I am never a Wife just an Angry Mom

They said,"mother knows best" and so I thought.

But everytime I look at my children there is one thing I regret the most.

I regret rushing things and not planning ahead for their future.

If there is one thing I am envious of are those women who have already reached the peak of their careers and are financially stable before they bare a child. Their child born to be a silver or golden spoon and their future are way too sure.

I have wanted to raise my children the way I wanted my mom to raise me.

I always wanted to give what their child hearts desire but how? When we struggle for day to day living.

I am an angry mom.

I often shout and use rod to discipline my children but at the end I feel guilty. I am always afraid of losing control because I might do something I would totally regret at the end. I would cry my heart out right after.

You see my children are the best. They are intelligent and loving so as very clingy but despite me working at home I could not give them ample time because working at home is way too draining than what everyone expected it to be. Imagine working while looking at your children roaming around making sure they do not touch or do anything that could harm them even inside the house.

And then right after shift I got to take care of them, feed them and bathe them too. I have my partner yes but sadly he is not always consistent. At times he would just listen to me shouting at my kids while he is busy playing in computer which makes me shout at him. He isn't like this everyday though but when he does my blood boils. Just that, I am someone who always want to sit and talk about a certain matter so one time I told him to do time management and not just listen to me or look at me because I am tired too.

He also has a job but not that pressured compared to mine but there are also cases when he feels stress. I would like to have a clear and open communication with him always.

There are cases when he would tell me I set the bars so high that he is having a hard time climbing and I must admit I did because for once my regret of not being prepared in building a family is because he has been so persistent but when talked about marriage he would sometimes avoid it.

I was fine with it.

Then later I realized that it is tiring to stay with someone who has unclear plan and vision towards you and your family. That is why I planned out things well that if he ever commits a mortal sin towards our relationship I will have him vanish to our lives.

Others may again go against it but I do not care.

Who are you to go against my decision when you are not me?

No one has the right to question me because you do not know my struggle!

I have not set the bars high but rather I just saw my worth and so I wanted him to prove his to me so as my children. I have been having this burden alone ever since. I have loved him when he has nothing. Ever since we started living together I have noticed his inconsistency but I always have faith that he would eventually change.

He did! Only that he is not consistent.

So I once talked to him and communicated how I felt all these years. He was stunned and everything changed especially when he got interested with cryptocurrency.

Still, I am observing him daily. Two things if he wants to live at ease either he perform his responsibility as a father and husband well or get out of my life.

Easy!

Despite that, my partner is been my shoulder, he is both my weakness and strength if only he would do things expected to be done by a responsible father.

When I am angry I take toll to my children. I sometimes say god forsaken words against them out of anger but if I were to choose I want to be a soft spoken mother. I really do.

...end thoughts...

Being a mom and a wife is never easy. My mama used to tell me before that when you find a partner make sure to choose someone who loves you more than you love him. But when I was with my partner I believed in destiny way too much that I got blinded by red flags plus I have faith that God will eventually hear my prayers.

They said that a wife should not actually say ill towards his husband to other people but I am never a wife, I am just a mom.

But then, really, I am doing my best to perform my responsibilities with all the love that I have.