Fate (Chapter 3)

'I cannot undo

what I have done;

I can't un-sing

a song that's sung.

And the saddest thing

about my regret—

I can't forgive me

and you can't forget.' (Lang Leav)

It was the first year after I got the magic notebook and pen. The first thing I wrote was that I would finish school with excellent grades. I was never the student that stood out in academics but after writing that entry, it felt like magic happened. I started performing well in school that other people started to rely on me which never happened before.

That was also the time I first met Leo in one of my Chemistry Laboratory subject. He was the guy just across me during experiments.

"Your result last week was almost accurate. How'd you do it?" he asked me with his sweet smile. He captivated me with just that one smile. It was the very first time I felt butterflies fluttering inside my stomach.

"I... I calculate everything three times and then, get the mean. That... is all." I was even stuttering which made him giggle. He said that I was an amusing girl and from that, we became close. I helped him in our experiments and he would pair up with me if needed.

However, when the semester ended, there was no longer a subject wherein Leo and I were classmate. I started to crave for an alone time with him. I became greedy that I included him in my entries on the notebook.

At first, I only wrote that during lunch time, we'd eat together and tell each other stories. But something happened.

"Hon, I brought your lunch." That one time when I thought everything was going okay, Gianna appeared. "Hi, you're Lisa, right? I'm Leo's girlfriend, Gianna. He told me about you, thanks for giving him a hand."

That very moment, jealousy clouded my mind. My hand itched, wanting to write on that notebook just for Gianna to disappear from the picture. I felt like a stupid third wheel when she came and I looked more than pathetic in everyone's eyes. It was as if they were saying that I got my hopes up in Leo's kindness.

That day, I wrote my entry; writing that Leo would spend more of his time with me rather than with Gianna.

Every passing day, I couldn't help but feel happy, seeing that Leo and Gianna were fighting often. I was sure that with just a little bit of time, they'd break up. But I was wrong.

During graduation, I decided to keep Leo for myself. In my entry, I wrote; Leo would propose no matter what. That single statement changed everything.

It severed the relationship of Leo and Gianna even though they still loved each other. And in front of everyone, Leo knelt on one knee in front of me and brought out a ring. It was a silver ring that glimmered under the bright lights. It was the happiest day of my life, I couldn't deny that fact. But at the same time, it was the day that Gianna lost her life.

After she begged me to let Leo go, she ran out from the campus with a hurry. She wasn't run over by a car. She didn't fall to her death. She didn't kill herself. It was because I killed her.

Leo ran after her and I was so afraid that he'd leave me so I followed him. I saw them talking and it pained me. Before I could step in and stop whatever conversation they had, Gianna fell on her knees.

"Gia!" That one shout of her name hit me like a lost bullet. It was just one word but it was full of worry... and love.

He turned to me with tears in his eyes and pleaded, "Call an ambulance, hurry!"

Gianna was clutching her chest as she tried to gasp for some air. I did brought out my phone but as I pressed every button of the emergency number, I was wishing that she'd die. That was the worst me. I wished for someone's death for my own good, I was so evil.

She was hurried to the hospital and Leo didn't want to leave unless he sees her safe and sound. But he didn't get to see that moment. Gianna was brought out from the emergency room—cold and lifeless.

With my very own two eyes, I saw how Leo broke into tears. He was leaning on the wall with his head low. I could hear him cry and even at such time, I thought he'd lean on me and would come to love me even just by a tiny bit.

"I'm so sorry," I said but he simply shook his head.

For years, I had kept my secret from Leo. I didn't dare tell him before because I was afraid that he might leave me, that he might tell his vow in front of the altar.

And now that my dream of him becoming one with me had become a painful chain holding us together, I became even more scared. I was scared that if I confess to him about the pen and notebook, he would forever loathe me until his very last breath. But with the magic pen unable to permanently mark the notebook, I felt like I had lost it and now everything was out of control.

I loved him, I still do and will love him for the next days to come but it pained me to see him tolerating our situation.

All of my sins weighed so heavy that it was crushing me. If I keep them all inside me, I'll break. That was why I came to a decision to tell everything to Leo now.

He just came from work and as I undo his tie. I gathered all of my courage to speak.

"Can we talk for a while?" I asked.

He looked at me and did not say anything. I undid his tie, grabbed his coat and put them on the laundry basket. I returned my gaze at him and this time, he was smiling from ear to ear.

"Have you decided to tell me everything?" he asked.