An Artistic Suicide Plan

I am a 42 year old former actor. I say I'm a former actor because I lost my job due to the pandemic conditions and the conditions are not good enough to be able to come back right now.

I mostly acted on the stage. I also took part as a supporting actor in serials broadcast on national channels a few times. I always prefer to be on the theater stage. For me, it's the theater. While it was really difficult to make money from theater acting in my country, it became impossible with the pandemic.

One month before the Covid-19 epidemic started in my country, we made very good plans to expand our current theater program and started to implement them. However, just as things started to develop, the epidemic appeared and all was cancelled. We couldn't do anything for a long time. Even if the market is starting to revive at the moment, it is not difficult, almost impossible to rebuild everything, since we have lost a lot. All that effort wasted.

We had a thriving theater organization in the capital of my country. I would often get together with my friend, who was my stage partner at the time, and talk about how to improve our work. Sometimes when things didn't work out and we couldn't find a way out, my friend would get agitated and ask what to do. And I'd tell him not to worry, if things got too bad, we'd cut our wrists at most.

As the work we do is a difficult one, we often faced great obstacles. I told my friend many times, “Don't worry, if things go wrong, we'll slit our wrists”. I've said this so many times that it has become my obsession. My creative imagination pressured me to edit this wrist cut scene. Many times I have imagined where, how and under what conditions this scene would take place.

I am an artist. I am a theater actor. I've been running some games. I also wrote a few plays. You see, a creative artist has artistic concerns while planning his own suicide scene.

This suicide should not be an ordinary suicide. It should contain dramatic and aesthetic elements suitable for an artist. To be dramatic, the act of suicide must not happen all at once. The act itself must be painful. A bullet to the head would be too simple. Drinking a handful of sleeping pills is too cowardly for an artist. I think committing suicide by slashing the wrists with a razor is a strong choice, befitting an artist. A person who challenges the world with his art defies life by slashing his wrists. It's a melodrama.

An Actor's Artistic Suicide

There is a saying in our culture: "If you say something 40 times, it will happen."

I think psychologists would say I'm suicidal about telling my friend about slitting my wrists so much.

The suicide scene that I have created in my head takes place in the bathroom of a small city hotel. Suicide should not happen at home. If he stays at home, there will be a lot of loneliness inside. No one should die so alone. In a city hotel, outside city noises and colorful city lights can alleviate the feeling of loneliness. Moreover, it can take days to find the body at home. When people find me I still want to be handsome, not rotten. Since I'm only keeping the hotel room for 1 day, everything will be revealed by noon the next day at the latest.

Let's call it an old city hotel. This hotel has an old bathtub in its bathroom as it has a traditional sense. The tub is aesthetic enough for the space where the action will take place.

The walls of the bathroom will be tiled with worn white tiles. These worn and faded tiles will not adequately reflect the weak yellow light in the bathroom. This will provide the light needed for a dramatic scene. Light is important.

The tub should not be placed parallel to the bathroom door and should stand by the bathroom's frosted window.

I'm thinking of placing a music player on the edge of the sink placed right next to the bathroom door. It reinforces the sense of the music scene. My preference would be the soundtrack of the movie "The English Patient". This is also a composition by the German artist Bach. Listening to this song always puts me at ease.

I thought about filling the tub with warm water. It shouldn't be too hot or too cold. Of course, I don't plan on getting into the tub naked. For example, a swimsuit can be instead of underwear.

Yes, everything is considered ready. I know how to make cuts for accurate results. I've researched this topic, but I won't talk about it here now. I don't want to seem like I'm guiding people.

And remember, this is just a fantasy for now. It's a fantasy I enjoy imagining.

Do you think my plan is aesthetic enough?

Note: Some of my friends who read the article thought that I really wanted to commit suicide. I guess this is my fault. At the end of the article, I stated that it was fantasy, but I guess I didn't express it well enough. Frankly, it was a kind of joke between me and my friend I was talking about in this story. I mean, when things went bad, we used to laugh and say, "We're going to slit our wrists at most". It was actually a kind of resistance we showed against the negativities we faced. It was just a joke we laughed at. However, because we were making jokes in an artistic setting as part of our job, we would talk about it in detail as if it were a game scene. This is everything. So everybody calm down. everything is OK.