August 30, 2022

Hello everyone, how is your day!!!

I only remember that I haven't been posting anything for today just now. I was like slumbering in bed for whole day. I'm super tired and lazy. Yes, you read it right, I always say those words "tired and lazy". I say it to myself every morning.

As soon as I wake up, as I was drinking water, I will have a conversation with my mother and I will say "I feel tired" or sometimes "I am tired". While preparing myself going to work, I will feel tired instantly. I don't feel like working at all.

At work, I will see the pile of documents to review and process and I start to say "I'm lazy". While doing it, I stop from time to time if the pile of documents are lessening in number, but I always feel that my work are getting increase every minute, and laziness starts to spread in my system, then boom, I'm lazy.

When I am looking for clothes that will make me feel presentable, my friends will say some of their recommendation. I will answer them, "I'm fat, it will not fit me". It is a reality for me that I am fat, but the other person who recommended me something will not pursue looking for another because my pessimistic blood is working.

There are lots of scenario actually. One that I remember is when a friend ask me to try a side hustle in Remotask. There is a training there and I tried to learn all by myself. After an hour I gave up and said to my friend that I can do it because I am not smart. I stop already because I am not smart to understand everything.

Same goes with the training in Supahands. It is difficult too, and I am honest in saying I don't understand anything. There are people that could help me in the slack, but I already told myself that I can't do it, it is not for me.

I know you are irritated to read this further, but my thing is, I need to share this to you because you can see yourself in my story too. Have you ever done something like this? You start talking to yourself negatively and negative happens. When I say I look ugly all the time, I become ugly all the time. I am not the kind of person you want to be with because I am pessimistic. I am glad that I have two friends who stayed by my side despite my ugly sides. It is just good that they are not affected and get influenced when I look down on myself. Of course, as a friend, they will say it is not good but they cannot influence me to change.

I tried to be positive. I am positive when someone is feeling negative, at least it is not me who is positive. When someone is feeling bad and thinking negatively, I am there to contradict. I am there to lift a hand to make them feel good. However, it seems I cannot do it to myself. I let the bad events pass before everything will be okay.

Again, I tried to be positive for myself too. There are times I am telling myself that I am good, passionate and I look nice. Sometimes I tell myself that I look beautiful and I am great, however, it doesn't last long. I can count minutes that positivity will stay in my system.

I work best when I am negative. For example, in the morning, while taking a bath, I am picturing a scenario that I am busy, I have piles of work in front of me and I am stress. For me, I appreciate this kind of visuals in my brain because while going to work I am already planning of how to manage my work and time.

Another, when it comes to finances, I feel bad when the salary is not enough. Some of you will be grateful for you have your salary, but my initial reaction is to feel bad and feel stress for I cannot control it all. However, it serves as a signal for me to work hard and add additional side hustles to able to fill-up to insufficient amount. I will always remember that amount swimming in my mind everyday and that is my target number. It became a goal and I always achieved it in the end. I use that negative energy to pursue something and the end results is always positive.

Let me end this now. The purpose of this post is to know if anyone of you are feeling the same, or having the same kind of personality. Please let me know on the comment section.

Image is mine

All original content by @Grecy095