In this Lifetime: Are You Happy?

Everyday and every little time that I could get for myself this is the usual thing that I ask but up to now I still got no answer: Am I happy?

Why?

Well I am tired.

Being a mom.

I am tired running around fixing things in the house plus never ending chores. I am tired with my babies tantrums and cries.

A partner but never a wife. I am tired explaining to people why are we not married yet. I am tired getting scared for my kids to experience having a broken family. I am tired enduring things that comes with a partner. I am tired.

A provider. I am tired giving my all and not minding myself. I want to just experience having to buy what I like and going to places that I love but maybe I cannot experience these in this lifetime.

A sister. I am tired of being so ambitious for my siblings. I am tired trying to fulfill my promise in my fathers grave that I will do my best to raise them and make them a professional just like what my father dreamed of. I am tired of thinking about other people and I wanted to just start thinking about me.

A niece. I am tired trying to support whoever needs me especially those aunt, uncles who helped me before. I am tired of hearing my relatives tagged me as "walang utang na loob" and not successful. I tired of people speaking ill against me.

A worker. I am not of not being compensated well. I am tired of not getting what I deserved and not earning much for my family despite being in BPO for 8 long years. I yearn for awards, recognitions, rewards but then every time I do I lost the chance or fate is just going against me.

I am tired but I really do not know if that is one sign of unhappiness but don't get me wrong. I love the people who helped me get through this life.

I love being a mom, a niece, a daughter, a sister and a worker but tired at the same time. I love my partner but tired with the situation that we are in. I wanted to be free and sometimes I do not know how.

I pray but then my prayers often get into wasted because in the middle of my prayer I get distracted with a lot of things.

I am so tired of supporting other people's happiness that I forgot, how to be happy? What does it actually feel to be happy?

I am afraid to laugh because sorrows would follow. I am afraid of a lot of things when I should not.

There come to a point that I get this anxiety of doing my best and getting tired at the same time. We are going through different things everyday in our lives but you have felt getting tired like despite feeling such you continue living and breathing but only because you are still alive and not because you want of mere project.

...end thoughts...

Thank you for dropping by. I will appreciate any comment below or any thoughts. Apologies if I am being negative just that I needed to channel my emotion in a way that I do not get harsh words for feeling like this.

I TRIED but I am TIRED.

Lead Image: Unsplash