I struggled waking up this morning. I slept very late and at around 5 am today, I was constantly nudged by my little one. She wanted me to wake up. As in have my eyes opened and be on my toes. I tried telling her off but she insisted that I get out of the bed.
I felt irritated. Why can’t I sleep more? Perhaps I am not that very much needed to sit with them while they sit at the living room. But no, my little one wanted me to just be awake. Just that. So to make it worth waking up, I prepared beverage for the whole family.
I am still sleepy while writing this. I already took my coffee. I ate a little, I fed the dogs, I took a bath, I instructed someone to do this and that.
The rain has stopped at least during this morning. No assurance that it will not rain again in the afternoon. But that is why it is called the rainy season. Otherwise, it is not called so.
I am quite irritable. This probably again is being caused by hormones. Stupid hormones. Then I have to drink water again to keep my mood within pleasant mode.
I wanted to just lie down and waste the day away. To be called sleepy head but still allowed to sleep through the day.
I have no commitment during this day. This is one of the rare moments that I wanted to be just this, just like this, idle and mindless. But somehow, I managed to sit here and write. It would have been better to get the ballpen and paper to write. But I am finding it harder and harder to write with my hands. It is much easier to type. It saves effort. But I knew I had to write on paper again. I still love the act. It is more romantic and it gives me the fulfillment of being able to scribble those words.
In a few days or probably a week, I will have my period and my mood will be better. I have observed my behavior and the pattern is quite clear. I decided to simply let myself be in times before my period begins. No point dragging oneself to do house chores or any other thing. When the cycle progresses, I will have better days.
Other women I know have varying levels of mood shifts. Some of them experience premenstrual syndrome longer than mine while others have quicker mood changes from ugly moods to better moods. Hoping that I will already feel better so I will cease wasting my time which is very much precious if we know its value.
I reluctantly started the pills again. For the sake of regulating my hormones. I had to be diligent in taking it. I needed to take the red ones for my iron supplement. I used to be anemic but thanks to improvement in my diet after getting married, I have become stronger to think that I have already given birth to more than one child. My diet cannot be put to low regard because during the babier days of my children, I had to eat a lot to have something to feed them through my breasts. Those were such priceless moments—breastfeeding while cuddling with the baby.
Somehow, I managed to pull myself from postpartum depression. It was all in the mind. Thanks to the encouragement of my friends and family. I was able to come out of the abyss of depression.
Back to the present, it would have been an ideal time to be washing clothes and basking under the shy sun but again, this is the time I just wanted to be idle. I just hope that the sun won’t hide away too soon so that when my mood lifts, I will see her. And let some vitamin D in.
I wanted to eat junkies right now but is resisting the urge. It will just make matters worse. Chicharon ni Mng Juan may satiate the cravings but I resisted buying it.
Surely, this will pass. It will pass. I just had to use the idle time to think of other things. I should at least put my mind to work and not be as mindless as I wish to for this day.
I look so much forward to getting back on my toes. Hoping to at least be able to read while I am not in the mood for house chores.
