@Fyangzee24 11 February 2022

The Valentine Letter 💌 Dearest, Sometimes in life, there are losses. Losses that can never really be replaced. Losing you has been the hardest thing I've ever had to live with. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. In the still and deserted spaces and eternities of my nights, that's where I seem to find you. In this four-walled space we shared for years, it became unfamiliar to me so suddenly. When I'm staring into nothing but my blank, brown ceiling. When I shut out the world. That's where you are. You're as empty as these moments. Nothing and everything all at the same time. You are as silent. Peaceful yet deafening. You are solitude. Lonely yet comforting. I'm thinking of you tonight. Thinking of where your consciousness has been all these days after your death. Did it continue to exist and grow? Did it just freeze in time? Did it just vanish together with your physical body? I wonder also if there's a parallel universe somewhere where a version of you didn't die and if that you was with a version of me still. I wonder what they would be doing. I wonder if they'd be happy or if they'd succeeded in our supposed plans and goals in life. I wonder if there was another universe where it was I who died. I wonder how you would have handled that. I also want to share with you that a part of me is envious of you. It's a new emotion in this grief journey. I'm jealous of the clarity and finality of your experience. It's as clear as black and white. Life or death. Here or nowhere. No in-betweens. I'm still alive. But a lot of me is, honestly, as dead as you. But the parts of me that are still alive are, surprisingly, finding their way to stay that way. Still! No idea how or why. Maybe that's the beauty of the human spirit. Or maybe that's just the natural instinct of organisms. Stay alive. As much as possible. The why and how I have no answer to. All I know is, tonight, I'm thinking of you. Tonight I'm with you, somewhere between here and nowhere. I miss you. When you died a part of me also died with you. I am not the same person anymore and the people around me need to accept that this life-changing event has altered my soul forever and if only God allows, I will follow you as I'm slowly losing my will to live. Watching you die twice in front of my very eyes as we tried to revive you is an image I will never forget. It's the memory that always pops up every time I close my eyes. I remember everything. It's so difficult to pretend that I am not affected at all. I wasn't ready to let you leave. I would give anything for just one more day, just one more second. But I've learned to trust in unconditional love. Because the one profound thing about death is that love never dies. Some bonds cannot be broken. Because even though you're not physically here, your heart is - it lives on within me. I carry your heart inside mine. I carry it on days when I discover something new. I carry it on days when beauty unfolds in the most unexpected places. I carry it on days when I find the courage to heal and to grow. I carry it with me - always. Someday we will meet again and we will no longer be separated by time or space. But until that day, I'll find comfort in knowing that you are still with me. Your heart is safely tucked inside mine. Some hearts just belong together and nothing will ever change that. Maybe one day; we'll meet again and explain to each other what really happened. Maybe one day we'll finally understand. Until then, I hope you lived your best life and I hope you really did all the things you always wanted to do. I loved you then. I love you now. Always did. Always will. Forever in my mind. Forever in my heart. Forever and Always, The One You Left Behind Lead image from Unsplash. Thank you ❤