Hi there! My apologies for being inactive for weeks. A lot of things happened. I finally introduced my boyfriend to my family, and that means traveling to our hometown. For almost two years, I came home with a guy beside me. Well, I am back now. And will continue telling you stories about my life, and everything under the sun. I hope everyone is doing fine!
I had been bullied all my life.
You have big eyes.
You are poor. Why are you here in a private school?
Your bangs s*cks.
You are not good enough.
Your fashion statement is horrible.
You are ugly.
Fat.
Those were the common things people tell me. Lately, it’s more of “Why are you fat? You were skinny before”. Honestly, I am no longer happy with it. I don’t know if how long can I hold on to myself. I am losing it. Instead of asking how I am doing with my life, people would directly say on my face that I am fat and big. I am 34 years old, 5ft. and 3inches in height, and 66kg in weight. Is that fat or obese? If it is, is it too much? It is depressing whenever I hear people commenting on me. I just wish that they ask first about my mental health condition. I had been through a lot since I was a kid.
Waking up in the middle of the night remembering words like “Fat” and “Ugly”, makes me cry. I just wanted to disappear. To live alone, away from them. There was a time, not just once or twice that I wanted to die so to at least I can hurt them back and maybe they can say good things for me on my funeral. Times that I was starving myself or hide while I eat. They laugh when I eat. Yes, telling me to not eat a lot even if my plate isn’t full of food.
I remember crying at work because I overhear my colleagues talking about how I dress. They were men. I usually wear long sleeve top to look formal. I don’t wear body fit clothes. Flat shoes, jeans and a pony tail hair. No lipsticks, no make up and I don’t do my eyebrows. I didn’t care what others may think of how I style myself. I look decent and clean, that what was I thought. It hurt my ego when I heard them, of all the people in the office? Men? I lost my confidence. I became distant and silent. Every time there was an after work party, I chose to go home and sleep. I can’t face the same people who ridiculed me.
People, a little compassion and kindness won’t hurt your ego. If you have nothing nice to say, well at least just shut your mouth to avoid hurting people. You might not know what a person is going through. The girl you call fat might starving herself in desperation to lose weight. The person you call ugly might trying hard to improve herself but forgetting her self-worth just to fit in to your standards. Why can’t we just live a life full of compassion and love? Nobody is perfect and flawless. We are just humans and are all equal.