I once wrote the following:
“Come rain, and carry me away. Away from this mess that I have created. Bring me to the waters, where ocean meets the sky. Then I will swim forever, and there’ll be no goodbye.” (Title: JUST WHAT MY MIND TOLD ME DURING THIS RAIN)
It was written during one of the toughest times in my life. I just wanted to go away. Or wake up as if nothing ever happened. I just wanted to get away from all my problems. But my easiest escape back then was composing and writing remorseful lines. It wasn’t bad. I even felt proud of some of them, those that I wrote. Thinking back, I wanted to add more to my poems. But I decided to talk about things instead.
Yes, those were the times I’ve been very discreet with my problems. I acted as if I was okay but in reality, no. So I resorted to coding my words and speaking in vagueness.
I realized that no matter how hard, it is always best to talk about problems with family members or with the partner at least, before the problems escalate to almost unsolvable ones. We just have to fortify ourselves when telling our problems because initial reactions are sometimes unexpected. Lucky if people are calm but what if not?
I also wrote this before:
“Don't let it out just yet. Don't let it out hastily. Lay the groundwork, gather the nest. In preparing your haven is safe. And don't be deceived. It will not always mean peace. People are evil, they are jealous. They are violent, loud and unbelieving. As it may come out like a storm, you have to fortify your surroundings before deciding for some blow. Choose your method, don't be some fool. Don't make a fun out of yourself. Be tactful and wise. Don't hurt yourself. Pray before anything else. In praying, all the best will come to you. But in the end, truth will set you free.” (Title: TRUTH: UNMETERED)
It was like a warning for myself. But I think I also based it on my previous experiences. I don’t know, the person whom I wanted to tell the truth to is not open-minded. And I’d rather keep things as secret than confide in the person. Anyway, things changed a lot nowadays and I am more open than before. We’ve undergone a lot of processes that we became more matured. Things would go ugly from time to time but we are growing year after year. We learn our lessons. We learn from past mistakes.
I find it essential to go back to how things were so I may be able to learn from all that has happened. Hurtful moments will pop out. But there were also good times, happy times. It’s inevitable not to recall the emotions involved back then. But I have to be fair and feel those again if needed. It’s a chance to test my resiliency.
I was glad that I did not spend unnecessarily this morning when I went somewhere. I ate at home. I was able to have the remaining ham, three pieces. I ate with soy sauce and that was more than enough.
Yes, that was one of the things I learned. To delay gratification. If I will be honest, these days are survival days. One wrong turn and I will mess up my plan. So I will endure the hardships while looking forward to better days.
Still habits before are still habits now. I still find myself eating burger somewhere if I forget about my resolve. But I will forgive myself immediately and enjoy the burger meanwhile. Then promise to do better. It is within my plan now to only buy necessary things. We have sacks of rice at home and I will do well with those. Not so much first for eat-outs and the like. We will have bread still but that is the minimum. No pizza yet, no coke, no nothings. Soon. Or better yet, we shouldn’t be thinking anymore about those so that in the long run, we’ll save those pennies for more important things. Once in a while would be enough but please, not frequently.
Life teaches us to be wise. It’s up to us if we learn or not. Before we were fools, now we’re wiser than we were. Before, we take things for granted. Now, we appreciate what we have. We use what we have and strive for what we don’t have.
Note: The pieces JUST WHAT MY MIND TOLD ME DURING THIS RAIN and TRUTH: UNMETERED were published on my blogs before. I have them in private now and I have not published them again.
