Love Grows
Have you ever liked someone unexpectedly? Like, you promised yourself not to be involved with someone for the meantime and you will love yourself first but you ended up thinking about one specific person every night, wondering how would it be if you were together and how nice could it be to reach your dreams with that person?
Do you have someone in mind who is perfect in every way? And maybe they aren't perfect to everybody but to you, they're just absolutely amazing. The way they laugh, smile, talk, think, look and everything about them and everything they do keeps amazing you.
When our conversation started, I honestly have no intentions of involving myself with anyone, just a casual conversation between two old friends. Nevertheless, I never saw it coming. He became the absolute best to me, and he was so easy to talk to. Little by little, I found myself falling on the person I never expected I would fall for.
I don't know how can he easily bring butterflies to make my days, smile at me every day, and make days better. We talked so much and share random things. I appreciate him so much and I am happy to have him in my life. I love how he remembers the small things about me when even I couldn't remember that part of me. He appreciates the simple things I do for him and I love how he says I'm beautiful when I feel I look like I'm a mess.
Most often I feel drained and stressed after a whole day of class, but everything becomes fine when I'm having simple talks with him over the phone. It makes me have the feeling of being complete. I want to tell him, "you are my only rest, my home, and my sanctuary, in this world of weariness and you are my everyday."
Sometimes when I look at him, I don't understand how the girl before me, didn't see what I see, and how that someone before me, didn't notice a whole wonderful universe within him.
I am sure that she looked at him but didn't find every single thing most people have been searching for in a human being. Now, looking at him, I feel glad that she didn't, because if she looked deep enough within him, then I wouldn't have a chance to love him the way I do.
I witnessed how things shifted in me. I was so fine being alone for so long and I never thought I will love the feeling of being in love unexpectedly. Our relationship isn't the same as normal lovers have. It's Us against the world. It's not that I am his other woman, haha but it's more like about family matters. Nonetheless, I am taking a risk on this. It's challenging and I love the thrill. It's a whole new experience for both of us. But, neither one of us is going to back down.
I always wanted to do things like this, making compositions about the person I love. You can imagine myself smiling while composing this at 3 am because I suddenly woke up and missed him. If our friends will know how come all this happened, I will tell them, maybe it's the situation that isn't right but the person and the feelings I have for him are real. It's no longer a child's play. That's the reason I'm taking the risk. I don't like to see myself someday regretting why I didn't when I could've been.
True love doesn't happen instantly. We knew each other since childhood, we just started talking in the final weeks of March, and got fooled on April 1st, until the conversation happens every day. We loved each other's presence, hated the distance between us and that's how slowly we fell for each other. And today to date I fall for him a little more every day because he is someone I would never want to lose.
Thank you 🦋💖
My brother was kicked by a "Tikbalang"
The Philippines is a country that holds golden treasures of cultures and traditions that until now some of it is known by the new generation. Those were passed from generation to generation.
Superstitious beliefs are one of the most distinguished demeanor that most Filipinos are known for. But, in this generation, it's hard to believe in mythical creatures and stories as they have remained a mystery in Filipino folklore. Mostly, the story is known but, evidence is a must to believe that something is true if seen in reality.
Just like the story of my mom when I was home for the Holy week, she told me the most hilarious story I've ever heard.
Right after weeks since Typhoon Odette stormed our province, there were news about the farm animals of my brother's friend, Simon, who died cruelly while they were in their stable. Four of their goats were brutally killed and were found on different areas of the farm, a proof that someone had opened the stable for them to go out. What made it mysterious is that only the internal organs were taken out or probably eaten if it was a beast that attacked the poor animals. They had no choice but to bury the dead goats. The suspicion was on the thing they called, "sigbin". Those who claimed that they had already seen one, it is described as a dog-like creature of small size that walks with its stump raised upwards. Others say it looks like a small kangaroo (joey) and it only sips the blood and internal organs of its target.
The day after that, another terrible thing happened. The carabao of another farmer in my place was found dead near the river. It had scratches on its body and its internal organs were half gone. Blood is all over its surroundings. People were alarmed by the consecutive brutal killings of the farm animals. Because of that, farm owners have tightened their security on their animals.
Since there's no electricity yet, darkness covers the whole place even at 5 pm. No one is seen outside from dusk until dawn. Then the rumors of a horse-like galloping on the silent road of the barrio. They heard the sound of its hooves and the slow neigh of a horse. Then, people have concluded that it wasn't a " sigbin" that attacked the farm animals but a creature called "tikbalang." A tikbalang is a Filipino mythical creature that is half-human and half-body of a horse.
It was all over the whole barrio. My mom went to a nearby store one day, and a group of women of her age was having a serious talk about the 'tikbalang'. One woman said that her husband heard the dogs being so loud and uneasy, and looked out through a window to see if it was the tikbalang that causes the commotion in the middle of the night. Mom joined the conversation as my brother had told mom a story about last night which is somehow related to the woman's story.
We had a patio in front of the house and my brother stays there every night lying on a hammock he set up where the sky is viewed widely. He felt the urge to urinate so he stood up and just went to a nearby tree of the house and excreted his urine when he heard the bustling of the winds and hounds roaming around and being noisy. He thought of the "tikbalang" so he hurried to get inside the house.
Mom shared that story of my brother with them. Who would've thought that the story will spread to the whole barrio having a different version? Until, one day, someone approached my brother and asked, "Godfrey, gisikad-sikaran man kaha kuno ka ug tikbalang. Tinuod na?" (Godfrey, is it true that a tikbalang shoved and kicked you?) My brother was surprised to hear the question and said it was all bluff, he would've been admitted to the hospital if it were true. They even said that it was already the talk of the town.
When I heard it, I can't stop laughing. How could they add fake info to the story that my mother shared to them? Poor brother mine. Until now, he's known in our town as someone who was kicked by a tikbalang.
Hello :)
Hello everyone! happy easter! i just came back from my parents' house. Hopefully I could get back on reading some of your works and be able to share some of my write-ups too. I want to thank by the way those who give upvotes and of course, to @rusty, we were able to provide some monetary support to the Leyte landslide tragedy. God bless us all.
Relief Ph
Four months ago, Super Typhoon Odette landed on our country, specifically on the Visayas and some parts of Mindanao and it left massive destruction to the locals of Leyte and Southern Leyte. I am from Southern Leyte and I have witnessed the destruction of Odette. It's been months already, yet, some parts of the affected provinces are still devastated. Others have settled on temporary housing due to a lack of resources for the reconstruction of all the damages.
We experienced a day of scarcity of food and water, gladly some agencies and organizations extended their hands to help us. Some houses were washed away, loss of livelihood, and the death of loved ones. Until now, electricity and unstable signal are a serious predicament in our province. There I could say, Southern Leyte, is not ready yet for another typhoon. We haven't recovered yet.
On Saturday, April 9, 2022, at around 2 p.m Typhoon Agaton landed in the vicinity of Eastern Visayas. The sound of the wind, the drops of rain, and the hustling of the surroundings are not far from what we've heard during Typhoon Odette. Truly it is very traumatizing. For people like me, who live away from their families, I cannot maintain my sanity because I am worried about how are they doing.
The next day, it is hard to reach on the news and the signal is very unstable. There were no electricity and water supply. The storm remained unstoppable for more than 10 hours already. On Sunday, electricity and water were restored in the afternoon. I got a call from my sister who's in Manila, she was also worried about me, since I was out of reach for a day. She told me about the devastating happenings in Baybay City, Leyte.
There were small towns that are covered with mud and that caused several losses of lives in that town of Baybay City. It is heartbreaking to see young children survive without a family. For sure, they are silently grieving for they have witnessed how their family was buried alive inside their houses. A recent report says that there are already 20 people who died in the landslide that happened. Search and rescue operations are still ongoing as more people are reportedly missing.
My heart was in great pain when I saw a post on Facebook about a family with 8 members, who drastically died during a landslide, and among them is a 3-year-old kid. May their souls rest in eternal peace.
Traveling also will be a problem in Southern Leyte as there are many breaking of roads and in my hometown, the upper part was closed as there is a part where the ground broke in two so, as of the moment it is not passable to any forms of vehicles.
I have thought of writing about the tragedy that happened in my beloved province for everyone to know that we are greatly in need of prayers. As of today, we still experience intermittent rains as another typhoon called Typhoon Basyang entered PAR today. Typhoon Agaton remains in the PAR with a very slow movement. Reports coming from different areas about landslide seems like no end, and the number of injured and deaths are increasing as time goes by.
The proceeds of this write-up will be donated to Baybayanons, they need it more than we do. It will be sent as a monetary donation to Discover Baybay City, they are targeting more than a hundred families to help may we also share a few of our blessings to people in need.
May God heal all wounds and give eternal peace to our brothers and sisters who passed away!
Pray for Southern Leyte and Leyte! Pray for the Philippines!
Thank you for your generosity.
Loving the Psycho
I only loved him, but why do I have to endure all of this?
I thought I would be free from all the nightmares that I had been carrying throughout my life, yet they worsen when I love him.
When I met him.
—
"What are you doing?! Let me go, Hans... Ouch!,"
He's gripping tight on my long hair and suddenly he forcefully pushed me and my forehead hit the side of the table.
"Haven't I told you not to go out, Selena? Why are you being stubborn? Do you want me to crack this open so I'll be able to know what's inside this? Because you can't understand a simple instruction!" He shouted at me while pointing at my head.
Here we go again with his psychotic actions.
I clearly told him that I will be attending Gino's birthday party. I haven't stayed for an hour at the party when he came and drag me out of the party.
I got bruises and wounds because of the intensity of his grip on my forearm.
"You know what? I'm getting tired of this. You are so stubborn and you're even talking back at me. I think you need to be punished so you will behave next time"
My whole body trembled when he came back holding a knife.
I got used to physical abuse as he punches me like a punching bag every time I do things that he doesn't like. I got used to all of the things he does to me that make me nervous all the time until I get numb by it and gladly accept the pain.
I could escape away from him and bring our children with me and I can file an annulment just to set myself free from this shitty life.
I have asked already myself countless times why am I suffering from a psychopath like him. I knew that he has mental problems yet I didn't mind it. Even the weird glares that he gives me, I didn't give any damn meaning about it.
Until his wide palms strongly slap my face.
We had just gotten married then and I was pregnant when my older brother came to visit. He was so nice to my brother. When my brother went home, I did not expect the next thing that happened. I was slapped for no damn reason. From there, I already knew that wouldn't be the last.
My life literally turned out to be my living hell. Being with him, knotted as lifetime partners had given me the worst life I could have.
It's not only that he gives physical trauma but also our children. We have 3 kids already and I am married to this creep for 6 years.
In those 6 years, no one knew about my situation. No one knew that I, Selena Ramirez is a martyr and battered wife of Hanz Legaspi.
He was fancied by everyone as a good engineer. No one knows that he's a lunatic. A psycho. No one knows that my husband is torturing me. If I could offer my soul to him, I would have done it. I just didn't imagine that we'd come to this time that he is going to kill me.
I can feel my whole body shaking but even so, I managed to stand and hugged him.
"I'm sorry. I'm n-not going out again... Just let this go this time. T-The children might see us,"
I tried to get the knife that he was holding but, I shrieked when he said the knife was ready to stab me. I ran quickly down the stairs when he grab my hair.
I was crying and trying to help myself not to make a single sound because I don't want the children to see us again in a chaotic situation.
They have been traumatized already by seeing the same scenario almost every day...
I don't want to be seen by this state...
Being tortured while their father is smiling like a devil, I can bear all of this. I will...
"You want to escape this time huh? Didn't I tell you not to go out of the house! To not go to that Gino, right? Now, let's deal with this steelhead of yours Selena... Let me do a fair action to discipline you. Mommy said before, that you have to coerce a person to mature! If needed to be tortured, it should be! Isn't that what you want?
He is hugging me now while stroking the edge of the knife to my temple. I barely close my eyes when I felt it touch my skin, it's giving shivers to my whole system. One wrong move, the edge of the knife could pierce my eyes and could be the reason for my blindness.
" Ha-Have pity on me Hanz... I didn't do anything wrong... Let's deal with this one! J-Just stop this, the children might see us,"
I begged for my life while crying. I can't stop but sob heavily out of nervousness.
"Shhh love, I haven't done anything yet... You're so ill-tempered," then he laughed like there's no tomorrow
"H-Hanz, s-stop this,"
"Come again?" he asked me as he tightened his grip on my hair while the knife is still pointed at my temple.
"P-please, s-stop it,"
I am trying to get away from his tight grip but the more I resist, the more that he will fix his power on me.
"Why would I, Love? Do you know that I love the way you shiver? It's a different kind of intimacy. Oh, someone told me before that it's very intimating when someone understands you by the mind. But, you were very stubborn. So, I should get a solution so you will remember not to disobey me again.
Then he chuckled like a devil.
I wasn't able to move when he suddenly turn me to face him then I felt something pointed was inserted forcefully into my waist. I vomited blood and he gave me one final stab that weakened my body.
—
The last thing I hear was him crying, with my blurry vision, I saw how he pulled his hair. I felt him pull my body towards him. He was crying over my dying body and as I close my eyes, I thought of my children. Will they end up like me? God, please help my children.
____
They said love could kill you.
They said that love should be pure.
They said love is an endless poison.
They said understanding your partner is part of it.
Now, is my life worth defying for that intimacy?
——
This was drafted before Typhoon Agaton reached our region and it's also the reason for my long absence. The wind, the rain, and the hustling of the environment are as traumatizing as it was like ST Odette.
May God be the strength who lost their loved ones and heal their wounds. May eternal peace be given to those who left the world.
Help us pray for Leyte and Southern Leyte ❤
Lead image from Google.
@foryoubtc09 Thank you for sharing your blessings. I was not able to notice that quickly. But, please know that I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much ❤
His overflowing green flags 💚
It was a rainy Friday as soon as I opened my eyes and heard the water dropping above the roof and the wind is so cold that I wanted to stay longer in bed and cuddle with my pillows. But, I need to get up and prepare for work because for sure, my pupils will wait for me.
This week will end with a beautiful note for me because I keep on smiling. I like how I smile even though I'm doing something else. Am I still normal? You're probably thinking that I am thinking of the guy I'm talking with right now. Yes, that's the reason. Am I in love? I admitted to myself already that I liked him. When I think of the reasons why I like him, it's so difficult to describe but I think it's the vibe we have in common, the smile he puts on my face and the fact that he crosses my mind even when we're not having a conversation.
I was told by someone before that if a guy likes you, he will tell you. He will give you compliments when you least need them. Am I still overwhelmed by this feeling? I am having second thoughts still because I am so afraid to fail this again. Even so, I've seen a lot of green flags that turned me on.
I can always be myself whenever we talk. I am very much comfortable that I am very honest and I say and do what I want without getting judged after. I think it's because we saw each other and how we grow as we were classmates from elementary to high school. I feel so authentic and I love the feeling of being free and being real to myself and him.
As I have already mentioned, I found myself smiling and laughing frequently the past few days. My colleagues have noticed it, they didn't know about him yet because as much as possible I want to keep our connection low-key. Am too afraid that I will introduce him to them and things will not work for both of us. For as long as I am joyful and my heart is so full that I can't stop smiling from ear to ear, grinning like a crazy witch hahaha.
Another is that I feel so respected. He respects my time and space. He never demands me to get online or to stay up at night with him to just talk over the phone. He never jokes about off-limit topics. He waits for me until I respond. I think this is the nicest thing I have observed from him, him being respectful. Well, who wouldn't be if you are raised by good people? I know his parents and they are kind and very responsible parents as well.
There are so many good traits that he has as I observed. He tells me about his journey in his training, and the hardships they've been through just to get into the place where he is right now. I am very much swerved as he told me those without telling me that he complained, gave up, and regretted applying as a police officer. He inspires me in so many ways. I've never known someone in my life that helped me to get through my anxiety without him knowing. I feel so ignited that someone makes me feel that I don't have to pressure myself because what I'm in right now is a step towards the goal I'm reaching. Isn't he so mature, smart, and so ideal? I think he is too good for me.
For now, I only want to look on the bright side of this kind of situation we are in. I am focusing first on the green flags well because those were what I noticed, so far, I haven't observed any red flags from him yet. I have to be mindful of those because they're not present without a reason.
Wherever this may lead, I hope this leads to something good and beautiful.
Thank you <3
My Forever Angel pt. 2
After that very shocking confession, he cried his heart out. I can feel his pain. I pity him. I felt guilty for all of my wrongdoings. I hugged him very tightly and comforted him. Then he stops crying. I think this is the right time to tell him the truth. I'm still hugging him while saying this, "Angel, I'm really sorry for everything. I'm sorry for causing you pain. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to face everything with you and to be by your side always. I love you, Angel. I love you since before. I'm just scared to get attached to you. I'm afraid to fall in love with you more because I know someday you will leave me behind. I'm afraid to be alone. But I need to be strong for us. I won't be a coward anymore. We can make it. Just please, keep on fighting. Don't surrender, okay?"
Then he kissed me on my forehead and we hugged each other again. Being in love with someone who is sick is very scary. Scared that one day you will wake up not seeing them at all.
Our relationship is going strong and smooth. Every day is special to both of us. He gave me all his love and I gave all my love to him. I take care of him whenever he feels pain. Until we graduated and get our licenses as teachers. We were both so happy like we are on top of the world. Then we teach in the same school too. And a year later he propose to me. Of course, I say yes. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I could not ask for more. A few months later, he got me pregnant with our first baby. I can feel and see his excitement after hearing the great news. And after I gave birth, he really took care of me so well. He is so perfect for a father. Our love really proves that love can conquer all.
One day, I saw him sitting beside our baby's crib. Silently staring. I can see a very deep sadness in both of his eyes. So I decide not to interrupt him. I continue preparing for our dinner. When all is done, I called for him but he did not answer. Maybe he fell asleep. So I went to our baby's room and found out that he was lying on the floor unconscious. I immediately called his doctor.
After that incident, his parents and I decided to let him stop teaching. The doctor advised that he should not be stressed and he needs a lot of rest. I'm actually on my maternity leave so I can be able to take care of him also. Thankfully we have our supportive parents to take care of our baby. I fed him and make sure that he will take his medicines on time.
My Angel is very fighter. His tumor is already big which makes him very weak also. The doctor said it's already cancerous and it is very dangerous for surgery. He took several chemotherapies and I cant help but feel pity for him. My heart feels heavy looking at him suffering. He almost lives in the hospital. There are so many apparatus connected to his body. I cant even count how many times the doctor injected medicines into his body. He is very, very weak. His hair was almost gone.
I always let him feel that I am strong. I want to show him that I am strong. But when he's asleep, that's when I break down. It really hurts to see your loved one hurting and suffering and you cant even do anything to ease their pain. I may not know the reason why of all people, why he is the one who gets sick? Why him? I kissed him and whispered, I love you, My Angel. I held hid hand and didn't realize I fell asleep. I was awake when I felt his hand move caressing my face. I looked at him and I saw his smile. His smile never failed to amuse me. He then mouthed the word I love you. Then there, I cried in front of him. Even though he had difficulty raising his hands, he still tried to wipe away my tears.
"Please stop crying babe. I love you very much." That made me cry again. I kissed his pale and dry lips. I held his hand and kissed it. "Whatever happens I will not leave you here. I will never get tired of kissing your lips even if it's pale and dry. Even if you're skinny now, you're still the strongest one for me. You are the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life. So please keep on fighting. Don't you ever leave me, okay? Remember our baby, he's waiting for you at home." His tears fell and he smiled. A smile that reassured me that he will fight. Then he fell asleep again.
I became stronger every day because I can see that he is really fighting. As a wife, I am so happy that I can take care of him. I get used to wiping his body and changing his diapers every day. Actually, it's the nurses' job but I want to be hands-on with my husband's needs. He even said to me, "You're taking me too much care, babe. I'm so ashamed of you". But I will reassure him that he doesn't need to be ashamed. It's my obligation and responsibility to him. And I love taking care of him.
We celebrated our first wedding anniversary at the hospital. And even our son's first birthday. As time goes on, he became especially weak. Later on, he almost lives in the ICU. During that days, something bad is running to my mind and I cant help to be scared and nervous. I can see that he's so very weak like a withered vegetable. Sometimes, he wakes up not knowing us anymore. He just stares at us and then falls asleep again. But I keep on reminding him to fight and never to surrender. And I always tell him how much I love him.
The next days became not easy. With each drug injected into him, he will shout very loud like, "Aww! It hurts so much. Please! Stop It." I always cry every time I see him like that. He's in monitored by the doctors right now. They check his blood from time to time and inject drugs too. Then he cried again because of the pain. Every time we touch him he felt pain. And I know something is wrong in this situation. I have been praying so hard to God at that time. When he was calm and was alone in the room, I talked to him. I don't cry in front of him so he will not worry.
"Babe, are you okay? You can still do it right?" I said to him forcing myself not to cry with all my might. Then he said, "Yes, babe. Can I talk to mom and dad, please? Can you call them for me?"
So I went out of the ICU and called my husband's parents. I put my ear to the door and inevitably listened to what they had to say. Angel said, "Mom, Dad. Thank you so much for everything. And I just want you both to know that I love you. Can I have a last favor? Please take care of my wife and son for me. Please." All I can hear is his moms sobbing after Angel said that. My heart tightened.
As I opened the door, I saw his parents embracing Angel. They were crying. Then his siblings and my parents came with our son inside too. But my parents left immediately because of my son. At last, when we were the only ones left, I breakdown in front of him.
"Babe. Angel. Can you please don't do this to me? Please don't leave me." I said this while sobbing. "I will also die when you will disappear. I cant stand this anymore. I'm begging you. Please don't leave me. How about our son? Babe, please. Fight for us, okay? Please" I don't care if I look like a child shouting and wailing just because my wishes were not realized. I keep stomping my feet. I cant take this anymore. He also cried with me too. I hugged him hoping he changes his mind. I wipe his tears and whispered to him. "Baby, please don't leave me, okay? It's a favor, please. I'm begging you. Please have mercy on me, to us your son." He still trying to hug me even though he is very weak.
"Babe, can they just inject me something that I can sleep. I can't bear this situation anymore. My whole body hurts and I can't take it anymore." I saw the pain in his eyes. That's when I realized that I am being selfish. I know he's suffering a lot. But thinking about everything without him is a different situation. " No, you can't babe. Don't you feel sorry for me? To our son? How about are dreams? Babe please." But I just received a smile from him. A smile that will be forever tattooed in my heart. A smile that I will not be able to see but definitely be remembered forever. And he said, "Please. I love you, Babe. Thank you so much for everything."
Then later on, what I feared the most happened already. It's happening and I can see it from my very eyes. Angel is gone. He already left me behind. Why is it, God? Why?
I cant believe that he's already gone. Forever. During his burial, we released doves and balloons. And as I released mine, I said, "I will miss you so much, babe. I will miss you like crazy. I love you." Then everything went black.
It is no joke when you lose someone who played a pig part in your heart. I know God has a plan. A great plan for everything. To me and our son.
It's been a year since my husband left. It hurts. It fucking hurts but I need to accept the mere fact that he's forever gone. I need to continue living for our dreams to come true. If he's still alive maybe we will both have our master's degrees and together we will get our doctoral degrees. The wound is still fresh even after a year. And I am trying to be strong because I still have the reason to continue living. Our son.
*To My Angel,*
*You're really now our Angel. I really, really miss you so damn much right now. Please guide us always above there. I am slowly making our dreams come true, Babe. You're my inspiration. You and our son. Thank you for everything. I love you. Forever and always. Till we meet again.*
*Loving you Forever,*
*Anne Marie*
Life is very cunning. So cherish every moment you have with your family, friends, and loved ones. Because neither one of us know when will God take from us these borrowed lives. Always make everyone in your life feel that they're important. Make them fight for their lives whenever they're sick too. Life is so precious to be wasted.
Lead image from Google.
Thank you <3
My Forever Angel
Hi everyone. Call me Anne Marie. I am a proud teacher and I could say that I am successful in my career. And yes, I am pretty single but not ready to mingle. Why? Because my priority right now is my son. I am a single mom but please know my story before you judge me.
I am the kind of girl who dislikes commitment or should I say I don't want to have a relationship with someone else unless I have already decided to settle down. I even entered college as 'no boyfriend since birth'. I am not bitter and probably not numb, okay? In fact, I secretly like someone. And I didn't really expect that we could be together. That he is someone who is capable to turn my world upside down.
It was 30 years ago when I met Angel. His name is so girly that I always tease him with it. He's my best friend, he's my childhood friend, he's my neighbor, my classmate, he's so intelligent! He's rich, he's simple, he's a God-fearing man, he's very kind, he's very handsome and more importantly he is like me, no girlfriend since birth too. In short, he has everything every girl could wish for. But there is only one that I hate about him, he is sick. We were so young when this happen According to his doctor, there's a tumor in his spinal cord that as he gets older, it grows too. And when he reaches the right age, there is only a 10 percent chance of living if he is going to have surgery.
I admit that I like him. No, I love him. I am so in love with him, secretly. Like my heart is going to pop whenever when we are together. But I always put in mind that I should not be attached to him. I don't want to be left behind in the end. I know that I will definitely lose him because of his sickness. I am fucking scared. I'm a f*cking coward.
I need all the distractions in the world to forget this freaking feeling. I put all of my attention into my studies and on other things to make my feelings for him disappear. I make myself busy and ignored him every time he approach me. But he still keeps on pursuing me. He always invites me to eat and always tells me to take care. He will do everything just to make me look at him. He always buys me snacks. He always wants to go home with me but I refuse his offer. He is so very sweet to me but I am always cold to him. I just don't want to fall for him more. But because of his gestures and everything, I'm afraid to admit that I just make myself fall for him, deeper. His other guy friend told me he also likes me. God knows that I want to be with him, that I want to take care of him. But my fears always come first. So I made a promise to myself that I will stay away from him for my peace of mind. But in the end, I'm just lying to myself.
But faith works and finds its own way. Instead of moving forward and forgetting everything, here I am falling deeply in love with him. Every time i hear him laugh, his dimples when he smiles, his friendly ways to me, his funny side, his kindness, his very beautiful voice when he sings, and all the efforts he does just to make me look at him and get my attention. Everything about him, made me fall for him over and over again.
Until one day, Angel asked me for a favor if can we talk privately. So I lead him to the biggest tree on our campus. Actually, this place serves as the shade for all the students who want to study outdoor. But this time, no one is around, so there it is. It is very quiet. All I can hear are the leaves shaking above because of the wind. Spell awkward. It's the both of us. So I decided to break the silence.
I told him, "what do you want to talk about?" Then he started to look at me and breathe in heavier. "Why do you always ignore me? You're keeping your distance from me. I did everything just to get your attention but still, it looks like you don't really care for me. It feels like I don't exist. We're best friends for Pete sake! Why do I feel that I look like I'm a stranger to you? You're so numb! Is your heart made of stone? Even if you can't love me back, can you please let me love you? Please."
Did I mishear something?
... to be continued
Lead image from Google.
Thank you <3
April fools and April butterflies
It's another manic Monday for us all. Even so, it's a beautiful day to start the whole week at work or school. I'm very happy today because I received another call from mom telling me that dad is missing me and wants me to go home. I have decided to go home on Saturday, April 9 because it's a national holiday in our country and it is called The Day of Valor (Araw ng Kagitingan). It's a day to give honor to Filipino war veterans who died and served the country and also to commemorate the fall of Bataan to Japanese troops during World War II. We owe them the freedom that we are enjoying today.
I'm not going to talk about Philippine history hahaha. As March gave me a lot of heartaches, April is giving me a lot of butterflies, like a whole zoo of it. I am wondering because I am acting so sus since the 1st day of April. I must have been fooled badly on the April fools, how I wish I was, but, I am feeling it is different.
On April 1st, I received a random chat from my classmate in high school. Though we exchange messages before those were for some formal topics. Aside from the fact that we weren't that close, not close enough to send pranks or make a joke, I was surprised for the reason that I knew that he was on policeman training in Tacloban City.
I received a chat, "*nagkaon na ka, love?"* (Have you eaten, love?) I was confused so I replied to ask him if he got his message wrong sent. Then, he just replied, "*human na sad ko ug kaon, love. Amping diha prime."* (I'm done eating, love. Take care always). Of course, I was too stunned to make a reply. I was thinking, *"nahubog siguro ning tawhana uy"* (this guy's probably drunk). I wasn't thinking of April fools because I'm busy at work. I didn't make a reply anymore because I don't go for conversations like this. I often leave people on read in messenger.
On the evening of the same day, I received a chat from the same person, "Happy April Fools!" I just rolled my eyes, like who the hell cares hahaha. But, I sent a sarcastic message to him. "Oh, congratulations! That was very successful 😏." And continuous messaging happened after that. I wasn't expecting it either.
Since then, we exchange messages over random things, he told me about his training, that they were already deployed in our town and they had already started their duty as policemen. It's been four days including today of non-stop exchanging of chats and three consecutive nights of video calls.
On the second day, he confessed that he got a huge crush on me back in elementary and high school. I remembered he was that cool, sporty, boy at school and was so bad in academics. I became so proud of what he is right now. He confessed that since they were deployed, he was thinking of talking to me and somehow asking for a chance because he said that he is no longer the grubby boy at school hahaha. I don't see him like that way back then hahaha.
I don't know but ever since the confession he made, I felt so overwhelmed and I am smiling again from ear to ear whatever I do, may it be at work, eating, or reviewing my lesson. Yes. I know. This is bad. It's all fun and games until I am feeling strange again. I am not certain about my feelings yet because I think it's very early to develop feelings, right? I am just overwhelmed by the feeling and the attention he is giving, that could be all, right?
I am afraid because he was being observant and he notices some mixed signals I'm unaware that I am already giving him, that I could not be able to take the risk. I admit that I am waiting for his messages and calls. But, I think I'm just being friendly, right?
I don't know I'm in a state of confusion and uncertainty. But, whatever this all means, I'm happy that someone is making me smile unconsciously, I just love the feeling.
Lead image from Google.
Thank you, everyone, :*
In love with my cousin
I've been so away for how many days because of so many things to be done at work. Anyways, I'm still trying my best to somehow read and comment on some of the articles posted around here. I am still grateful for the people who still support my write-ups despite my absences. I hope I can be able to reciprocate your good deeds.
Time flies so fast and it's now already April, my birth month. I hope everything goes well this month as you all know with all the things that happened to me that I shared in some previous entries about the unpleasant events that happened to me in March. Life must go on as they say. I have finally decided to come home soon and make things right. Talk to my father and discuss the tension we had. Life's too short to hold grudges against people you love. Nothing can solves problems if there will be no communication.
I got a call last Monday from my mother asking about my whereabouts, that they want me to come home, and my dad is waiting for me. I was touched by it that it brought me to tears again. I don't know but I'm not a crybaby but when it comes to my family, my tears are so shallow. She also mentioned the upcoming wedding of my cousin who is now a policeman in our town. I got excited about the news and after our conversation, I messaged my other cousin, ate Faye. She was the closest to Kuya Bry.
I received her response in the evening. She said she already knew about it and she was even one of the bridesmaids. I understand that ate Faye was feeling sad because as Kuya Bry gets married, they cannot do the things they usually do. But, I did not expect the next story she told me.
As she trusted me very much she told me that It was okay for me to judge her but I don't think I'm in the position to infer. I learned that she and Kuya Bry have a special relationship that is more than being cousins. Well, ate Faye and Kuya are third-degree cousins, I'm closer to Kuya Bry. But, since our families are very close, that is why I don't think the kind of situation they're in is acceptable.
Ate Faye is 27 years old, single, and is a public school teacher. Everything makes sense why ate Faye doesn't like to entertain some guys who are interested in her. They've been in a secret relationship for more than 6 years. They started dating during the training days of Kuya Bry.
We all know ate Ja who's been together with Kuya for 3 years. They met through Kuya Lance, Kuya Bry's brother, he's also a policeman. No one doubts the closeness of ate Faye and Kuya Bry because he has a girlfriend.
I've read some of their conversations. Something that hurt me was that there were so many times Kuya Bry wanted to let the family know but ate stopped him from doing it. She's afraid that it will cause a ruckus in the family. I wanted to say that they shouldn't have pursued the relationship if they knew the consequences but I do not understand what runs in the minds of people in love so I chose to keep it to myself.
In January, they were supposed to be celebrating their anniversary but ate Faye did not show up at their house because ate Ja was there. It was the time that something happened to Kuya Bry and ate Ja and now she is more than two months pregnant.
I felt the pain as she told me the story non-stop. I'm glad that she let it out because it's been a while since she deactivated her social media accounts except for messenger. She said she begged for him to run away with her but Kuya Bry wants to have a family already. It is not like they're getting younger.
I thought when you felt something towards your cousin it's just platonic no romance involved but for ate Faye, he's the only one for her.
Our conversation ended at midnight. In the morning, I received a message from her telling me to replace her or find someone if I'm not available for her position as one of the bridesmaids. She's going off somewhere as an excuse not to be asked why she did not attend.
I want to hear Kuya Bry's thoughts. I want to know why he did that to ate. I don't know who's to blame. But I know for sure both of them are hurting since they love each other.
It's the literal "Ako yung nauna, sya ang wakas," (I was the first and she was the last) kind of story. And it's awfully breaking my heart.
Lead image from Google.
I miss y'all ❤
You just made my day, @OfficialGamboaLikeUs
Thank You! <heart><heart> :*
The Girl in the Pink Dress
Do you believe in angels? I know we're too old to believe that angels do exist with us. Our world is not fantasy-like what we see in movies where angels disguised themselves as human beings. But, there are many angels in this world and we see them everywhere. Those who help other people are good angels. Those who care about their children are your parents who provide you security and attention are also your angels.
Earlier this morning, I had some free time and I was just making a PowerPoint presentation for my English class. I accidentally dropped the textbook that I was using as my reference when it opened on a page of a story that I am not familiar with. I got hooked by the title and started reading it. I wanted to share the story with all of you because it's very meaningful to me and for sure you will also feel that someone is always on our back.
The story was about a young lady who was walking alone in the park when she noticed a little girl sitting by herself in the park. No one approached her and other children don't play with her. She was dressed in a pink dress, barefoot and dirty. As people walked passed by her, she just watched them as they go.
The next day the young lady, went back to check if the little girl is at the park. She was delighted to see the little girl on the same spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes. She made her move toward the little girl as she was curious about her and she was also worried knowing that a park is full of strange people and it's not a safe place for young children to be alone in a crowded place.
As she got closer, she saw the back of the little girl's dress. It was grotesquely shaped. She thought that could be the reason why people ignored her. Deformities are a low blow to society and, only a few people with a good heart will make a step toward someone different.
The little girl was timid as she approached her. But, the young lady was too friendly that the little girl got comfortable with her. She could see the grotesquely shaped humped-over form of her back. They talked and eat until darkness fell and the park was empty.
She asked her why was she so sad? The little girl responded with a gloomy face telling her that it was because she was different. But she told her that she's like an angel; sweet and innocent. Like a little guardian angel sent to watch over all those people walking by.
The little girl just nodded and smiled as she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to spread and she introduced herself to the young lady, "I am your guardian angel."
She was in disbelief that she couldn't open her mouth. The angel said to her, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here is done."
She got her senses back and asked her why did no one stop to help an angel. Then, she found out that it was only her that could see the little girl in a pink dress at the park. Then she was gone. And that changed her life dramatically.
So, when you think you're all you have when you encounter struggles and different battles in life, remember, your angel is always watching over you.
Thank you so much, my angels, for the continuous support 💙
A Letter to Theodore Finch
Dear Theodore Finch,
You are the character I feel most connected to. I wish I could tell you that I feel your pain.
You were not a coward, Theo. I wish you had someone to talk to. I wish someone would have realized what you were going through.
I know that you’re struggling and that I am sorry that you couldn’t live a long and happy life. I’m angry that no one tried hard enough to help you, that no one seemed to care about your well-being.
It was so empathetic of you to understand Violet's pain and loss and help her revive from her sister's death.
I love the way you found a way to metaphorize everything. I love the way you longed to find hope in every tiniest thing nature had to offer. I love the way you pulled out Violet from the little shell she had absorbed herself in.
You gave Violet a hundred things to find hope in. You gave her a reason to live her life and move on from her grief.
For all you losing all hope and having no choice, you let Violet have many choices for herself. You loved Violet and stood by her at her worst. You complimented Violet Markey's character so well.
I know that Violet tried to help, I know she did – but I wish she didn’t give up on you – I wish she tried to look for you when you decided to disappear again, as everyone claims that you have always done. That that is just the way you are, that you come and go – but you always come back. I don’t know what it feels like when your world seems to be shrinking and constricting you, that feeling you want to just disappear. She truly did love you though, I could see that – she did. And you loved her.
I hate that you committed suicide. I hate that nothing was enough to make you last a long time. I hate that the empty feelings you were prepared to channel into this one feeling - love, were too fierce for your strength.
Finch, I wish I knew you – if you have been a real-life person, I wish I knew who you were… the real you, none of those personas and facades that you have created to hide. Would have I been able to help you? I don’t think I would have been able to, but I would have liked to try – to listen and try to understand how you were feeling.
It was hard reading how much you wanted to live to be a part of this world, to live happily and content. You helped Violet live her life, freed her from her grief and at that moment you were happy. What happened Finch? Why did you do it? I want to know what went wrong because I want to understand. You know, I feel like you never truly revealed what you were feeling – that you were always trying to avoid it. I guess you didn’t have a choice because you have been labeled – and that’s the worst thing they could have done to you, Finch.
I am sorry, Theo, they called you freak and faggot and labeled you with other nasty adjectives, but for me, you are a hero, Finch.
I am sorry that your dad didn't know what he was losing when he left you. I am sorry that your mom didn't realize that you were broken.
I’m sorry, that’s all I can say.
I hope that one day you will be able to find the Great Manifesto, that you’re finally happy and can be yourself. I hope you’re happy now Finch because you deserve it.
You are alive, Theodore Finch, in my heart and I'll always hold on to you.
Yours truly,
Fyangzee
Lead image from Google.
Thank you ❤
All The Bright Places
How are you read stars? I was not able to publish articles for a while because I got busy with the grades again. My eyes are swollen for computing the first batch of examiners and for sure my eyes will pop out this week for the second batch. I was not able to sleep last night so I browsed some good movies to watch on Netflix. I found the movie adaptation of All the Bright Places. I've read the book already and I could say it's one of my favorite books by Jennifer Liven.
It tells about friendship and depression. It's like you set aside the battle you were in just to fight in the battles of the other people. In the end, you will end up losing the battle because you were busy keeping others safe while you were silently and slowly dying.
Here are some of the best lines I got from the movie which is also from the book:
At some point in our lives, we could all be like Violet Markey. Who lose faith in themselves and try to end up things in the easy way. Then there comes a Theodore Finch in the lives that will tell us that we're more than what we think we are. Even if we deny it, sometimes, we need a Theodore Finch in our lives to remind us that there's still more that we can do. That we are not being stagnant. We just have to figure it out. Try new things that could lead us to something unfamiliar and might interest us.
I am one of those people that forgets specific things because I focus more on the general which is accepted by many people. I just realized that it is true. I cannot remember the date when I was extremely happy but I remember the moment with my friends and my family. With this line, I thought of the times I wasted which could've been a moment to remember. So, from now on, even from the simplest things, I'm going to make most of it as it could be a moment of my life worth remembering.
No one starts from big. I know what Finch meant when he said this. He meant to explore things around. Locking yourself in a place where you're not improving and developing means the place is not for you or it could be the right place but there's no extra effort exerted on it. For example, I am still in a small place. Had I given up the first time I was here, I shouldn't have learned many things that can help me as soon as I move into a bigger place.
Sometimes we are suffocated because we are doing the things that don't interest us but because of what the people in your environment tell you, you're giving it a shot because you don't like to fail them. I've met people in my life who sacrificed their happiness because their happiness doesn't make the people around them happy. So, they do things that are against their will just to put smiles on their faces. Our happiness, career, and everything should not be dictated to us by other people. We should not work for the happiness of others. It may sound being selfish but, think about yourself, are you happy? are you satisfied? You'll end up regretting not doing the things that make you happy. Let yourself define what happiness means to you, not going with the standard of the people.
I don't know but this is real. I feel like I'm messing things up. I was not the same jolly person I was before. I lost interest in all the things I love to do. I often forgot to ask for an update on how are my pets doing at home. I feel like I'm in a blank state. Ever since I walked away from home, a part of me went missing. I distanced myself because I'm in too much pain. I still cannot process and accept how did things between me and my father go down this way. He is angry at me and I am angry at myself too. I'm just thankful that I'm still in control because as much as possible I do not want my work to be affected by my issues. What I want is for me to clean the mess I made.
I considered the people at my work to be my bright places because somehow they helped in coping with stress and disturbs me from getting into my deep thoughts and also my sister who checks me out from time to time asking me how am I. Like what Theodore Finch did to Violet. Violet was on the darkest part of her life and Finch took him out and brought her to the bright place. He taught her of the many things she didn't realize. He fought with her as she's battling with extreme sadness because of the death of her only sister. He was the bright place of her life.
The movie made me cry a lot the same I felt when I read the book because even though I already knew what will happen at the ending, the movie gave justice to what's everything described in the book.
I hate that Finch committed suicide because he did not let Violet or the other people understand him. He wanted to look like the one who is strong like what they know about him, but deep inside, he is dying. It's ironic of him to be a bright place of someone else when he cannot able to bring himself on the light. I wished he was saved and lived happily with Violet.
Let us prioritize our mental health and as much as possible, let's avoid getting depressed and sad. If you're struggling, let others help you to bring you to a bright place.
Happy Sunday, everyone.
All images are from Google.
Thank you ❤👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇
@Apex_Thomas I'm beyond grateful of your generosity <3
I Forgot to Forget You
It's been a few days since the day you left. I've been alone for a few days now as well. I wonder how many more days will I be alone.
How many more weeks will pass until you come back? How many more months will it take for you to come back?
Are you still coming back? Just tell me when. Because I honestly forgot to forget you.
You are the one what I am looking for every hour that passes. Your scent is what I'm looking for in every fading clothes you left in my closet. Your name is what I write in the waves that strike my feet. Your palm is what I long for with every handkerchief that I use to wipe away my tears. And in our memories is where I get every strength I exert every time I fall backward.
You have been my rest in my tiring world. And you are still my respite from this exhausting pain and grief. You are still the one I go home to every time I step away. Because I can still see in you the temporary pleasure and happiness that you permanently took away. You are still my rest in this world even if I'm no longer your home.
In my great hope that you will come back to me, I forgot to move forward without you. Yes, I haven't been able to move on alone because I'm still waiting for you. Please forgive me because I love you too much that I forgot to forget you. Because I'm so much forgetful that I forgot to forget you.
If I'm no longer the one you want to take a break from in times of weariness, I hope you find the one that will truly make you feel at ease but remember that if the day ever comes that you want me back, And you thought I was still the one you wanted to go home to, remember that I am waiting for you from the home we built.
I forgot to move on alone
I forgot to forget the memories we made
I forgot to love others because I still feel like it's still me in your heart
I forgot to end our two-year story
I forgot to let go of your hugs
I forgot to forget you because I feel like you're still there
I forgot to forget you,
Please teach me to forget you.
If I was still that same girl...
It was Friday afternoon. I went straight to my favorite coffee shop before going homecoming from the school I just enrolled in. Coffee is my comfort zone.
I ordered my favorite, Blonde vanilla latte, and searched for a place to sit. There are not a lot of people in the shop since it's lunchtime. I decided to sit on the far side on the left corner. Perfect view for me. I can see the people and the vehicles outside. I got used to this seat because I'm a regular customer here.
“Hi, can I?” a baritone voice caught my attention. Familiar. Even the smell was very familiar. So, I looked at him.
It was him. The man I loved.
Loved.
“Yeah, sure.”
He sat across the table and now he is facing my direction. I felt a little bit of awkwardness so I looked around and there I saw the empty seats. I find him suspicious why did he choose to sit here.
For the past three years, this was the first time we ever saw each other again. Unplanned and definitely not destiny.
“How are you?” I remembered how I used to love his voice every time we spend the whole night talking over the phone.
I smiled, half-smiled rather, “I'm okay. Hmm feeling great actually”
Perhaps, if I was still that girl who cried just by the sight of his shadow and desperately begged him to come back to me, I could've done the same before he could ever sit in front of me.
But thanks God, I already learned my lesson. Everything was so clear for me.
“G-good to hear that.” He said as he slightly scratched the back of his head.
If I was still the girl who was so deeply in love with him, I would've smiled at him, because every time he does that, I find him cute.
But sorry, I'm not the same girl he knew anymore.
“How about you? Why are you here” I changed our topic.
Again, if I was still the girl who loved him, maybe I'm stammering right now. I recalled the time when he first noticed me, I was not so confident that time that I was not able to utter words properly to him, probably because my heart is jumping with joy inside.
But I'm not her anymore.
“There are so many things I missed here. That's why I came back” he said.
I sipped a bit of my coffee, forcing myself not to laugh in front of him. Perhaps, he missed fooling around?
If I was still the girl from 3 years ago, I could've been the happiest thinking that he's missing a lot in this coffee shop. I was somehow a part of his past in this coffee shop. He was the one who made me love coffee.
But I'm not. I'd rather be alone than to be with him.
“Oh, I see. So, are you gonna continue your studies around here?” I asked.
“Yes. I already enrolled in your school.”
I frowned at what he said, “How did you know to where school I'm enrolled in?”
“Ah that, I got the information from your best friend– Ira”
Ira.
My best friend.
I scoffed at what I heard. “She told you?”
He nodded his head. How numb of him.
“Let me correct you, she's my friend” then I smiled.
“But I thought—”
I cut him off, “That was before, Jake. Do you want me to tell you why? It is because—”
Before I could finish what I am trying to say, he cut me off, “Bree.” it was soft but there was stress in it.
Why? Guilty?
It is because of you.
I laughed, “Okay, okay. Sorry”
“No, I'm sorry.” He looked at me, directly to my eyes. “I am the one who should say sorry. I'm sorry, Bree”
I raised my eyebrows.
If I was still that girl, perhaps I already throw myself at him and hugged him tight telling him it was okay and we could start all over again.
But sorry, I'm not fragile anymore.
“You haven't even said your apology, but I already forgave you.”
Yes, you read it right. But, I cannot forget. The heart that has been damaged, makes the mind remember everything. I can still even recall how I begged for them. How I looked so desperate, just to make him come back to me. I almost died thinking how could they ever betray me when I never wronged them. Why of all people were my best friend and the man I love hurt me?
“Bree, I didn't mean it. I was wrong for hurting you.”
If I was still that same girl, maybe I'm already crying and give back my trust to him and be together with him again.
But I'm not.
“Anyway, that was three years ago,” I said.
“I want you back.” He directly said.
I was shocked, but I was able to compose myself back. “I was not the one who left, so I'm not gonna come back."
“Look, Bree. I'm here. I want the old us back”
If I was the same girl, perhaps I am the happiest girl in the whole world. No one ever compares to the feeling when the person whom you used to love comes back to you.
But I'm not. I'm already happy without him and I am keeping my peace this time.
“No, never again.”
He cheated, I moved on.
I stood up from my seat and left him without glancing back at him. This is happiness for me.
Lead image from Google.
:)
My Life's Greatest Ironies
We learned in our English class what irony is. It is a part of the figures of speech. It somehow helps some write-ups and poetry become artistic to read. The irony is a figure of speech in which there is a contradiction of expectation between what is said and what is really meant. In life, we had so many ironies and I think that is what makes life interesting to live.
I always love the sea. I love how the waves hit my body. I love the feeling of the fine sand on my feet. I love how the salty breeze fills my lungs and I love how the sun kisses my skin. Though I've always loved it I never tried to learn how to swim. I cannot swim but if only I tried it or have someone teach me to swim, probably I could be diving underwater. But ever since, I never got interested to learn it because I am afraid of what to see underneath the water.
There are times that I hate being a teacher. It is because I teach on what's in their textbook and it's contradicting in my real life. For instance, in our Values Education in grade 5, our recent topic was all about developing camaraderie and harmony. How ironic for me to teach about developing camaraderie when I don't have a good relationship with my father. I told them camaraderie develops first inside the family or in the household. I guess I am just good with words, a great pretender, and a big liar.
My kind of genre in terms of movies and books that I watch and read is always romance or love stories. I watched all different love languages and read beautiful lines about love, but I am someone who cannot keep a relationship. I cringe when someone confesses their feelings, and I am someone who hides feelings. I am not romantically built up even with the kind of genre I prefer.
This applies to everyone who can relate. Are you that someone who gives good pieces of advice that's why many people come to you and seek advice? Because I am one of those people. It's just so funny to think that when times of trouble and sadness, there's no one I could run to and I can't seem to remember the words I give to someone to console their feelings. I should be applying in real life all the things I said to encourage someone who's losing hope. Very ironic.
Ever since the day I entered adulthood stage, I promised myself that I should stay healthy because I like to live longer in this life. I also teach children the ways to become healthy but I am the first to contradict everything I said to them. I sleep late, skip meals, drink alcohol, have bad diet habits, do not do exercise, etc. I am conscious of somebody else's lifestyle but I do not even take care of myself. Yeah, I am very inconsistent.
One of my favorite people on earth is my baby nephew. I love babies. I love how cute they curl in their cribs, the sound of their cry, and their baby smell. I have more pictures of my baby nephew than my sister. I look like I am the real mother. Nevertheless, I never wished to have a baby of my own. I don't want to have children. I am afraid that I might die in the delivery room while giving birth. Just imagining it, I can't bear the pain. I am fully aware that having a child your own fulfills the essence of being a woman. But, I don't think being a woman is only limited to that. When my sister is sick, I am the one who takes care of the baby. Even if I don't like to have a child, I feel and understand the responsibility of being a mother. If God permits, I would like to take care of some children who are unfortunate to feel a mother's love. I may not want to have my own children but I am more than willing to become a mother to those who need one.
Life is so full of ironies, I still have a lot to write but I'll probably put it on another entry. I missed writing. My heart and my mind were able to hibernate and think things over. I have a clearer mind now. I am still praying for my continuous healing.
I realized it's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel it and cry until everything gets light. It's even more okay when you let the things that burden you be heard by someone who listens. I am thankful that on my worst days, I am surrounded by people who care.
I read your messages. I cannot mention you individually, but my heart is beyond grateful to all of you. Thank you for the prayers, encouragement, and words that uplift my lonely soul. This will not be the last, I know there will be bigger waves to come, but next time, I'll surf on it.
It's so good to be back :)
Lead image from Google.
When anxiety Attacks
It's currently midnight as I am making this draft. I was already asleep but I was awakened for no reason. I can't go back to sleep. I'm supposed to think of something to write in the morning and upload it also. I was not in good shape today. Well, like the weather today, it was so fair and sunny but around noon the clouds darkened and it rained. Everything was so fine and all good in the morning. I was being productive. I ate my lunch happily because my viand is adobo which is my favorite.
I had two classes in the afternoon with my grade 5 pupils which I ended very early. It was not my intention to corrupt time but I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the class. We were discussing ratio and proportion when I burst into tears. At first, I felt like my heart was being crumpled. I tried to hold it in but I don't know what keeps on triggering it but I heard voices again in my head. I stopped for a while and turn off my camera so they will not notice the sudden changes in my expression. I look across the room and I saw my colleague busy doing her thing. I drank water to calm myself. I felt relieved after that. The discussion continued but for no reason again I felt the same sensation and it has greater intensity. We were solving something while I'm showing them my whiteboard for the solution but I can't hold it anymore. I ended the class right away and went to the washroom and there I burst myself into tears. I opened the faucet to let the water drip and cover the noise I'm making.
Seconds after, I heard knocks on the door. They're telling me to get out. But, I don't want to because I messed up. There wasn't enough space in the washroom, I held into something for support because I felt anytime I'm gonna collapse. I didn't notice that the thing I held on to was the diverter valve of the shower so all the water came to me. I was soaked in water, I feel extra cold and I can feel the palpitation in my heart and the chaos in my mind. Just then they opened the door with a spare key.
The next thing I knew I was covered in a towel and two of my colleagues were crying out probably because they pity me. My boss came in too and gave me a glass of water. She was rubbing my back trying to comfort me. I am so ashamed to face everyone, especially her because I was not able to properly do my job today. I kept on saying sorry about everything even if it doesn't relate to them. But, she just told me to let everything out. That's the worst part because I do not know how to let it out because I got used to keeping everything in me. I feel like I'm going crazy. For all I know, I was already fine but it keeps on coming back. I was given a sedative to help me calm down. When everything feels so light, it felt like it was as if nothing had happened.
It's Friday today and I took a day off. I didn't want actually but my boss suggested that it would be better if I rest today. I'm feeling light-headed now. This wasn't the first time I had an anxiety attack but it's the first time people saw me in that worst phase of my life.
I lost interest in everything that I liked to do. BTS, reading, k-drama, talking to my sister, gaming, etc. It's only writing that remained probably because there's nothing else I could do to write what I feel. I am praying for healing because I don't think I can still handle another anxiety attack.
I felt sorry for my pupils yesterday, they were asking if I was okay. To my boss, who cares a lot, and my colleagues who comfort me. I wished I could be able to express truly and put it all in words what is making my heart heavy.
This is such another disturbing entry.
I wish you all a good life :)
A Memory worth to Remember
How's your Wednesday? Today is just like the other Wednesdays. Except for, I'm still busy with making questionnaires for the upcoming 3rd quarter test for the Grade 6 pupils. We have them scheduled 1 week advanced than the other grade levels because some schools are already starting their entrance examination for incoming Grade 7 students. I was inactive for days because the signal here became weak that caused a lot of delays in our work too.
I remembered I had a memory on Facebook dated March 13, 2020. It was a memory of me that tested my patience with my pupils.
It was almost the end of the school year 2019-2020, my first-year experience in teaching. I felt so bad as a teacher for what happened at that time. I was conducting an examination, which was for the fourth quarter already, to my advisory class with a heavy feeling. My allergies are attacking me and aside from that, I am not feeling well when I woke up that morning. I remembered how bad my condition was at that moment. Then, there's this kid ( a grade four pupil, he is now in sixth grade, still under my advisory 🙌) who keeps on calling me and asking me random questions. At first, I answered all his questions without hesitation. That's what I am supposed to do as a teacher. Then came the next seconds or minutes, his asking of questions became continuous to think that it was their final test. That became an irritation to my ears. While conducting the exam, I kept on roaming around. I was guiding another pupil when he called me again, like this time I'm off to my limit, so unintentionally I shouted at the kid which stopped him. I just said, "STOP IT! **** YOU'RE SO ANNOYING! GANINA RA KA HA!" A fervent atmosphere covered the whole room. Everyone was silent and everyone was looking at me. I saw terrified and worried eyes. I looked at the kid I shouted at and I saw him with teary eyes. I let the others continue to answer their test and I approached the kid. I took his hand and I brought him to my table. He was just looking at the floor. Then I said, 'sorry! I didn't mean it.' Then his face suddenly glowed up and smiled at me. 'Here's my paper miss. Sorry, that I'm annoying today. It's just that I studied a lot on your subject to get a perfect score and I don't know why I remembered only half of them 🙁 That's why I keep on asking you to get a bit of a clue. I know you're not feeling well miss, and I want you to be happy with my score, but I guess I failed to do that 🙁 I took his paper and looked at it. He was smiling now but it doesn't reach his eyes. The disappointment was engraved in his eyes. It rendered the heaviness inside my chest. With just a simple thought, it magically touched my heart. So, as I checked his paper, the boy did not fail to put a smile on my face. That was beyond happiness.
I just missed being with the kids, seeing them enter the class, wearing neatly their uniform, and hearing their laughter when they play games after class. It's not easy to take care of children not your own especially if you're someone who doesn't have any experience of having a child your own. In the classroom, the teacher is the parent, you have to look out for each of them making sure that they are learning, safe and comfortable.
It's making me feel sad with the thought that the first advisory I had is almost graduating, they'll be going to different schools, have different friends, and different teachers. I wanted to know how much I have shared in their lives. Would they remember my lessons once they encounter something that they can relate to? I feel like I'm going to miss those kids.
I hope they will never forget about me.
Roommate Problems ver. 2.0
Hello everyone! I took a day off writing because I had so much to finish on Sunday. Today's Monday and just like all of my Mondays' my schedule is very tight. I guess that's what Monday is to everyone.
Everything was so good in the morning. In the morning my classes end at 10:45 a.m. and will resume at 1 a.m. I was busy uploading my presentation and editing some parts of it to our LMS when I realized it was already lunchtime and my roommate who was my colleague also (I mentioned her before), was still at her table, I thought she was busy with something, I remembered we do not have the same schedule. She only has one class every Monday at 2 p.m. She's supposed to go downstairs and cook rice for us. We're just gonna buy outside for viand. It seems like she's pretending that she's doing something when I can hear that she's watching videos on her laptop. I'm starting to get irritated because this was not the first time that she will not do some chores when she has free time. I'm not someone who coarsely reminds someone of all the things I do but, as roommates, I think it's normal to have a fair share of doing all the tasks. I don't have to remind her because she knows my schedule every Monday. I just felt it is unfair because every time she ends her at 11:45, I already cooked rice and was able to cook lunch as well or ordered a viand outside. I don't know why she can't do the same. We've been together for how many months already but it seems like she became too comfortable living with me. I was supposed to finish what I had to finish within that time, but I have to pause for a while to go on the first floor where our room is and prepare lunch for my "madam"
As I was in rage deep inside, I shut down my laptop and put down the book I was holding harshly, she was startled even, and said, "naunsa man ka oy?" (What happened to you?) she was grinning while saying that because she thought that what I did is just to stun her. I flew out of the room without meeting her gaze because I'm greatly annoyed by her. She's insensitive in so many ways. I would never wish for the same roommate like her ever again!
At 11:30 a.m. I went back to my table, as the rice was already cooked. I was supposed to order viand online when my other colleague went to our room and asked us if we want chicken for lunch. I was kind of craving chicken. It's so hot to go outside, I get money out of my purse and I was somehow hoping she would offer to be the one to buy outside but instead, she said, "paapil ko ninjo bi," and I was like, "ywa jud ka day!" but of course, I did not say that but I wished I did. My other colleague and I got no other choice but to go out and buy. She was even complaining about her but I remained quiet while going to buy fried chicken.
I thought she had already gotten the rice from our room and brought it upstairs because that's where we all take our lunch. Guess what? It's on me, again!
I promised that I don't have problems doing household chores because I'm used to it, but living with someone, who's not even my boss, is a completely different story. She should know it better because she always told us that she graduated as a working student, amazing, right? Everyone who gets to hear that story will be inspired. But it's an irony to me now.
I am sorry for ranting about my roommate again here, I just don't want to share it with people who know her. At least even if I complain and reprimand her actions here, no one knows her. I just want to put my rage in words right now. For sure, you will understand how am I feeling if you were in my shoes. And surely, you will never want a roommate/colleague like her.
11:37 p.m.
Lead image from Google.
Saturday: Karaoke Nights
Earlier this morning, I was able to join the writing prompt of Miss Jonica Bradley that talks about Bad Habits. I joined for the reason that I can very much relate to it. But, I am already trying to build up self-discipline so I can be productive as I can be.
I only felt the side effect of the booster shot I had yesterday around 9 a.m. As I was having my class I felt so cold and my feeling became so heavy. Right after the class I went downstairs to my room and get a sweater and change into some thick pajamas. I already knew that I was having a fever even without using a thermometer.
In the afternoon, I had my last class in Science 5. I'm still all covered up. At 2 pm, we were scheduled for the national I.D. Good thing when we went to the Town Center, there were no more people who were there. As soon as we got there, we have entertained right away. It took us only 10 minutes to finish the biometrics for the National I.D.
At 5:30 p.m. we went to our colleague's house because of her daughter's birthday celebration.
When we got there the party didn't start yet. It took 10 minutes or so before the party started. I enjoyed the food anyway. I considered this night as a cheat night haha... I'm actually starting my diet already a month and I am also drinking a slimming coffee. It helped a lot though. I was 56 kg before and in just 2 weeks I lost 5 kg.
Karaoke is a part of every Filipino celebration. After dinner, we went to the entertainment room and had karaoke. Of course, for every celebration, there's always food and drinks. We were served with Beer Grande.
There are only 8 of us around the karaoke but only 6 of us are drinking. Most songs that are played are from Carpenters, Air Supply, etc. I don't join yet since I'm too shy yet to hold the microphone and sing a song. I started to sing when I already felt the alcohol in me. Music really can ease our feelings. I was feeling unwell the whole afternoon but I feel so fine after taking a few shots. I am feeling so tipsy already but I am still able to compose this entry.
As the night goes deeper, slow songs are played but I am not familiar with most classic songs. I listen to them but not enough to know their titles.
We finished almost midnight and I could really tell that I had the best time. They said you can only tell if you are having a good time if you feel the liquor in your body. I felt mine and I don't feel the side effects of the booster shot anymore.
Have a happy weekend!
Bad Habits
It's a beautiful Saturday now that the rain had stopped pouring. Everything in the sky now is so clear. As I write this entry I'm already at work because I was not able to write last night. I got my booster shot yesterday and the side effect of the shot I felt on me is that it kept me drowsy. I did not even notice my alarm this morning.
So, I've come across with Ms. @JonicaBradley about Bad Habits. I can't deny to myself that I have a lot of those. If I am to make a compilation of my bad habits, I think there's one that will be at the top of my list. That is my love for delaying things or much known as procrastination.
I've mastered procrastination ever since I was in grade school. Though I am on the honors list but, my way of doing my activities and projects at school is not ideal. I don't know why I've become so addicted to cram but, it makes me more active to finish what I had to do. But it gives me limited time to do it. I could make something more in my project but I had to make it simple so I could still pass on time. So, I am the kind of someone who does projects at the same time as the deadline.
So, I've brought that habit when I became a college student. There I experienced, the negative effects of delaying things. I somehow managed to graduate even with my worst habit. If you're wondering what was I doing during the times I wasted, well I was doing my good habits. I read books, watch documentaries, or sleep. Well, I think those are much better than wasting my time hanging out with friends doing unnecessary activities. I prefer having a me-time as I waste my time.
Now, that I am building up my career, I am slowly eradicating this habit. I know this is not ideal when you work in a company that needs to be on time all the time. Somehow, I barely procrastinate things because I am fully aware that I don't own all of my time anymore. And it's just fulfilling when you pass documents early than the deadline. Hopefully, I'll overcome this bad habit that has been clinging to me for the longest time.
Another bad habit I have is that I eat too much, now I am sacrificing myself to have a diet because my weight is no longer normal for my height. Since January, I started to abstain from foods with too much sugar and carbs. I am seeing improvements in myself anyway after months of diet and a little bit of exercise.
All in all, what I realize with all of my bad habits is that I lack self-discipline. I have become very much confident in managing my time.
So how about you? What are your bad habits?
I want to thank Miss @JonicaBradley for having this writing prompt.
If you want to join this prompt, all you have to do is follow her simple rules:
**Join** the Promptly Jonica community here https://read.cash/c/promptlyjonica-b4a0
**Write** anything about **bad habits**
Write 100% **original** content
**Submit** your article to PromptlyJonica
**Tag** Miss, @JonicaBradley https://read.cash/@JonicaBradley
Have **fun!**
Have a blessed day ahead!
Lead image from Google.
So, you found someone else 😶
It's another cuddle-weather everyone. Every time the weather is like this I feel so extra single. Is it just me? Hahaha. I hardly fall asleep because I'm scheduled to get my booster shot later this afternoon. I super duper hate needles. It's been 4 months since I got my first dose and second dose. I hope nothing serious reactions will occur to my body because I really hate being sick.
I got bored the other day and I just view some stories of my Facebook friends. Every time something amuses me, I'll react or leave a comment. Then, I saw this story without looking at the person who posted it, it's just a meme about the price hike of gasoline.
I find it so hilarious that I reacted and leave a comment then, when I saw in my messenger, my ex's name is at the top. I panicked because I was too confident in commenting. I was thinking of deleting the message I sent but it would be so cynical. Girl, don't be so sus. It's just a reaction. I just consoled myself. Then I received a reply from him.
For sure he was surprised to see my name on his messenger too.
We met 4 years ago by a common friend, we get along and fell for each other. He's younger than me. I was in my 3rd year in college at that time and he was in his first year in college. We have a lot in common that is probably what made me fall for him because he can relate to all the things I like. At first, I have no intention of putting our friendship to the next level because first of all he is younger than me, and I don't like our friendship going to waste. I already know that time that I can't keep a relationship because I easily get bored and withdraw all my feelings. But, he insisted that we should try it out.
The first month was so good and I thought that it was going in to be different this time but the second month came, I felt it again. I broke up with him. I reasoned with him that I should not be in a relationship when my family is going through some problems. Yes, that's how baddie I am. I am not proud of using my family just to get out of the relationship. I dumped him over the phone. He was studying in Tacloban so we're kind of like having a long distance relationship. He never gave up pursuing me again but for me, what's done is done.
Backtracking over these few years, I realized I wasted such a precious person. As our conversation went along, I never felt any hatred or bitterness coming from him. He's still the guy I was exchanging conversations with 4 years ago. I kind of missed the feeling. I thought if ever I'll open my heart to people who already became a part of me, I'll let him and I'll make sure I'll do this thing right.
Suddenly, I read on my screen that he cleared my nickname. That means all those years he kept my nickname on messenger. Slowly, I realized why he removed my nickname. I told him, jokingly you deserved to be happy, out of nowhere after he removed my nickname. I even acted as that I don't remember my nickname on his messenger. He said thank you and asked me how did I know? As if I'm slow and insensitive.
I was disappointed by my own assumptions. I think I'm just bored again to think that the idea of "us" is still possible. But, I just end up brought down to earth and I'm just comforting myself again so I'll not feel bad at all knowing that he has already someone. What do I expect, right? It's just me who's so romantically hopeless. Anyway, I still want him to be happy. We ended our conversation with a good note and probably we're back as friends. I promised I'll support him no matter what, I'm the big sis, after all, 😁🤧
Have a Blessed Friday, Everyone ❤
Lead image from Google.
@JustMaryel you just made me so happy ❤ Thank you po!
@JustMaryel you just made me so happy ❤ Thank you po!
Sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa...
Hi, there read stars. I've been off for a while because I had my monthly sickness and dysmenorrhea almost killed the hell out of me. On Tuesday was the International Womens' Day and with the condition, I suffered yesterday, I thought to myself being a woman is indeed not an easy role in this world. I should feel honored, for God made me a woman. I salute all the strong women out there, we are all beautiful and we are all worth the love in this world.
I excused myself after I finished my class in the afternoon, so I could lay down and relax my lower abdomen part. I was trying to doze off but the pain is keeping me awake. I spent like hours scrolling Facebook. I planned on reading articles on this platform but my head can't focus.
I messaged my elder sister and cousins in our group chat. It's safe though because all the members there are only females. I asked for sympathy and what position should I do to make me fall asleep. They have replied in various ways which made me laugh at others' replies. I felt good in that way though. Our conversation went on, we didn't care even if the night is getting deeper. Then one of my cousins who is older than me called me and asked for a bit of my time.
Have you ever been told by anyone with their stories that somehow you needed to be careful with your words or else they're gonna drop the call because of not saying the right words?
On the other line, I heard at first her deep breathing. I just listened to her and waited until she started telling me what happened. I was stunned by the story she shared with me. When I was wasting my time scrolling Facebook, I read an essay about, "Kung sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa." I can't believe that what I'm hearing from my cousin is somewhat the same as that.
She worked as a nurse in Canada for 3 years, but before she went there, she did a lot of sacrifices. She broke up with her boyfriend, who was at the same time her best friend. At that time, her boyfriend was still pursuing his Engineering degree. She didn't want to be a burden to him especially since they are going to have a big difference in their time zones. She wanted him to focus only on his studies because she knows too well the hardships of a college student. Aside from that, if she didn't break up with him, she will never go to Canada. Unfortunately that time, her family is in need that is why she really had to go and leave him behind. But she said, she left her heart where her love is. It's with her first love.
Now that she's back. After not renewing her contract there, she's back for good. She has no plans to go back to Canada anymore. Of course, all of us, her close relatives, know about the breakup. We thought she's gonna end up meeting someone new there in Canada but we were wrong, as what she said, she left her heart where her love is.
The last time I heard about his ex-boyfriend was like 3 years ago, I'm still at college that time, since his family lives in the Luzon area, he was the only one in the Visayas because of his grandmother. When his grandmother died, a few months after my cousin went abroad, he went to his family in Manila. And transferred also there. After that, we got no news about him anymore. He deactivated his social media accounts.
My cousin was hopeful to see him again. I just knew that before going home, he stayed a few days in Manila. She somehow got connected to his sister. She was told what address where they can meet to see his first love again. The next thing I heard on the other line was another complete silence. I heard her silent sobs. I just listened. I was expecting that they met and then the guy doesn't want her back anymore because he is already successful and has a family now.
She said his sister took him on a wide pasture and there she saw his name carved on a cemented block on the ground. "In Memory of Bryan Jacob S. De Veyra." He died after a year of staying in Manila. Only a few months he will be graduating but one night, when he's on his way home from church, a group of boys blocked his way and they surrounded them. He was tortured and was stabbed many times. They took his cellphone, clothes, shoes, watch, money, everything he had with him. He was found lifeless and cold with nothing on his body. He was brutally killed.
My cousin felt the guilt. She said, she should've taken the risk of having a long-distance relationship. She blamed herself for what happened. I just listened to her on the other line because I do not know the right words to say. I am too stunned to utter a word. We ended the call almost midnight. I can't feel my dysmenorrhea anymore.
Before I fell asleep, I was thinking, probably it would be less painful if he was alive and got his own family. For sure my cousin will understand that. I understand that my cousin was holding on to the "Sana kapag pwede na, pwede pa" (I hope if it is possible already, it's still possible) idea. I don't know if that's the correct translation though, but, I learned too many lessons.
I hope you are too.
Have a great day ahead ❤
Thank you @foryoubtc09. ❤
I want you back 🎬
Hello everyone! How was your Monday?
I received a lot of warnings coming from the NDRRMC yesterday. We were receiving an Orange Rainfall Warning ⚠️ It's due to the heavy rains that landslide and flash floods are possible in the province (Southern Leyte) and Leyte. I just hope the rain would stop already to avoid such disasters in areas that are at risk.
I was able to submit the four test questionnaires I made the other night and l am waiting probably until tomorrow for the approval. I only finished one subject last night because I made a PowerPoint presentation for my class today first, before making another test questionnaire for other subjects.
I remembered I watched a rom-com movie on Sunday as a reward to myself and I wanted to share my favorite lines in the movie.
The title of the movie is "I Want You Back." It tells about two strangers who were unfortunately got dumped on the same week. Both of them are still hopeful that they will have back their loved ones after knowing that both of their exes already have a replacement just days after the breakup. So, they team up and planned to destroy their relationships. In the long run of the story, they became each other's companions, supporters, and comforter. They have so much in common and they both do not know what to figure out in life. One hasn't found her purpose in life yet, while the other one, needs someone to support his purpose in life. And they provided those to each other. Just like any other romantic movie, the two of them thought they were still in love with their exes but they actually found each other who proves that love comes when you least expected it.
So here are my favorite lines from the movie:
"I can’t start over. I’m too old. I missed the boat."
I remembered my uncle on this line.
He was in a relationship with his first love for more than 10 years and they were engaged for 2 years. He's already 35 years old and he already wants to have his own family. He's planning to have the wedding right after he ended his 6-months contract as a marine engineer in an international shipping line. But just months after his end of contract, he received news that his fiance got pregnant by a policeman assigned in our town. He had an emotional breakdown after that. Everything that was planned was canceled. But, my uncle was still after the woman who cheated on him. He said he can't love anyone else now. The line was exactly how my uncle really feels. I'm just happy that he's able to overcome the pain. They didn't get back together. Our family won't allow it. We never heard of that girl anymore and my uncle is back on sailing. Hopefully, he could find the love he deserves.
"I’m not a problem that needs to be solved."
I realized in this movie that I should not think of myself as a problem as I always do. Maybe I could be an answer or a solution to someone, not just a problem. I may be one of the many options but for sure there must be someone who's going to defend why am I the correct answer.
"I realized that is just who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that."
Being yourself, showing the real you is way better than faking yourself to others just to impress. I learned in this movie that, despite being indifferent, there are still people who are thankful and contented with your existence. They will accept you even the darkest parts of your past. You no longer have to pretend to someone you're not because they will accept and love every inch of you.
"You ever feel like you are getting left behind?"
I think so. But I still hold on to everybody having a different timeline and we have our success happen in different ways. So, I think also that I am just continuing as they walk or run-pass through me.
"Can I Tell You A Little Secret About Being An Adult? We’re All Just Pretending That We Know What We’re Doing And We’re Hoping That We Don’t Screw It Up Too Badly. And Then We’re Feeling Really S**Tty About Ourselves When We Do."
This is the line that best captured my attention. I found it so unbelievably true. Who knows that being a grown-up is so difficult sometimes, right?
It's a much-watch movie, I highly recommend this one. You will be in different emotions in this movie.
That's all, for now, 😊 I hope everybody will have a beautiful Tuesday ❤
@Fyangzee24
