It Scares to Think of Dying but it Kills to be Left Behind

Life is short.

Today we received such a shocking news, there could be a lot of unexpected things in life but this is like an explosion. Life and death is really unpredictable.

My Aunts partner died due to heart attack.

No one knew that he has an illness and I think even himself is not aware. He might have felt something but just ignored it, a lesson that I have learned just now.

Never to take yourself for granted.

As a mom family comes first which makes us neglect our own health sometimes or even our physical appearance. Today, I have realized that life is indeed short because we never can tell when will be our last day.

My Kuya (Aunts partner) is always been good to me and the rest of my siblings. He may not be the best partner for my Aunt but he was always protective to us and generous. Previously, he decided to go to Manila and stay to his cousins so he could just enjoy and work in his cousins car wash shop while my Aunt is in Riyadh working as Domestic Helper.

They have been planning together that when my Aunt returns home which is by this December we will have a family getaway but all the plans vanished in a snap!

This made me very afraid for what tomorrow might bring especially that my kids are too young. Earlier today, when we received the news I felt a pain in my chest again. This happens 2nd or 3rd times already and I can't seem to neglect knowing that my Kuya's death is caused by heart attack. I cannot imagine leaving my kids behind at all.

What's weird though is that in my Kuya's family, almost everyone died and now his sister is the only one left just for 2 years time. I am not sure if this has something to do with a curse or what, but hopefully he finds peace to wherever he is now.

What pains about losing someone is the unspoken words, regretful past and any other unfinished business.

As a mom, dying is one of those things that I am afraid of because I would never know what lies ahead my children's future without me. I am afraid what kind of daughter they will grow up without the love of a mother?

To my Kuya Jan2,

Ya? I hope you finally find peace wherever you are right now. I still cannot forget the sadness in your eyes during that last night you were with us while sharing ice cream and cake during Gayle's birthday. It was supposed to be a happy celebration but deep within me I was just trying so hard not to show you that I wanted to cry and maybe I felt that intuition again because as you left the next day for your flight in Manila I cried, I cried so hard because it felt like I will never see you again.

I am sorry Ya, for those times that I intentionally don't answer your calls or chats because I was too preoccupied of what is going on with my life and/or those times when I felt hatred because of what you did to my Aunt. I have come to realize that I will surely miss those, "Dae kumusta namo diha?"messages.

What makes me feel better though was our last chat:

At least in here when I told you what I felt and what I expected, you actually agreed and promised to fulfill it but I guess promises are really made to be broken.

I never knew what future might lead to my Aunt and to those people you leave behind but I wish you could finally find where you belong.

For the last 2 years you lost your siblings so as your mom and dad then now you are gone. I hope Ya, that you are happy to wherever you are right now. I hope you get to finally meet them, talk to them and hug them.

I will always remember those good times. When during my graduation you treated me in Casa Verde where you worked, now, everytime I would eat or maybe drop by that said restaurant I will surely remember YOU. I just realized it was a deduction to your salary but know that it was one of the memorable part of my life.

Ya, I know while you were here you don't know where you can be at home especially when you lost almost everyone in your family while my aunt was away. I am sorry because we were not there to help you heal.

Salamat sa tanan Ya...

...end thoughts...

Heart illness so as high blood pressure are both traitors. Life is borrowed and death would mean that God is trying to get that borrowed life back.

Image source: Mine