String of Words

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2 years ago

Out of the blue, hipag asked me again to solve her chemistry assignment. It was the second time for that subject. The first time she requested for my assistance, that was a few months ago but I declined. Chemistry is not my expertise.

She called me over messenger but I told her off. It really is not my expertise. And teaching her that would mean I will have to study the subject again because what will I teach her then if I won't browse book and internet? If it is Math, then I would be more than willing to lend a hand. But Chemistry? I could but not. There are better people or teachers for that subject. And in case she will get the answer wrong, I will be responsible. Just because I might teach her something off. Chemistry is quite different from Math.

I know she understands. I don't need to explain. It's simple, I don't know the subject. Period.

Back here at home, I'm quite guilty because I have not really invested time teaching my children. So it follows I can't really do more for other people. I used to but upon reflection, I will first teach my kids before teaching others. Besides I have no extra time to spare. I will spare time but should be for my kids first before others. That was also suggested by my spouse. But sometimes, I simply volunteer my service to willing kids. for as long as they are obedient. Just little effort actually but mean so much for them so why not just render it to the kids.

Life during this pandemic has been dream like. We wake up in the morning, do the routine and sleep only to wake right back up and do the same thing. But I have no complaints. My only complaint is having to be taunted for what I am passionate about. But that is a very old story in my married life. Anyway, we manage to just stay cool with each other.

RenLeaf is due to massage my head and take my nits out of my hair but he is nowhere to be seen. He asked permission to go play with other children and come back at a particular time. He failed his promise yet again. But I know how it is to be with others then its hard to go home. That I understand. Just hoping he'll learn as he play with others. But then my nits are already making me want to have someone scratch my head. But I can just scratch it. The other kid who use to play with my hair is busy with her module.

It still has not sank in me that I am stringing words to publish online. Just a few years ago, I was very afraid of essay questions. I realized the factors that made me afraid of essay. Actually, when I saw the essay question thrown to us by our professor, there came again a wave of dread with regards to it. I assessed calmly what is with me and I found at least 3 reasons why I dread essay questions.

First, I just don't like the pressure that comes with it. There seems to be expectation of you that you have to meet.

Second, I hate making errors or arguing with others. There is a tendency that if I just copy, I will be branded plagiarist, and when I answer with my own, that I will be condemned. But that is just my exaggerated thinking.

Third, there is just this fear in me that what if I don't meet expectation and that I fail to pass on time?

I know that I am a sage when it comes to advising students but when it comes to my own study, I'm like a fool, an ignorant, and nervous. It does not necessarily mean of course that I get low performance. It actually is the opposite. Not to brag but at least I get some recognition from classmates and teachers. But really, I want to grow out of the extreme worries and fidgety feelings. Still, I think my anxiety now is worse. Online study. Online everything. I hope I will make it to the end.

The initial set of questions asked of us were more of our opinions. For the next weeks, we will be having reporting. I am feeling my laziness come to the surface. I might float in my laziness. My attempt to drop my studies has been unsuccessful. But I am really thankful for my accidental enrolment. My friend assumed I will enroll so she enrolled me online. She has no clue what I've been thinking. Sigh. The phlegmatic me. Sometimes this temperament is really sucky. But of course, it also has its advantages.

Maybe, I just fail to acknowledge that I am in a difficult situation now. Mothering children, being a wife to their father, studying, teaching, tutoring, writing. Sigh again. But you know what? I think I should be grateful. No, not I think, I should really be grateful. During this pandemic, many were laid off and I'm lucky I still have my day job plus my writing rocket.

These string of words maybe what you call rants but these are also essential part of life. It helps us figure out what we need to and will make us realize that there is nothing more to feel but gratitude.

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2 years ago