How do we get back to doing things responsibly?

06/23/2023

There were silly moments I just write down every single thing that comes to my mind at whatever moment. Maybe that is the side of me that wants to document specific happenings, specific emotions and specific memories. It's something I know I'd look back to one day, and maybe just laugh or cry about.

This is one of those days I'd just want to release all pent up thoughts and ideas. I am letting my quite intrusive thoughts out in the open, for every willing audience to see, no matter how childish it may sound.

It's coming in a few seconds, so please brace thyselves. And please, please let me know the steps I can take. Or maybe share some insights if you relate.

Okay, here I go. (These thoughts were originally written last June 23rd).

Dear whoever you are,

I have this very complicated love-hate relationship with studying. It's something I do now because I have to, but let me tell you this honestly: I am so done with studying. I am trying my best, but I just grow to resent this everyday.

I am not saying studying is bad. I am just so over it. Yet people here tell me to continue doing it. I was pushed to do this.

Well, it's hard to explain, but I have already graduated many years ago, and already working. The program I chose has a licensure exam one should take for better job opportunities, etc. Personally, I want the license, but I feel like... not now? I am not in the best condition to actually be motivated to do it.

Why did I do it, then, you ask?

It's because I have been convincing myself to take risks, and do uncomfortable things, so I can grow. And it's not bad to study, right? It's actually good. Moreover, I am still young and have more vigor to do things like this. I know you'd be saying the same thing when I ask you for advice. It's better to do this than nothing. I don't want to continue living life as a mediocre someone who did not do something great.

My thoughts are clashing, and it's driving me nuts. I hate doing this things, even I know I have to, and once I get the license, I know I'd be happy. But the process is sure ugly! It's funny how I try holding back my tears and rage when I am reading, or watching lecture videos. It's insane. My whole system reacts as if I am doing something that's tormenting it.

I am not even exaggerating. I resent people whom I chose to listen to. I enrolled for the classes because they kept pressuring me, sending me posts on social media about others of my age doing it, and successfully passing it like—it really made me feel horrible. It just makes me so enraged that they aren't aware how their words affect someone who's just trying to get by.

Oh my goodness. This is getting dramatic, I don't intend this to be sad.

Anyway, this is just me looking for willpower to do what I got myself into. I am running out of time, but I can't just kick start everything. I can't move. My feet are stuck in the same place, and my brain doesn't know what to do.

Right mow, I am doing this instead of studying. I am the type to just feel the real deal of terror when thing's due tomorrow. I am confused. This is also a confusing train of thoughts, I do apologize.

I was just trying to stay afloat by gaslighting myself that this is ALL definitely gonna be over soon. And I just have to patiently bear with those few tormenting months. The. let myself go after. I'd definitely spoil myself with lots of heckin' sleep, drama series, movies, foods, vacation trips maybe, or even attending nice concerts. I'd really give myself a nice treat I deserve for being such a pushover most of my life.

I hate being swayed easily. I hate being so indecisive and so timid about how I feel, so others just unknowingly trample on my opinions. I hate that I have a voice but don't have the courage to increase its volume so it can be louder than their criticisms. I am a mess in a way. It's a very subtle part of me that anyone would never see unless he'd take a closer look, or use a magnifying glass. I am so good at hiding my revolting comebacks that they never see the light of day.

Maybe that's the reason I actually have developed this weird habit of making inner debates within my mind? I know I am one of many countless other people who re-enact actual events and changes the actual outcome in my imagination, turning it in a way that favors me the most.

Let me know I am not the only one, so I can sleep in peace. You see, I still have work tomorrow but I can go on rambling all day about how I feel right now.

Okay, if you don't understand nor even relate with everything that's been shared, it's okay. Congratulations. Congratulations you're set for life. Congratulations you already are sure of the path you're taking, and for being courageous enough to fight for it, even that'd mean disappointing people who expected so much for your burdened, exhausted self. Give me some of that. I could use some really well.

Thanks for coming up to this point. I know this is not everyone's cup of tea, but I decided this is my own author account, so I definitely decide what kind of work I publish. Writing is also my way of releasing stress and escaping from reality, so I'd make sure to cut myself some slack when doing it here. After all, there are no rules for what I can write. Judgy people may have a say, it's okay, live thy lives. I'll try hard and live mine, as well.

Let's see each other again when I visit!

To God be the Glory.

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