Letter to Self

I disliked the rain earlier this evening. It was so strong that our roofs were all noisy from all the raindrops, and we could barely hear the television show we were watching.

Now, it is silent and only the strong cries of the frogs are heard. The kitten is suddenly awake and I just moved my toes so she can have something to play with while I am typing this. It's because she won't leave my earphones and charger cable alone.

I see a moving image inside my mind. I see myself sitting on that desk illuminated by a dim lamp while the main bulb is turned off. A pair of earphones is placed in my ears and I listen to a podcast to feel something nice. And I am writing on this little notebook continuously, silently.

Dear Mich,

Why are you so down today? What could be the reason you are feeling empty? Oh, you don't know? Why is it that you find it hard to understand yourself? How vould you express how you feel to others when you yourself can't identify it?

It maybe really hard to be you. Look at you right now; you did not do heavy tasks, in fact, you just did the laundry, and the dishes. You shopped groceries because it was a payday. And the rest, it was just you and your phone. You watched episodes of the current Chinese Drama you are hooked into, and it ate most of your day. When you come to think of it, nothing has really been productive.

Anyway, I am not writing this to guilt-trip you more, because you've always done that. You are so good at being hard on yourself girl. Take a break.

I just want to thank you for pushing through everyday, even it's so hard. I mean, you don't really experience such heavy hardships, but it's the constant feeling of being miserable that always sticks with you every single day, and I know that it's not a joke. You were not like that before. You used to be to carefree, not minding those problems that much. All these years, I think you've changed somehow. You are so good at saying you are strong, and you can do it. You are so genius in cheering yourself up, and even others even in difficult situations. But what does not sit right with me is your night thoughts that are always full of burdening sadness.

Every night, some suffocating thoughts still invade your consciousness somehow, even you fought well through the day. You really know how to be strong, even you seem to be crumbling inside. Well, who am I to judge? I can't now distinguish whether you are really fine or not. Are you fine? See? Even you can't answer me. Why are you a stranger to yourself? Please make it make sense.

Nevertheless, thank you for always putting up a good fight everyday. I know that from hour to hour, you always had thoughts of giving up whatever you're doing and just let it all go, so you can rest. Thank you for ignoring those repeatitive whispers to escape this exhausting reality of life. You really impress me dude. You really are like "Sure, I still can, of course!" to others whenever they ask how you manage to do stuff, even they're more than what you really should take. I don't just know if you're just dumb to be truthful or you just have a knack for being a martyr sometimes.

Tired? No? Your answer does not match your tired appearance. You really don't have to deny it, I could see through those aged face of yours, you are slowly getting sick of where you are right now. Wait, you tryin' to stop me? Why? Stop denying it already.

You are sick of it all, period. Don't say otherwise now, you just look stupid denying it. It's not like I am saying you look su*cidal or something, so you don't have to put your guard up so much. Stop being defensive, girl. I am you, so I kind of understand. It's okay, girl. It's okay that you still feel that way even you have God to comfort you, in my opinion.

It is not always true that when you have God, you can just smile through all the pain. God did not promise a flowery path for you, darling, so you can stop forcing yourself to be okay when you're not. Faith does not teach us hypocrisy. You are child of God, and you still feel anxious? Why not? That's not wrong, I think. Sure thing, you can tell everyone out there you are fine, but not to my face.

All will be well, darling. Thanks for still living well even there are days you lack the energy to keep going. I know it's hard when the first thing you ask yourself every morning is "Is there something nice to look forward to today?" —Oh. Did I hit the bull's eye? I definitely guessed it right.

Please, for the love of chips and yogurt drink, stop invalidating your emotions. You feel that you don't have a reason for feeling miserable because you have a better life than others who have it worse. You feel that you're feeling worse for a petty reason. You feel that your struggles are not enough to be source of real anxiety and sadness. Oh, come on. Dumb girl. What's easy to others maybe hard for for you, and that's damn OKAY. You are sad because you are sad. You are sad, but others have more right to be.. stop it. It's time to stop thinking about whether you should be sad or not, and just start accepting how you feel. It's the first step to healing.

Thank you for being a nice person even you have lots of not-so-nice thoughts of people sometimes. I appreciate it when you chose to understand others even you feel unfair always.

Thank you for working hard even it affects your overall well-being. For choosing to keep going even you badly crave for a break. For still pushing through even you had lots of thoughts to give up. For staying strong even you break down secretly in specific nights. Thanks a lot for trying hard to become a good person everyday, even there are days you want everyone to just be out of your sight, so you could hear what you want for yourself. You are just so good at giving others favor, but so hard at treating yourself what you deserve.

I am sorry for forcing you to stay awake even your eyes are tired. There is really no sensible stuff to watch, but I somehow keep you scrolling until 2 a.m. just because I want you to feel something instead if feeling empty. I am sorry for disappointing you many times when you really want to say No, but in the end, I still make you say Yes. I am sorry for being so hard on you especially on rare times. I should be the one cheering you up, instead of bringing you down more, or blaming you. I am sorry that I still tend to remind you some ugly memories from the past that only refreshes your regrets you tried to forget years ago.

I am sorry for always making you feel that you are not beautiful enough. I am sorry that my insecurity sometimes overwhelms you that you can't seem to appreciate what you see in the mirror. I really want to tell and remind you that you are indeed beautiful, and that's a fact, but for some reason, I always pinpoint your flaws and make you feel bad about yourself. I am really sorry.

I am sorry that you have to feel this way right now. I can't even do anything to lift your mood. I am sorry.

I genuinely hope that things will be better soon. I hope that you'll be okay the soon-est as most possible. I hope that in the future, you'll understand yourself more, and embrace that real YOU. Because as long as you don't understand yourself, you can't make others understand you as well.

I won't tell you to cheer up because I know that does not help. Instead, let me tell you to get a good sleep, mutter even just a short prayer, and don't dwell much on those sh*tty emotions. Pray, and pray, because God gives the warmest hugs, and unbeatable peace and comfort. Remember that, darling.

I know that understanding me would be also a long process. Knowing me will take a lot more time, but I do hope that you'll still not surrender. However, I will just always be here, staying right beside you, waiting for you, until that very time that we could embrace each other.

Love,

Yourself.

Thanks for reading, everyone. ♥️ Until next time.

-Elle ✨

• Lead Image from Unsplash