I am Happy if you Are Happy, not all the time Honey...

January 19, 2022

I am still thinking what is the flow of my article today. I hope I able to give justice by sharing something that happened today. I was quiet in my desk and very busy. There is something that made me feel irritated.

First, I am a kind and nice person. You can share everything to me and I am a good friend, a good person, a trustworthy one, yet I am only a human being that I get jealous and envy. Of course, having that kind of feeling is not good. Once you feel it, you need to shift your mood because, again, it is not a good feeling. Specifically and truthfully, if you feel bad about certain things, no matter how you avoid it, you will get affected. It could affect your performance. I, myself, is affected.

I don't want to be specific with this, but there are specific things that made me feel bad earlier. I will just put a general reason why I feel it.

Second, the reason why I feel jealous is that, even though I know that not everyone could get what they want, I was questioning myself if why on earth, that I work so hard and could afford it, but I still didn't get it. There are things that I really really want, but I do not get it. Despite all the money I saved and despite the effort made, I still can get what I want. Maybe even if you are the richer person in this planet, if it is not meant to you, it will not be with you. However, why are there people who can get what they want? Yes, there are people who can get what they want and they can easily get it, but I still can get what I want? Again, maybe it will boils down to something that is meant for you. Now, I realized there are something and lots of things that are not meant to me and those that are meant to me are the kind of things I need, not I want. Maybe I failed on the "I want" part. Maybe I am not born to get what I want but what I need. Or maybe I should shout to the Universe that everything I want is what I need, so that it could be given.

Don't get me wrong. I still have things that I want and it was given, but if I can count the times that I wanted something and others get it, I can say that most of what I want was not given. I was given to other people. Maybe they deserve it more.

Third, they say that even if you don't get what you want, you need to be happy for the people who got it. It means they are more deserving. They are more deserving of happiness and satisfaction. Maybe by getting it, it solves a certain issue about themselves. This also means, I need to wait for my turn. I could still happen, but it will only on either the perfect time or when you no longer needed it anymore.

Being happy for others for getting what they want and need is definitely a happy moment, but as a human or as a person that is validating their feelings, I honestly cannot be happy for someone for getting what I want. Of course, I do not say it to them. I do not share what I feel about it, instead, I still say that deserve it. Faking a smile, yes I can fake a smile and I can share a genuine smile too, but it doesn't remove any kind of bad feelings inside me. Actually, it stresses me a lot when I know someone get what I want, for I know what I want, is what I need. I can only have that kind of feeling to myself. I just keep the feeling and shift my mind to something else.

That is the reason why I am not talking to anyone here in the office. I don't have the mood to make jokes, to sing along, to laugh with them or to make fun of someone so the sound of laughter will fill the room. Maybe someone is happy today, but I am not happy for her and I will just keep it to myself.

Sorry for the little rant, as I just need to get out of my system. I love to remove this ill feelings against someone and be back to zero with her tomorrow. I do believe, I deserve it more, but it seems it is not my fate. Maybe I will just forget about this specific wants.

The moral of this little rant, you cannot get all you want all the time. If you get what you want, it has reasons and you deserve it. It will be meaningful and some other people will get inspired by it. Also, some things are not meant to happen to you even if you dream of having it. Don't wait for it to happen anymore. Just live, work smart and hard and if something happened, it must be fate. Count your blessing instead of sheep. You are meant for something else.

No matter what happened to me today, I am grateful for these people for supporting and believing in me. Thank you guys!

Images are from Unsplash