It is indeed paradoxical if I told you right now that I still don't know myself.
I mean, how ridiculous is that? I have been living for more than two decades, but there are still instances that I don't understand my own actions.
Why did I behave that way yesterday?
Why did I suddenly said the words I can't take back?
How could I just throw away my phone due to an unreasonable anger, when I know I'll just regret it?
Those maybe simple instances, but I can tell you, it's much deeper than that.
I love watching interview videos as a past time activity. One type of question method I remember from a certain talk show made me think long and hard. So, the question all starts with these words: What would you do if..?
My mind went into a rabbit hole of random inquiries starting with the said phrase:
What would you do if you sister got really mad at you?
What would you do if the deadline of a project is tomorrow and it's announced just today?
What would you do if your best friend suddenly won't talk to you anymore?
What would you do if there were a zombie apocalypse?
As interesting as I expected, I found these random questions difficult to answer.
Some of you may have formed simple answers as long as you read each of the ones I just indicated. Your mind would've come up with ideas and answers so easily, and you may even have said it immediately and confidently.
My mind honestly went black. I slowly stared at nothingness and muttered these words, "Hey, self. What would you do? Why don't you know? What if those things really happen? Why can't you come up, even with a brief response?"
The truth is, many complicated answers have already visited my mind. It's like the whole library inside my brain suddenly encountered an earthquake, causing all the books inside to reveal their pages. A lot of pages have been opened—suddenly screaming the contents inside, as if it urgently needs attention.
My brain seems to shut down when this happens. I immediately got a response—no, responses. The library in my mind suggested a ton of ideal answers, and it ends like that. It's not supposed to be like that, as far as I know. It should at least do a quick skimming of all the millions of pages and highlight one remarkable response. It should do that at least.
I won't say I have a brain nor mental problem. I just find it so hard to understand. Why in the world can't I comprehend how my own brain works? It's like I have always lived my life in doubts.
Is this a symptom of being an over-thinker? Because I admit, I am one. I have made at least a couple thousands of decisions in my whole existence, but everytime I do, the doubt is still there.
Did I do the right thing?
Should I just have done the other one instead?
What if everything goes wrong?
What am I supposed to do?
Whenever I recall a certain event, I can't help feeling upset.
I read my past response to messages on Facebook and I constantly scold myself. I should have resisted more. I should have insisted my 'No'.
I should have at least defended myself from his insulting remarks.
I should have at least told her this and not left her hanging like that.
Lots of regret going on, just normal me. Just a lot more of losing trust in myself because of these regrets, eventually leading me to become more and more estranged from myself.
Understanding myself is so hard for me. That fact alone is also difficult to solve. It's like having a part of me for long time, but I still see it as a stranger.
This perception of myself is very wrong, I know. I, of all, should be the one to answer all personal questions first, before anyone else.
I have accustomed myself to just relying on others about how I should do my thing, because I fear or making a wrong move by my own.
While writing this, I continue to realize how coward of a woman I am. Instead of keeping my heart alive by doing and insisting on the things I really like, I chose to ignore its calls. I chose to hide it inside, where it grew tired of calling me. My mind has forgotten to consult my heart so I have become used to making decisions based on what is considered 'practical'. I forget that I should choose my happiness because listening to my heart for once will take me a step closer to knowing myself again.
My heart has kept all my desires inside and unknowingly just conformed to what my mind has accustomed to do. I forgot that the mind and the heart are supposed to work hand in hand, instead of ignoring each other.
I think it's the only answer I came up with on tonight's meditation. The harmony between the mind and the heart is the secret to knowing myself more.
What the heart wants, should be communicated to the mind. What the mind gets, should be processed into a better piece of information that analyzes the correctness and appropriateness of the heart's request. If they both finally agree, then the person can confidently lay out the right answer to questions life has to offer.
Now, I did a simple test and asked myself a really random question:
What would you do if you have discovered a way to end COVID?
For the first time in a long time, my mind isn't blank at all. It's like I could hear the imaginary voices of my heart and my mind talking.
Here's what my heart said: "No more beating around the bush, reveal it to the world!"
My mind spoke, "That is not immediately possible. It's better if we do this instead. Inform someone with better knowledge and influence. Gather help from medical professionals you know. Let them prove it themselves, only then we can be confident in letting the whole world know."
This internal conversation put a smile on my face. Usually, I would have heard this instead:
Heart: Hey! The time is now! We have to—
Mind: Shut up! My colleague would think I am ridiculous for doing that. What if I just keep it a secret until I am confident enough? Or maybe I should just leave it outside a medical facility, I don't want my identity to be known! No, this one is better... I think I should...
I must stop this here since there are roughly seventy-seven ideas that are piled up in the 'pending' section of my personal brain library.
I am still working on in the process of restarting myself again. Restarting by avoiding the wrong ways I have get used to, gaining courage to discover and share what I like and what I don't, just about everything that would make me know and understand myself more.
I think it will be a tough battle. It's because I have gotten used to not even try digging inside the chambers of myself. There, inside, I see my estranged character, all alone and neglected.
Now I have probably made the first step to knowing who I really am; listening to my own voice inside, before agreeing to what others will say.
This late night meditation has been helpful to me, as I was able to take a better look at things, and realize more about learning to love and accept myself.
Even, just by a little percent, I know I have come to get to know myself more, and it's more than enough.
What do you think about my late night random thoughts? I would love to know your insights on this one. Thank you a lot for being here. I write original articles of various fields, you may want to check them out, it means so much to me. ♥️
Until next time, my friends! 🌼
#thoughts #latenight #sharing #heart #mind #harmony #personal #experiences #lessons #self
Lead Image: Girl looking at the mirror
