Trouble.2 (Lies)
They say lying is the most common sin. And we were taught at an early age that doing so or committing it is bad. Lying is probably the most used excuse human beings do in everyday basis. No one in this world is safe from it. Some lies are needed to be committed to save a soul, to save a life, to save a human. But a lie once committed to hurt someone, is one that is unforgivable as it wrecks what you used to protect, what you used to love. No one deserves to be lied to for the sake of someone else's greed and gain. No one deseves to be lied to so they'll be destroyed by the truth at the end. But in general, no one deserves to be lied to, no matter the reason, no matter the motive. Lie is lie.
Everyday is a battle between doing the right thing but hurting someone or lying to protect them from hurting.
What will the world be if we are not capable of lying?
What will be of humans if we are not capable of committing it?
But as lie is a sin, what will be the weight of committing it if it is done out of pure intention to save someone from hurting? What will be the weight of a lie if it was committed to help a person whose life is in total chaos? What will be the weight of a lie whispered to encourage a dying human will? What will be the weight of a lie hushed to give hope to a battered soul? What will be the weight of a lie made to protect someone? A lie is a sin. But are we still a sinner if our full intention is for the goodness of others?
A sinner whose heart chooses to subject goodness, is never the same like the ones who chooses to instill darkness for their own benefit.
Trouble (1)
Still picking myself up from that recent break-up and here goes another marathon of what ifs. I have been into cheating relationships before and I was very brave to endure it all by myself. My family esp.my mother and sister never knew what was happening because I never showed any indication that I am going through something. I am a hard-headed, tough child growing up and until I grew this old I can say that I still am. Everytime my heart experiences a break-up I just cry myself out and thats it. But that recent one? I was so devastated that I have to call my mother and sister to calm me down. Never have I did that. I cry myself to sleep then be woken up in the middle of it crying again. And it wasn't just soft cries, I was sobbing and sceaming. It was the only way to lessen the burden, to minimize the pain. I can't even eat. 3 days with barely water to keep me going. I tried filling myself up to somehow have the strength to move without fainting but everytime I do, I will just throw it all up. I kept imagining my phone ringing, but nothing registers on the screen. I was delusional for days. Devastated,tired, hungry and hurt. Not only was my soul hurting but it was affecting my body aswell. My brain feels like it stopped working properly. My work was affected. I cry in the middle of duty, I space out most of the time and I am always sleepy but can't even close my eyes without bursting into tears. Because everytime I close my eyes the cheating was playing in my mind's eye like a scene from a movie. Vivid. Crysyal clear. They say that you have to feel the pain so your mind and body will memorize it. Coz when they memorize it,they will get used to it and the pain will become just another normal feeling. The pain will become common. And when it becomes common, it will be easier to manage and you can finally be able to overcome it. And yes, I did feel it all. It took me a week to finally eat without throwing up. It took me nine days to finally have a good long sleep. And more than two weeks to finally smile again. And now that things have finally been able to move normally my track was starting to derail again. She wants to come back. And my heart is flustered like the person on the other end didn't cheat. And my mind goes "fvck here we go again". Capital H is overwhelming and capital M might loose the battle again. My heart and mind is always on contrast. But I was hoping that with this one,they'll both tell me what exactly I need to do. No contrast,just one single agreeable move.
There is always a visible answer,maybe I was just too afraid of myself and what I still feel for her hence I kept on asking my close friends what to do. I know what they're gonna say but I redanduntly ask anyway. Somehow the pain now is bearable and when it seemed to be slowly shining brightly,an approaching dark cloud is seen towards it. And here I am waiting for the fall once again.
Beau
This is probably one of the best rewards of an early shifter. Our duty starts at 2am and my personal favorite about this schedule is this kind of chance. The chance to get a glimpse of the universe waking up. I am a sucker for this kind of view. I mean who isn't ryt?! Sunrise is a glorious view. Its a symbol of many things. For me personally,sunrise is a symbol of great gratitude. Imagine ,God woke you up to give you a chance to redeem yourself . You were given a chance to be something more. A chance to see the greater life that God promised you. This view reminds us that there is so much beauty in this life that you are still about to see. This view reminds us that by surviving every day there is a promised hope for us. That no matter how devastating our yesterday is, we still have room for reconstruction and growth. Just like how colorful the sunrise is, your life is made up of different shade so don't focus in one color alone. Life works in mysterious ways, spontaneous but beautiful.
Always remind yourself that you are made to wake up every day to have a glimpse of such sunrise. Have a good day ahead!
The unexpected tap (2)
You are not broken,you are becoming.
One of the best excerpts from the book Strength in our Scars. That book took a good beating to a pathetic self-pitying person like myself. I never thought that an unclaimed book would help me go through my journey of pain and confusion. It was as if it was meant to be found by me. It nursed my crying soul. Probably just like how the book nursed another soul before me. The book describes how it means to fall inlove, and how in many occassions the love that we thought was ours will become a thing of the past and its okey. It will happen no matter how much effort you put on to that relationship of yours. Only a lucky 1% of us finds that "the one" early in our lifetime. But the remaining 99%? We go on the extra mile to find that one person who will fill all the missing parts of us to make us finally whole. We the 99%, venture to almost a lifetime to find our "the one". And along the way we met alot of pseudo "the one". And most cases,we fall for someone who fakes falling inlove with us just because they haven't found that one person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Suck ryt? Such injustice.
I have never felt so pitiful in my entire life until that recent heartbreak. That book helped me.
With that book, I realized that not all love are the same. It never is. In every couple there will always be one who loves more and the other one who loves just enough to keep the relationship going. I realized that we should learn to choose our battles in love. If your other one decides to no longer fight for your relationship then have the dignity to let go and carry on. Love is not meant to be gripped upon, if it no longer fills your soul then it is best to let it go. Because the more you hold onto it, the messier it will get and the harder it is for you to move on away from it. The more you hold on to that kind of pain,the lesser you will value yourself and the more toxicity you will acquire. Toxic love is not meant to be experienced by anyone specially by someone who has only pure intentions. Someone who only wants to love truthfully. Someone who has plans to fight with every inch of their bare soul.
That book was a tap to my soul. My white flag.
The unexpected tap
I have recently fallin in love again with reading. I was once an active reader during my youth and I really do enjoy doing so. Growing up I have enjoyed other things more interesting than reading and so the once enjoyable hobby becomes an annoying compliance usually required by school. When Gay and I broke up, I got back to reading just to keep my mind busy and just so I can stop thinking about her even just for a little while.
The strength in our scars.
During one of my monitoring flights, a left behind book was endorsed to me. This was way back a few months ago before I met Gay. The book was unclaimed and so I went and purchased the book.And never thought that this book would help me understand my pain when my heart was broken. The whole book made me realize the things that seemed hard to understand or so I thought it was. I have never been so affected by someone before until Gay. She build me a castle but she was also the one who wrecked it. She gave me beautiful dreams then she turned it all to nightmares. She showed me how it feels like to be treated with all the green flags I've been praying for but she turned out to be the bloodiest red flag of all. And that book made me understand what I was going through. That book saved me from begging for something not worth begging for. Some of the answers I already knew but I still kept on asking the same questions like I needed a reconfirmation of what I know. Everyday was like a battle between my heart and my mind and most of the time my heart for some reason keeps on winning. So pathetic! And that book made me realize that I need to work something out so that this time my mind will win. Overthinker. And my mind tried so hard to win my battles. Missing her has been the toughtest since I tend to give in. I was chasing someone unreachable like vanishing in thin air. My only consolation was that she broke my heart but was honest with everything. Everything from one lie to the other. Atleast a cheat was honest because I do deserve to know the truth.
You are not broken, you are becoming.
To those heart hurt
It is never easy to commit to someone much more if that commitment was not as true as you picture it to be. I have seen people fall inlove and fall out of it like they're just changing clothes. I have been around with people who gives so much but recieved less to none. I have friends who met the love of their life then broke up coz they realized love is nothing but hormones. Love of my life--- nothing but false hope. Nothing but fleeting feelings. Nothing but a journey to self-destruction. They say that when you find love,you give it your all so you wont regret; then what will be left of those who give so much? They say that when you love you give it your all and not expect anything in return, how stup*d and selfish is that? Love is give and take. If you can't reciprocate the same energy,the same amount of love,the same effort then be honest enough to tell that person that you don't have the capacity to fill that kind of gesture. Be decent enough to let them go for they deserve so much more than being unreciprocated. Be sensitive enough to understand how they might feel. Be sympathetic enough to understand what it feels like to be in their shoes. Be kind enough to let them grow and be with other people who will have the will to give them the same love that you can never give. Be considerate enough not to cling unto them because you love the attention that they are showering you. Be human enough to find it in your heart to not give them false hope and false feelings just so you can use them to cover up your loneliness. These people loving so deeply needs reciprocation not fake love. These people giving so much for the name of love needs more than just Iloveyou breathed through the nose. They deserve Iloveyou sprung through the deepest of one's soul. These people loving so much needs to feel all the love that this world can offer. These people deserve to be loved just as how they can love as deeply.
And to you who loves deeply, always remember that you are a rare find. You are a gem. You deserve love in full not in halves. You deserve happiness,not curated but real and raw. You deserve a treatment like royalty. You are deserving. If you feel unvalued,learn to walk away. Hun, you deserve more. Always remember that.
Mary Gay
Days gone by and I thought that I am okey. Because believe me, being cheated on is not something to be taken lightly especially if you have put on all efforts to keep your relationship. I don't know if what I feel now is valid because its been a month and I still miss that person like crazy. The urge to toss a message keeps on refueling my nerves. And sometimes I wanna give in. I just want to continue hurting as it is the only way to still be connected to her somehow. Her memories are one of the fondest I have and trying to forget her is like continuesly torturing myself. She really made her impact so profound that not even her cheating made me hate her. I still do love her. I guess, I am being pathetic but I care not. I just want to express how much I still miss her. Missing how much she loves singing me random love songs. I miss her voice when she talks. I miss how her face glows up everytime I start to humour her. I miss the snorting sound when she laughs hard when we would talk corny jokes to each other. I miss how her nose tip would turn red everytime she holds her emotion. I miss her beautiful smile, the same smile that greets me everytime we're on video call. I miss how she is so mature with alot of things. I miss her talking about her dreams. I miss her glow up whenever she'd talk about the future she wants to build. Her dreams are pure bliss and I love hearing her talk about it. I love everything about her and never doubted her for a minute but it turns out she was the poison that left my heart and soul shattered. How could you not miss someone you made your world? How could you not miss someone you have loved so much you almost left nothing for your bare soul? Tell me, how can I unmiss her? Please tell me because I think I'm loosing my mind.
Mary Gay
Days gone by and I thought that I am okey. Because believe me, being cheated on is not something to be taken lightly especially if you have put on all efforts to keep your relationship. I don't know if what I feel now is valid because its been a month and I still miss that person like crazy. The urge to toss a message keeps on refueling my nerves. And sometimes I wanna give in. I just want to continue hurting as it is the only way to still be connected to her somehow. Her memories are one of the fondest I have and trying to forget her is like continuesly torturing myself. She really made her impact so profound that not even her cheating made me hate her. I still do love her. I guess, I am being pathetic but I care not. I just want to express how much I still miss her. Missing how much she loves singing me random love songs. I miss her voice when she talks. I miss how her face glows up everytime I start to humour her. I miss the snorting sound when she laughs hard when we would talk corny jokes to each other. I miss how her nose tip would turn red everytime she holds her emotion. I miss her beautiful smile, the same smile that greets me everytime we're on video call. I miss how she is so mature with alot of things. I miss her talking about her dreams. I miss her glow up whenever she'd talk about the future she wants to build. Her dreams are pure bliss and I love hearing her talk about it. I love everything about her and never doubted her for a minute but it turns out she was the poison that left my heart and soul shattered. How could you not miss someone you made your world? How could you not miss someone you have loved so much you almost left nothing for your bare soul? Tell me, how can I unmiss her? Please tell me because I think I'm loosing my mind.
No such thing as Sign.
I once thought that signs can be classified as real, you know something crafted out of factual experiences. Those junk words ain't true. They will just leave you amiss. Away from what the situation actually means. They say when you find The One,you will see the signs. But there are no freaking signs dude. All those "signs" that guide your relationship are all made up. There are no signs, they are simply words combined to overwhelm you. There are no signs,they are simply stupid non-factual flowery words that describes your imagination of what makes your heart flutter. Its all in your head. Spreading it like pamplets describing your idea of LOVE.
Law of Attraction
Had a deep conversation with a senior from work. He was always very nice and encouraging everytime we would talk so conversations are always smooth. The other day, he asked me if I ever have plans of resigning and look for a better job. Honestly, I don't love my job but it pays the bills. Looking for a job is like trying to look for a needle in a haystack, hard is an understatement. I do have plans of leaving but it gives me more fears than excitement. The fear of not being able to meet what the new job requires and the possibility that I will fail are only a few of those fears. But he told me about the "law of attraction" ,you attract what you put into your mind. It is more than just manifesting but more of pursuing. When you attract possibility then you will have endless opportunities. You just need to see the potential within yourself and the courage to put into actions your manifestations.
The danger in falling with lies
How do you know when one thing is true? Coz I thought I knew it then got cheated on by someone I trusted my future to. All the things I thought I knew richochet in a very bad way. We really can't trust easily. The person you thought was sent to be the love of your life became the very nightmare that haunts you even with eyes open. The moment you learnt of the treachery, made your stomach twirl, makes you dizzy, suppressed your appetite, triggered your anxiety and made that overthinking mind of yours work overtime. You wont eat for days but you don't feel hungry at all. And everytime you try to put something into your stomach it will just push it right back out. And you know no place or time to cry. You cry while eating, or in the middle of your work, in the cafeteria, in the rest room,in a public transport and esp. when you are alone in your room. Your anxiety doubles. It will make you feel like you are about to puke. And it will make you feel horrible all day. Like a big chunk of your soul got chopped off. Not only your body is drained but your whole being aswell.
Sad to numb to dumb.
Nobody knows your struggle more than you do. So you don't have to spell it to others for them to understand. You dont owe anybody an explaination why you are this and that. You simply be you and if others see that as too much, please walk out. Whether it be family or friends if they can't respect your mess learn to cut them off. You're already messy don't add another trash to further mess you up.
For in this fast phase world, all is fleeting. Nothing stays. Everything moves. All you can do is watch it flow infront of you and be prepared for whatever is coming next. You don't need to be hard on yourself because that's how this generation works. You'll just have to be understanding. Don't hold on to what wants freedom from your life, let it go and move on with grace and respect for yourself.
@Hannah_Joreina25