Today is very gloomy not just the weather but also my emotions.
I want to scream and just cry my heart out. Sometimes I could think that maybe I live only to cry and just worry about everything. When I start to think that way, thinking about ending my life follows.
Ever since I was a child I got people, relatives who are angry with me even when I am not doing anything to them. Then, as I grow up I never got someone I could trust as a friend because they would always end up as an enemy and then they would start to broadcast all my secrets, fears.
As I get older there is this fear of getting close to anyone because I am someone who is very much open to tell people what is going on with my life and my dilemma. No, I am not trying to ask for sympathy if you think that it is the reason why I am doing that, but it is one way for me to inform the person that I am willing to open my door for a stronger relationship which is actually a mistake because whatever I share to that person became a sword for him or her maybe them to stab me.
I limit myself now in telling about my story and about my life nor about my relationship because people would then start to mock as if they tried my shoe.
That is why when I found read.cash I decided to just write what I feel through articles because at least in here nobody knows me. So if you would start to talk about me and disgrace me I wouldn't feel hurt or maybe I would but not as much painful and embarrassed as I can be in person.
Now, whenever I am so down and if I feel like world fucked me up so bad that I have to bend my knees I would only go to this certain place.
The PRAYER ROOM:
Unfortunately for me today the Prayer Room is lock for some reason. Ever since I was in high school I would go here before and after exams. There are also cases when I go to this place if I feel such a heavy load in my heart or shoulder that I could no longer bear.
CHURCH:
This is the Pardo Church, on the right side of the picture there is a path going to the prayer room but since it was close then I had to go inside the church while using my all might not to cry.
I do not like going inside the church though because there are eyes that could see me. Unlike in the prayer room where it is too silent and only less people would go there. There were even a couple of cases where I get in there alone and would cry my heart out until I feel like I could not cry anymore or until I feel better.
I only go to church or in prayer room for these reasons:
βοΈ I am so happy.
This includes the days when I have something to celebrate, any occasions and so as small wins. There are also cases when I go here because my heart is full of happiness with abundant blessings so I thank God for those.
βοΈ I am so sad.
Today is one of those times. When I got no one to turn to. Whenever everyone is too busy or when I would believe that someone won't understand what is on my mind. Maybe because I got used to crying all the time while the rest of the people I love would just look at me and ask,"what should we do?". So after crying it ends up me thinking still of the resolution.
It pains me because in my mind I could think like, why can't you do something for me?
But then again, instead of saying anything I just cry my heart out and pray until God answer me then give me resolution.
As you can see on the picture, today is very gloomy. It felt like the weather was with me.
...end thoughts...
Yes you are right, I do not go to church to attend Mass especially during Sundays. I started doing this since I was in College when I realized one thing, that I need not to go to Church to pray or ask for forgiveness. I need not to confess my sins to a Priest just to be forgiven. I need not to attend mass just to be tagged as holy or religious. For me, wherever you are, whatever you do, you can always pray and ask for forgiveness as long as it comes from the heart but then, yes, I still go to Church or Prayer Room whenever I am too happy or too sad but that is just it. I maybe wrong by doing this but really I am following my heart. I go there when I feel like the area where I am in is not giving me that certain feeling of connecting to God.
At the end, I will let the HIGHEST judge me when that time would come.
Image source: Church and Prayer Room door are mine while the rest are from Unsplash.
Thats right sis. Yan din belief ko thats why i dont go to church often talaga at kung pumunta man ako eh sa prayer room lang yung talagang holy and silent.
iiyak mo lang po yan sakanya ate. he knows your heart well.
Yes π₯Ί i always do pagka di ko na kaya talaga sa kanya ako tatakbo. Na fefeel ko kac na prang may yakap eh.... Nakakagaan ng loob.
Most important is peace friend
Truee ka dyan friend. Peace of mind talaga ang winner eh
There's something about churches jud madam nga cathartic kaayo ang feeling. Makapamalandong jud ka. Peace at its finest.
Yes madam pero ambot ba nako dli jd ko gnhan m attend ug mass dependi sa Pari. Naa pari before sa Pardo na gnhan kaayo ko pero pag wala niya kay dli nako mag attend mass. Naa lang juy mass na dli nako ma feel na holy ambot ba nako oy. D sad ko gusto na mangumpisal kay feel nako ma judge ko ahahaha
Haha. Same here madam. Nas pud koy biases sa mga pari. Maskin ako, di pud ko gnahan mangumpisal. Diritso nman ko ga confess kay Lord pud pag mg pray ko. π
You don't need a room to get a better mood. Just focus on yourself and find the happiness in little things
PVM thank you so much for this. I felt better reading your chats too. This too shall pass.
You are welcome
You know what ate, I am always dreaming to have my own prayer room at my room. But, the space is not enough for now. I'm so glad you mentioned it.
Anywhere pwd naman mag pray eh. Sa puso kasi yan at sa isip just make sure lang na yung place is walang ingay...
Sa Pardo Cebu Bana nga church sis?
Anyway Tama sis dili jud need nga magsige attend ug mass Para Lang matawag nga diosnon ky ako mismo dili jud ko hinimbahon, dili pud ko diosnon pero dako kaayo ko pagtuo sa Ginoo. I talk to God everywhere. God for me is my best friend whom I can talk to anytime and anywhere.
Yes sis sa Pardo ni. βΊοΈ
Truee mao btaw ni akoa ayy kay dli ko gnhan mo Simba every sunday man jd oyy... I dunno π akoa lang jd pud ni but I always find time ra to pray .
I remember naka simba ko diha pero dugay na kaayo ,bunyag tos akong nephew.Naa man dha ngpoyo sa quiot Pardo akong iyahan. even me sis dili ko hilig musimba ky dghan pasaway sa church ,simba sige chicka or naa py gpangsuot murag muttend ug fashion show .ajo pay magpray anywhere and anytime mas makafocus pako
God is a personal God and He can be called upon wherever, whenever you need to.