How I miss the day that in every celebration I have my father with us cooking foods and preparing it all at the table. Making this post is difficult but I want to remembery father today. I want his story to be part of the platform that I am loving today. For sure I will be having lots of tearing moments that will make stop from typing this article, but still I am persistent I will commemorate my father today.

My Papa is...

My father is not perfect. From other people he is a bad person, for me, he is not. Or maybe he is sometimes when he is mad, but I can't blame him of being always mad. He is full of pride. I understand he act that way because of family history. I am just a silent when it comes to my relatives talking about how bad my father is, but I am not blind that most of them are just like my father, they are full of pride too. I guess it runs in the blood.

During my childhood, my father or my Papa, had lots of mistakes as the head of the family. I know he loves us, but certain circumstances and bad decision leads him to be an imperfect father. While I was growing, I became the shock absorber of the family because he and my mama with fight and I am the one to stop them. At young age, I experienced domestic violence but we are not always like that. I guess it is part of every family's story.

If we have bad story, we also have the best story and those stories combined is the lesson in life that affects my decisions in life, especially when it comes to relationship and marriage. I think that is the reason, or one of the reason, why I didn't imagine myself gettingarried in the future. I cannot handle the stress.

The Good side of my Papa

My Papa is very frank. I think that is the reason some people hated him, especially some of his siblings. He always tells joke, but some of his joke is a funny attack for his older sibling. In the family, he is a provider. In my younger days, maybe at some instances, he is responsible, but during the later time, especially when I graduated from college, he always think of us and how he can have money to help us with bills and necessary things at home. When I started working, still he has his vices. He drinks and smoke but there will be no problem when he let the liquor in his stomach and not in his brain.

He is a good father to me. I cannot sya he did not because he is. Some people might hate him, but he tells all the advices I need to hear. He has this big trust to us, his three children. He knows that when we can't do it, we will tell him and mama. I do not share something about me because I learn to keep it to myself while growing up, I believe that is the job of a shock absorber.

My father, when he is not drunk, cooks at home. He is the one who provides food. He is just a stay at home dad when I started to have a job and he just takes care of dogs, cook, watch television, waits for us to come home and then we will all fine together. The misunderstanding at home didnt stop, it continues, but during that time, Papa knows how to stop. He stop drinking when we found out that he has diabetes and I provide his meds.

I know how he loves us. When I have problems, I keep it to myself and he knows. He will just prepare me coffee and let me watch Glee. He really knows when something is bothering me. Now, I miss him saying hello whenever I get home because he says Hello in a funny way. Only him can do that. His voice sounds like Dolphy so whenever he says"hello" it sounds like Dolphy, "heluuuuuu", that way. I always laugh whenever I go home.

July 17, 2017

We woke up finding him having difficulty of breathing. We did everything but we didn't know if he is having a stroke or heart attach. I remember I was trying my might to lift him but he was too heavy. We were all three lifting him up but we cannot win with his heavy body. Later on he was rushed to the hospital and was transferred to Ospital NG Maynila. We don't know what happened and he was under observation. I was so sad that we cannot bring him home and I have to stay with him there for that day. I remember I didn't went to work for a week because of it.

He had treatments but he got severe. His creatinine was increasing everyday. It was very tough for my family to be in a situation where a lived one is ill and you cannot see him because he is in ICU. Those three weeks was very difficult, spiritual, physically and mentally. I don't want to experience that again, no never!

I able to talk to him at the intensive care, in that situation where all the equipments are attache dto his body and he cant comprehend already. I was talking to him, telling home that we are always praying and all he needs to do is to fight. He nods so I could tell he heard me. I said I love him and I'm proud of him as my father and for always fighting. I hugged him tightly after.

During that time, I do not eat. My food is prayer, I can only eat when I heard good news about him but mostly there are few good news so imagine me drinking water as alternative to food. I do not feel hungry. I don't care if I don't eat, what matters is that he is fighting and we will fight.

August 7, 2017

This is the day that I will never forget. I just went home at was washing the dishes. I will clean the house and then make food for pets and will replace my mother at the hospital. My sister called me to get immediately at the hospital. She didn't say the reason so I rushed over. The song Dance with my Father is playing in the jeep I was ridijng in and when I arrived at the lobby they tell me the bad news. He gave up the fight. He left us at 7pm.

This Is my first selfie after all that happened to us. I never imagine in my entire life, I will experience this. All of my friends and office mate said that I was so strong that I get back to work afterwards and give them my warm smile. I might be sad we failed to take him home but we all fight for him and I know he had a good fight.

God put away the pain, he hold us tight

I have a liver problem. My liver has laceration and I was doing treatment since that year. I forget about myself. On the last night of his burial, I was in pain. I was at home and was crying because I have a feeling that a week after I will be the one in the casket. I slept because I felt tired of pain and when I woke up, the pain in my liver was gone. We able to put my father to rest and we felt the weight of pain gone.

Day by day, I know God is healing us one by one. Until today. God help us to recover.

We offer a prayer for him today. He is always remembered. We witness the power of God through healing he gave us. Wherever my father is right now, I know he is comfortable. No illness and no pain from his family. I hope he is happy. We always love him.

Thanks for reading. I dedicate this post to my father. I have a great life and he is part of it. The lesson and happy memories will live on!