Note To Self

Suddenly you're 22 and even though three years ago you swore to yourself you'd have everything figured out at that age, but what happened is that it did not go to what exactly what you wanted, well it's not the case. At all.

You still cry your heart out over to someone who does not deserve a single one of your tears; last year you cried for two different people because they hurt you in different ways. You thought of avenging yourself but you chose to be in silence because you wanted your peace of mind protected. You still struggle to let go of things and people you already said yourself you were done with. You still remember the times you were in good. Sometimes you thought of ignoring them to have your first step of letting go, but you can't seem to do it because you are weak when it comes to them.

You don't speak up for yourself or people who deserve it. You live in the background even though you've been fighting for it to change. Life passes you by and you're never in control- you're always stuck in the passenger seat.

You promised yourself you'll learn to drive that two-wheeled vehicle so you can say to them you're independent. You want to go to a place alone but you're stuck in the passenger seat because you were too nervous to meet big buses along the road. You're always that scaredy-cat.

You wanted to feel the waves of the sea on your skin but you're too afraid to drown. Swimming is a basic skill you need for survival. That should be what you're practicing instead of drowning your mind to unnecessary things. You're too good in overthinking but you're too bad in going back to the floor of your senses.

There are times when you feel like you're a warrior, and some days you're a broken mess. Most days you are a bit of both, nevertheless, you're there. Praying, standing, fighting, trying.

You told yourself, "I'll be happy in a year" but you're not. Happiness is always something that waits around the corner for you, but you're never fast enough to catch it and close your fingers around it so it doesn't escape. You always think of solitude was your only happiness that's why you always throw away people out of your life.

You don't know what your life will be like in another three years, you have absolutely no idea, and it scares you senseless, not knowing where you're going, where you want to be. It's like you're walking around with a blindfold covering your eyes.

You know what? It's not too late to get your life together. It's not too late to take that test, to write that letter, to send that application, to say goodbye to the people who do you no good, and to be who you want to be, whether you're 15 or 22 or 45. As what they always said, we all have different timelines.