A Giver's Regret

Hi, I am in pain...

I have helped so much without nothing to gain...

Now I got nothing, no penny to buy something...

How did I end up like this?

How can I survive this?

I am broke.

My, my, my, how can kindness,

turn into miseries like this?

I was a breadwinner. I think I have mentioned this on some of my articles multiple times.

For few months now I have been struggling financially. I do not know where to go and what to do exactly. I am such a mess and I do not know how will I ever survive.

But then, one day I had a flashback and realized what brought me this hell, I realized why I became like this and even when I do not want to but I REGRET!

I regret giving all the things that I got before which made me end up like this. I regret being too giver and not preparing for my own future. I regret thinking of other people's welfare and not being able to satisfy my own wants even needs.

Because now, I am struggling to even pay my own bills and buy milk or food for my children then no one ever came to rescue me. I hate so much when I had to go debt after debt just to live every single day until next payday and pay another debt and renew.

How come I became this broke when I got a stable income?

I have been such a giver and no one else can be blamed but me. Now, I am in the situation where I understood why others would tend to judge those beggars on the streets who would beg for a penny just to buy food even when they are still healthy and able to work. I now understand why someone else's eyebrow would raise seeing those who are trying to shed their tears because they are miserable when they are not even handicapped and should have been able to find means to earn. I was such a giver that I get to melt when seeing people struggling without thinking if their struggle is by consequences of their bad decisions or just a challenge in life?

I never expected that I would come to a point where I would have flashbacks of how good I was to people or others then actually regret it. I never intended to feel this way but then my heart can't lie. I feel the pain of losing a lot of opportunity, those sacrifices towards others and find myself to where I am now.

I always learned the hard way but I always have soft spots to people who needed me especially when the person is close to my heart but then now I realized I have to actually learn how to say NO but there are really people who would not even respect your answer and would push you to hell.

I hate how my life is going now and I wish I realized it sooner so I could have rescued myself from drowning.

I remember all the promises that when I would need them they will be willing to help me out but no one is ever willing to help me now that I am on this hell. I am all alone and in pain.

My kindness is now covered with regrets. My heart is nothing but now filled with so much hatred for those who absurd my kindness towards them and used me for their own benefit.

So now I swear to God that I will never be as kind as I was. I will never sacrifice for other people's sake. I will focus on myself and myself alone!

...end thoughts...

I always do personal blog and what I write here are things that I may have experienced and learned. It is sad that I have to feel this way but I really could not control my heart.