Here's to another Overthinking and Fear

I have been laughing with my kids, doing my usual work and taking care of my family as always just like what I do daily but I can sense there is something wrong with me.

Lately, especially when Ukraine-Russia war started I have started to feel down and started to overthink. I kept on trying to console myself not to but then the hardcore emotions in me would just kept on going back and forth.

It is hard and it hurts to think about your kids future are at stake.

Then here comes the news about the big possibility that we might all be required to go back to site. I wanted to just stay at home but then I know my performance at work will be at stake. The least that I want to do is to be the center of disgusts with my workmates or worst my manager because I am not flexible to follow whatever is the mandate.

I do not want to go back to site but work gives food on the table and I badly needed it more than ever!

It is hard to weigh things between what you like and what is needed because I am a mom and a daughter plus a sister. I am the one supporting the basic needs of my family from electricity, water and internet bills. I have families to feed who depends too much on me. Even when I let my husband just do his job still it will never be enough though because I know for a fact that I can earn better income so if I slow down it would affect the whole family.

One time I breakdown. This is something that I don't control as long as I am somewhere private so I let it be. My demands so much time in me and I do not want to end up not having sometime with my kids because of this.

So I decided to just cry my heart out. I cried my heart out because I needed to release that heavy feeling.

Now let me tell you what I am afraid about as well.

I have this co-worker before who is so dedicated with work. She has so much potential to be promoted but then something happened that crashed her world to bits. Her husband cheated and the worst thing is he cheated with their maid or the nanny of their child. The nanny is younger than her and she treated her like a sister. She never expected that something is going on but I think the instinct in her already noticed it.

She put a camera on their bedroom and that was when she witnessed how gruesome is going on at night. While she is working her ass off for her family's future she was not even aware that something like this is happening. Like what the hell?!

Now, why am I relating to this story? Because if I go back to site I can be like a time traveller. I go home to sleep then wake up to work and it is never a good thing as I cannot give time to my family. I do not want something like this happening. I know I got to trust my partner but I wanted to have a complete family for my children. I want to be around my family seeing them and I want them to just see me around busy trying to make a living. I like that even when I busy I got to kiss them to sleep and see them having a good night slumber. It is different when I feel the pressure at work I just stand up from my work station then look at them sleeping in the room then I feel better. My time travelling going to office and back home can be used as a time to spend with my family especially take good care of my kids.

This might be a lame excuse for others but really, it will be a different emotional effect to my children when I am not around and just really wanted the work from home set up.

Moreover, the goods and fare are increasing because of the on going situation of the market affected by the increasing value of gasoline.

...end thoughts...

Going back to site would mean a lot of adjustment and bunch of changes. It will certainly affect my family both emotional and financial aspect.

Note: The pictures that I use mostly in all my articles are either coming from unsplash or my own clicks.