My Go to When I Got No One to Turn to

Today is very gloomy not just the weather but also my emotions.

I want to scream and just cry my heart out. Sometimes I could think that maybe I live only to cry and just worry about everything. When I start to think that way, thinking about ending my life follows.

Ever since I was a child I got people, relatives who are angry with me even when I am not doing anything to them. Then, as I grow up I never got someone I could trust as a friend because they would always end up as an enemy and then they would start to broadcast all my secrets, fears.

As I get older there is this fear of getting close to anyone because I am someone who is very much open to tell people what is going on with my life and my dilemma. No, I am not trying to ask for sympathy if you think that it is the reason why I am doing that, but it is one way for me to inform the person that I am willing to open my door for a stronger relationship which is actually a mistake because whatever I share to that person became a sword for him or her maybe them to stab me.

I limit myself now in telling about my story and about my life nor about my relationship because people would then start to mock as if they tried my shoe.

That is why when I found read.cash I decided to just write what I feel through articles because at least in here nobody knows me. So if you would start to talk about me and disgrace me I wouldn't feel hurt or maybe I would but not as much painful and embarrassed as I can be in person.

Now, whenever I am so down and if I feel like world fucked me up so bad that I have to bend my knees I would only go to this certain place.

The PRAYER ROOM:

Unfortunately for me today the Prayer Room is lock for some reason. Ever since I was in high school I would go here before and after exams. There are also cases when I go to this place if I feel such a heavy load in my heart or shoulder that I could no longer bear.

CHURCH:

This is the Pardo Church, on the right side of the picture there is a path going to the prayer room but since it was close then I had to go inside the church while using my all might not to cry.

I do not like going inside the church though because there are eyes that could see me. Unlike in the prayer room where it is too silent and only less people would go there. There were even a couple of cases where I get in there alone and would cry my heart out until I feel like I could not cry anymore or until I feel better.

I only go to church or in prayer room for these reasons:

✔️ I am so happy.

This includes the days when I have something to celebrate, any occasions and so as small wins. There are also cases when I go here because my heart is full of happiness with abundant blessings so I thank God for those.

✔️ I am so sad.

Today is one of those times. When I got no one to turn to. Whenever everyone is too busy or when I would believe that someone won't understand what is on my mind. Maybe because I got used to crying all the time while the rest of the people I love would just look at me and ask,"what should we do?". So after crying it ends up me thinking still of the resolution.

It pains me because in my mind I could think like, why can't you do something for me?

But then again, instead of saying anything I just cry my heart out and pray until God answer me then give me resolution.

As you can see on the picture, today is very gloomy. It felt like the weather was with me.

...end thoughts...

Yes you are right, I do not go to church to attend Mass especially during Sundays. I started doing this since I was in College when I realized one thing, that I need not to go to Church to pray or ask for forgiveness. I need not to confess my sins to a Priest just to be forgiven. I need not to attend mass just to be tagged as holy or religious. For me, wherever you are, whatever you do, you can always pray and ask for forgiveness as long as it comes from the heart but then, yes, I still go to Church or Prayer Room whenever I am too happy or too sad but that is just it. I maybe wrong by doing this but really I am following my heart. I go there when I feel like the area where I am in is not giving me that certain feeling of connecting to God.

At the end, I will let the HIGHEST judge me when that time would come.

Image source: Church and Prayer Room door are mine while the rest are from Unsplash.