what was happening because I never showed any indication that I am going through something. I am a hard-headed, tough child growing up and until I grew this old I can say that I still am. Everytime my heart experiences a break-up I just cry myself out and thats it. But that recent one? I was so devastated that I have to call my mother and sister to calm me down. Never have I did that. I cry myself to sleep then be woken up in the middle of it crying again. And it wasn't just soft cries, I was sobbing and sceaming. It was the only way to lessen the burden, to minimize the pain. I can't even eat. 3 days with barely water to keep me going. I tried filling myself up to somehow have the strength to move without fainting but everytime I do, I will just throw it all up. I kept imagining my phone ringing, but nothing registers on the screen. I was delusional for days. Devastated,tired, hungry and hurt. Not only was my soul hurting but it was affecting my body aswell. My brain feels like it stopped working properly. My work was affected. I cry in the middle of duty, I space out most of the time and I am always sleepy but can't even close my eyes without bursting into tears. Because everytime I close my eyes the cheating was playing in my mind's eye like a scene from a movie. Vivid. Crysyal clear. They say that you have to feel the pain so your mind and body will memorize it. Coz when they memorize it,they will get used to it and the pain will become just another normal feeling. The pain will become common. And when it becomes common, it will be easier to manage and you can finally be able to overcome it. And yes, I did feel it all. It took me a week to finally eat without throwing up. It took me nine days to finally have a good long sleep. And more than two weeks to finally smile again. And now that things have finally been able to move normally my track was starting to derail again. She wants to come back. And my heart is flustered like the person on the other end didn't cheat. And my mind goes "fvck here we go again". Capital H is overwhelming and capital M might loose the battle again. My heart and mind is always on contrast. But I was hoping that with this one,they'll both tell me what exactly I need to do. No contrast,just one single agreeable move.

There is always a visible answer,maybe I was just too afraid of myself and what I still feel for her hence I kept on asking my close friends what to do. I know what they're gonna say but I redanduntly ask anyway. Somehow the pain now is bearable and when it seemed to be slowly shining brightly,an approaching dark cloud is seen towards it. And here I am waiting for the fall once again.