Reflections

I still can't believe the world has changed so much now. Whenever I try to observe it deeply, I sometimes can't help but be emotional at just how worse most of the things have turned out to be.

I miss the beach, the social gatherings where we can talk freely with people we're comfortable with, not wearing face masks, nor minding social distancing. I miss working while being able to breathe properly because there's no mask bothering my face. I miss the days when I can see clearly because I used to not wear face shields.

I wish being able to live without anxiety of catching the virus. Right now, it is actually weird and uncomfortable to see myself working without a mask. I can't believe I once experienced that. Now, I am not okay with revealing my face while working because something feels off: Oh, I have no mask on. Shoot.

I hate how this pandemic has turned the world into a place full of anxious people, how it affected the world's economyto a great deal, and how it stole people's supposed to be memorable moments. Weddings and graduations are done online. Classes and meetings are done virtually. Though techonoly was more utilized, I can still say, it has made things more difficult actually. I have a brother who suffers with online class because learning is hard especially when internet in this country is so slow. There are just some things better off done face to face, but COVID is just like, not now, bish. Not on my watch.

I am growing mad at how hard it is to find a cure until this virus will be not a tgreat anymore, and will just be a normal flu. It has been almost two years, and we still rely to the hope that people who gets the virus don't die. Vaccines are not fully reliable, too, as it does not ensure 100% protection against this virus.

I don't know, I hate this. I think that this is the most unfortunate thing to ever visit this generation. I can't stress enough how I abhor it. I want to skip to the times when it des not exist anymore.

I want to sleep it all out and jist wake up not worrying about pandemic anymore. Now is the time that I want a genie who'll grant me three wishes, because I will surely state my first wish without any doubt: Eliminate the whole existence of COVID, and future pandemics. Is that possible though? Can Genie do that though?

I could only pray and pray because I have no power to see and annihilate it. I wish this was all over.

Monday morning. I had a hearty bread breakfast. The next twenty to thirty minutes were spent having fun dancing to zumba videos on Youtube. I did sweat a lot, and I felt energized. Zumbas are good, indeed! And fun!

I totally forgot about this article I started around six in the morning, because of stuff like this. I also had some laundry done, and soaked the rest. Maybe I'll do that later. Maybe tomorrow.

Monday afternoon. I feel.. I can't explain what I am feeling. I am always stuck between what people around me say. It is so hard to hear what I really want because I kept on listening to these two oppossing forces outside. In the end, I acted according to what they want, and somehow, in the middle, so no more clashing. I am sorry, I know it is so vague again. I always share thoughts like this without showing details, because, in fact, I still sometimes tend to hide some things about me. It turns out that I still keep some stuff hidden to mysef and not still give the hundred percent in writing.

I don't know what to feel honestly. Because I don't know what I want. In the end, I still end up making their opinions matter more than my own. Seriously, when will I learn to speak up when I am freakin' indecisive like this? It's annoying. I feel upset. I just want to resolve this emotion by crying, but I also can't cry. I want to share my thoights to someone but my lips are too lazy to move. I want to express this feelings through the right wordings that you may understand, but it always comes across as vague, like this one. I apologize.

Why do I always have to get torn in between others' influences? One is a family, one is work-related. Their voices are louder than my own voice inside. I know my inner voice also want to suggest ideas, but it was so soft and easily overwhelmed by others' opinion. It's that I always neglect my own judgment because I have been used of not relying to my own decisions. I always had feelings that I am in a wrong path when I listen to myself.

It's because when I open up my own, personal side, I am countered with negative responses. They always instill in me thise what ifs of my own opinion. Tht if I proceed with my own plans, I will fail. That their point is right, and mine is not. And being the fool I am, I also believe it. Not through words mybe, but through my own actions. I always submit to them anyway. At the end of the day, I listen to them more that I listen to myself. And it's pure bullcr*p.

I am afraid that if this goes on any longer, the voice of mine will just get tired of speaking and be completely hidden inside. That I won't be able to make difficult choices on my own, because I always listened to other voices.

It was a gloomy afternoon, and I can't seek to cheer up again. Time to pray. Time to listen to my favorite podcast. Time to sleep. Ultimately, I want this year to end already. I want to be in a better situation, or a better condition. Maybe I am overthinking things again, I always have. I should take things slow, and remember that not everything is under my control. That I should stop blaming myself for what has been done and just get it over with.

This is a silent afternoon and perfect for a power nap. Let me just think of things I am grateful of, because I am starting to drown myself in negativities again. Elle, and everyone.. it is NOT healthy. Worrying and regrets do not solve the problem. Sometimes just letting it pass is the best thing to do, and that's what I am planning to do.

Sleep it all away and hoping that all will be well once I wake up. To realize that I was just being over reactive to things, and situation is not that bad in reality. I really hope I was just overthinking. I really hope everything's just okay.

Let me just imagine myself lying down on a cradle located in the seashore, while I hear the waves of the water. Smile and look forward to better days, being strong to get by through another tormenting day, and just don't care, in general.

RM is right. Every life's a movie. We've got different stars and stories. We've got different nights and mornings. Our scenarios ain't that boring.

Thank you for the great reminder, Moonchild. I feel comforted even just a bit. I will be fine. I believe it.

-Elle ♥️

ps. Lead Image is a screenshot of Spotify, a song I treasure.