June 30, 2022

I was on TikTok and then went to Pinterest. I was on TikTok and watching some contents when the contents of specific group no longer gave me the same energy. I went on different social media instead just to change the building of negativity.

I went to Pinterest and the same content I was seeing. While browsing, I saw this picture.

I read it and to my amaze, this is exactly what is happening on me right now. I just hope that being able to find out what happening to me will eliminate or lessen the burden of this. I don't know how long will it take. Here is my explanation why I think I have this now.

Turning down activities you usually love

I need to be honest, I was on Tiktok and I am a regular viewer and I post my edited content. Since June 14, my content posted received 1 views, sometimes no views at all. I don't know what happen. I realize maybe I did some mistake. I just let it be

After a while, I missed the excitement of increasing followers and large number of likes and views. Even though I am enjoying watching others content, I still kept thinking what happened to my account, why it has not reach even 5 views. It even has no like. Since Sunday, I noticed that I lessen my viewing at TikTok because if that and when Monday comes, I was on TikTok but I don't feel excited anymore. I am not even laughing at funny content, I was just browsing. Last Tuesday I am not feeling well so I didn't visited, and just earlier I don't have the energy anymore. Being active on TikTok is my regular activity and because of what happened I limit my activity now. I feel sad, but I don't enjoy staying there anymore.

You always feel exhausted

I am always late to work. I know I have few hours of sleep eversince, but this time, as soon as I wake up, I'm tired already. I am taking a bath and I starts to think of what will happen to my day. It seems I am not happy. I don't know if I am scared or demotivated, or just tired, but I don't really have the enthusiasm. I know I am sick, but I know even without an illness I still feel the same. At work and at home, even without doing anything I am exhausted already. I don't know how to solve this for now.

You lashed out at others

I think it is quite normal for me to lash out as I am always irritable and grumpy. That is why no one wants to make friends with me unless I can prove that I am of help. I have an officemate that keep son talking, telling jokes, keeps on making noise and asking attention by talking out loud. She is friendly but kind of childish. Whenever she start doing that, I put on my earbuds and start playing loud music. I don't want to hear her talking because I need to focus on my work. Whenever I feel tired and irritable, and I hear her making noises, I really want to scream in front of her face but of course that would be bad, so I will just put on my earbuds. I need to control my feeling and she's not doing anything bad, I am just annoyed that's why.

You can have both Good Days and Bad Days

I didn't get this but from what I understand, a day will be good and bad for me. Yes, that is true. A day will start good and I am happy. Then in the middle of it, it will go bad and later on it will be good. I don't have best days as if now. Or maybe last year were my best days.

Sometimes I know I am having a good day because of lesser problems or I have problems but I able to solve it. I might tag it as good day, but at the end of the day I still feel depress or just sad. Sometimes I cry and I start regretting and then I will be okay. I am going insane with all this happening to me lol. Am I losing my mind?

Unusual sleeps and eating habits

On the unusual sleeps I know I only have few hours of sleep everyday, that is why I am so drain to exhaustion. I can only have long hours of sleep during Saturday night to Sunday morning. I am both getting not enough sleep during the weekdays and sleeping too much during the rest day. I love sleeping than eating. Sometimes I am very sleepy I know, but as soon as my body lie down in bed, my eyes will not shutdown. I kept thinking. Sometimes when I am about to wake up, I don't want to wake up at all.

When it comes to eating habits, lately I am sad and I am longing for fried chicken. I want to smell it. I want the crispy fried chicken and sometimes I need to be specific. I want the fried chicken from Jollibee or Greenwich. I become picky with food. I force myself to eat during lunch and dinner but I know I don't have the appetite. Sometimes I am hungry, I want to eat a human being, lol.

Acting Recklessly

I am guilty on this. There is always something that will trigger that I feel sad. There is always that will remind me that I am sad, when I started to be happy. I feel bad. Sometimes when I am chatting with my friends, and they said something that triggers me to feel bad, I will say it immediately in the chat. I easy to react on something sensitive. My friends will just understand me, so they will stop talking about it. One of them will change the topic and I will be calm. It happens lots of time so sometimes I do not visit the chat when I know I am sad.

Sometimes I become impulsive. When I feel sad or depress, I go to Shopee app and buy gel pens and notebooks. I will see lots of things I know I needed but when I already bought it and now at home, I will not use it. I realized I bought it due to impulse because I was sensitive that day. I avoid this things to happen actually because I learned the lesson the hard way.

You Withdraw

Yes, I do withdraw. Sometimes when I feel depress, I deactivate my Facebook and hide my messenger app and other social network apps on a certain folder. I do not talk with people for the meantime. I act natural to my family, like I don't want them to know what I am going through. My friends will have no idea, they will just wonder why I am not active online and ask. I will reply very late because I will just go back to messenger and some social network apps once I know I am okay.

At work, I do not talk to people, which is I think very very normal for me. I only talk when it is needed or when I was ask. Most of the time I have my earbuds on my ears and listening to some music. Just right now I am playing Christmas Old Songs and I know that I am clearly depress as I am trying to feel happy and calm.

I withdraw for everything. I avoid to see something that will either makes me feel very happy or very sad. I calm myself. I can feel when it is okay to come back again. I know if I am ready to laugh and enjoy the moment.

Final Thoughts

Depression is something I fail to get rid off. I think it is part of me until there will be someone that will able to help me to eliminate that. Of course, I want this to stop, but on the other hand, I think it is part of who I am. I am not kind of depress that it gets long. I did not want to have it for long, that is why I withdraw. I just need to do something to make me feel okay again, yet still I need this to get out of my system because it will drain me and will drown me at one point.

Images are from Unsplash and lead image comes from Pinterest