A mom, a sister, a partner and a corporate worker ruled into one. A woman signifies a lot of rules in this world but what makes her more valuable is the ability to carry a child in our womb that no other person can do.
To those who knew me, pretty sure by now you are aware that I am a mom of two.
And God knows how blessed I felt as soon as I found out that I was pregnant.
Just a couple of weeks ago I thought that I will be having my third child. Instead of feeling happy, I felt a mixture of negative emotions. I felt scared, I felt anxious and moreover guilty.
Why?
Having a third child would mean I would have again to undergo all the laboratory tests that I loath and face all those tiny needles. The most critical part is when my tummy would reach 9 months I would have to undergo another C-Section. This scares the hell out of me!
Is it a sin to pray not to have another child anymore? Is it a mistake to inform God that I had enough and to give it to someone who is been praying for one instead?
Is it bad to decline a baby who is a blessing?
I was having a cold feet and I was overthinking again.
I never knew if I could survive another operation. It could be the end of me. I want to live. I want to be alive longer, to witness my children reach their goals and build a family. I want to see them well before I bid goodbye. I want to make sure they will be taken care of.
If ever I would have another child my eldest would suffer for sure because the attention will be divided and since she is the eldest she will be given less attention and worst none. I do not want that to happen. I am even having a hard time managing my time while they are only two what more when I have 3?
It is different when my partner would be the one to take care of them because he has a very thin patience for kids and ours are very energetic at times.
FAMILY PLANNING
When it comes to family planning we are doing our best to follow the natural method. I do not personally want any artificial because of the different side effects that I heard from friends and acquaintances.
I am using this Calendar Application that my best friend referred to:
This would eventually tell me if I am fertile or not and when will it be safe to have an intercourse.
For example: If you notice that dates from July 5th to 11th that has some little symbols that would indicate my fertile days.
Then say that I have a period I would have to click on a certain date where my period starts and it is gonna show "Period Starts". Once selected it would then show predicted dates/days that you will have your period. Say that your period ended on 27th then just click the date and it would show you the,"Period Ends" as one of the options.
As for me, I want to be as careful as possible so we also do withdrawal method especially when I do not feel like really safe because these were only predictions. There are cases when I feel like I am fertile on a certain date not listed on the Calendar. Just that, even if how careful you are if it is meant for you then it will be.
Giving birth is like your two feet is already 6ft off the ground and just a lil mistake and you will lose your dear life. A woman's role is not easy and will never be. Delivering a child is much painful and dangerous plus carrying it for 9months is also critical plus as a mom you get all the blame if something happens to you or your baby.
I just totally felt like two girls are enough. Before I kept on thinking what if I would also have a baby boy? But now, I decided not to. I get to feel so guilty but I rather feel the guilt than not being able to give attention to any of them. I love my children and one way of doing that is to make sure I get to divide my attention properly. I also would need time for myself since the pressure from work is eating my whole being. I just want to enjoy being a mom and excited to experience being with my girls talking about girls stuffs, fashion, boys (lol!) and the likes.
...end thoughts...
We have so many women who were brokenhearted for not being able to have a child so I pray that instead of giving it to me, I pray that one of them will be given a child instead.
I don't feel you should be feeling guilty about not wanting another child, whatever the reasons. I also agree greatly with your reasons, you can only give your children proper care and attention i there are not too many of them.
As for the app, I use similar one. I used to use oral contraception in my youth and didn't have many side effects, but I just didn't want to take any anymore. I prefer natural methods too now, with all ups and downs of it π