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I collected a few stories, these are actually happened to me. I dont remember every funny thing that ever happened to me, but i wrote down them to a document, and now enough is accumulated to share all of the stories.
The poor (few years ago):
(client) I have bought a computer. Its hard to read the screen. video output is garbled, no agp or pci-e slot
(me) The integrated graphics on the motherboard is dead. I will put a PCI FX5200 in. It will be $40.
(client) Whaa… $40!?!? They told me its a fine computer!
(me) If its fine, then why you are calling me to fix it?
(client) But…. i'm poor.
(me) Thats why i offered the $40 model and not the $100 one.
(client) Hey, please install an antivirus on my computer.
(me) No. I dont recommend it. Antivirus programs are useless. They only can protect you from 5 year old viruses, and they will slow down your computer.
(client) Please please install it aniway! (showels $5 into my pocket)
(me) Ok. Everything for the costumers! (installs freeAVG)
ONE WEEK LATER
(client) Hey, my computer became too slow. investigates, its really slow
(me) Its due to the antivirus program. I told it will slow it down.
(client) Please install a different one. My friend recommended AVAST. Please install AVAST.
(me) Avast will be just as slow and useless.
(client) PLEASE PLEASE INSTALL IT ANIWAY, I HAVE SEEN IT AT MY FRIEND AND IT WAS FINE (showels the usual $5 into my pocket)
ONE WEEK LATER
(client) Hey, please remove the antivirus, the computer is too slow.
(me) Ok, it will be the usual price.
(client) What is that configuration?
(me) Pentium1, 32 mbyte EDO RAM, 500 mbyte HDD, integrated video.
(client) For how much you sell it?
(client) Too much. I give $10.
(me) Ok. However: for that price i will remove half of the RAM and the ISA riser.
(client) Hmmm okay, deal.
ONE WEEK LATER
(client) I want to buy that another 16 mbyte RAM.
(me) I have already sold all of my EDO rams.
(client) Oh.. ok.. where can i buy EDO ram then?
(me) Nowhere, they stopped manufacturing it in 1995.
The professional wrestler (1999):
(client) Something is not okay with my computer, please come over and check it. comes over
(me) You have bought a non-MMX capable Pentium1, and thats why that program does not starts up.
(client) So we did a bad business then. clients dad suddenly appears, and starts talk to me
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, WHY YOU CREATE THE DRAMA HERE, THIS IS A TOTALLY FINE COMPUTER.
(me) You are right.
GO THE FUCK OUT.
(me) I'm sorry. clients dad forces me out from the house and locks the door
ONE WEEK LATER
(client) Now the computer is totally dead, please come over and fix it.
(client) sobs in the phone, desperately tries to keep in contact with me for years after, just to scam me one more time
(client) I have bought a laptop for $40. It have some small issues. Please, check it. Battery dead
(me) I must order a new batery and it costs $100.
(client) BUT THIS WAS A $50 LAPTOP.
(me) Then enjoy your $150 Pentium 4 laptop.
(client) Pentium 4? That means it has 4 cores?
(me) No, 4 means it can run youtube with 4 frame per second.
(client) Computer does not starts. hdd is dead, gbytes of bad sectors, luckily all in system partition area, and the data is fine
(me) Do you have a spare hdd to save your data?
(me) Do you have money to buy one?
(client) No, but i will buy a pendrive next week.
(me) Ok, i setup everything, but this hdd will not stay operational for more than a few weeks. Only use the computer to do the backup with it.
(me) And immediately buy the pendrive next week, and copy all of your important data.
TWO MONTHS (!!!!) LATER
(client) My HDD damaged yesterday (!!!) again.
(me) AGAIN?!? Did you copyed your files to a pendrive like i told you two months ago?
(client) No. I used the computer for two months, it was fine.
(client) But i still need my data. Please backup.
(me) Hdd does not spins up. Searches a data recovery company Ok, i cant do it, but here is a data recovery company, the recovery price will be probably around $1500.
The valuable content (2019)
(client) I am a PROFESSIONAL graphics artist. I do professional graphics artwork for living. I had contracts, documents, 3D models on my computer as well. A virus attacked my computer. A ransomware virus encrypted all the data
(me) A virus encrypted your data. I can recover the files by quickly writing a small program with an AI designed for YOUR files. It will replace the first 512 byte headers and restore the accessibility of your files.
(client) Thats fantastic! Thankyou! I really badly need my files! Its my life! My costumers need the designs by next month!
(me) Ok. It will cost $200 and it will take 2-3 days.
(client) Uhh… Uh… UUUUUhhhh… Then i dont need my files.
(client) I will re-create them instead… Thankyou aniway.
(me) 3dfx Voodoo5 PCI for sale, $250
(client) I would like to buy the Voodoo5 PCI for $15.
(me) Are you kidding me?
(client) But i would like to buy it for $15.
(me) Good bye. a month later
(client) I see, you still have the Voodoo5 PCI. My offer is now $20.
(me) It still costs $250.
(client) You will not be able to sell it lol. I am your only chance.
(me) Good bye. another month later
(client) My final offer for the Voodoo5 PCI is $30.
(me) I have sold it weeks ago.
(client) shocked but.. but…
(me) Good bye.