A deafening alarm from my alarm clock awakens me from a deep yet a short sleep. I remembered finishing the last set of huge laundry at 1 AM, making me feel exhausted until now and while finding some reason not to get up, the clock bangs another alarm that made me able to turn it off and besides it would make the kids awake too. I gathered all my will to bail out from the bed and drowsily pave the way to the kitchen. The popping of toasted bread is simultaneous to the continuous crow of the rooster which Aling Nena owns. Bacon, fried rice and toasted breads filled the table with its recently usual arrangement, aligned in the center together with the 2 pairs of spoon and fork, 2 plates and 2 glasses. Though everything seems complete the house still giving an empty ambiance.
“I GTG” Amara, my oldest daughter said after storming out from her room, the reason behind the two sets of plates and utensils is that she told me that she will not eat with us every morning, but wait, what does GTG mean by the way ? “Mom!” little Amie caught my attention, she’s continuously rubbing her eyes as if it would wake up her spirit, not until she saw the bacon on her plate. Her favourite food, I could sense that bacon is what she want for breakfast today, Mother instinct you know. “How’s your sleep Amie?” I asked while putting some rice on her plate because as expected she immediately seated on her chair after knowing the existence of the bacon for breakfast. "It was good; Dad was on my dream I got to see his face again” innocently flashes a big smile. I know, accepting their father’s lost would be difficult and a long term process, were all facing the same dilemma though. A dilemma that make no bones in begetting our most vulnerable days. It’s been a year and a half since he was taken away from us.
Memories is the only thing that make us still moving, fighting and it can surely prove that we’re once a happy and complete family. There are lot of weird things we share together and one of those is cleaning the whole house every Saturday as if it was the most delightful thing to do, trimming grass, washing cars, sweeping the floor, folding the clothes, putting things in order and more, after that day you wouldn’t notice that our house was once a jungle. Eating waffles with honey on top of it every Sunday morning when the breeze is so gentle that putting us asleep is in labelled to our quiet bonds. Another thing we do is watching old movies which were owned by Paul, my husband, when he was a little, Paul is fond of collecting great comedy movies back then, and watching those movies are always making us laughing our lungs out! Every midnight when everyone wasn’t in the mood to sleep, we satisfy ourselves by eating cookies and ice cream while playing board games that usually ends when Amara and Paul just finally won towards me and Amie, they never won in any of our games it’s just that we are too sleepy and let them win. When rainy season came, sipping hot chocolate topped with marshmallows is the best thing to do, aside from sleeping the whole day. Our bond together made me feel assured that whatever happens this family will never be take the count. But there are things that is inevitable. Drastic change of our lives came without notice, without telling us that ‘hey you should’ve to be ready, a catastrophe is approaching’. We found out that Paul have a Stage C Heart failure, his first heart attack is the last. We didn’t know anything about what is going on with him, he didn’t even say a word, and we didn’t even asked. We did not asked because we never saw any symptoms of whatever disease he might have, he’s a healthy living guy, but we learned that it was from a family history, his grandfather died also in a heart failure. His sudden lost was so depressing, but sure he will not be happy if we keep on living in the past, so I chose to move forward.
After making sure the house is locked, I escorted Amie to the nursery school near the Village that is out of way to the office. As I entered the office, Alice welcomed me with a big hug and started bragging her sister’s gift to her from Paris. “OMG! As soon as I saw her holding the paper bag of channel I knew my heart was pumping so fast! It’s like I’m going to see my other half! And when I finally saw wth inside I was still in shook! It’s an original Channel Bag!” Alice with her high-pitched voice and unfamiliar use of words, I don’t even know what’s OMG, wth or that shook she’s saying. Why these people using eccentric words nowadays? I want to be enlighten. In front of our desk, I found the new list of the things we need to be passed today, I wonder when did they start putting a to-do list in that wall. After lunch, Alice got a chance to nag me about how awful I do not know those words, I told her about that, and now I regret it. “You gotta make a to-do list of the things you should know about what’s new! And maybe by that you and Amara will be close again? Ohh! I’m so witty!” and then left me dumbfounded. Could it be true? That night, I convinced myself to do what Alice has said, maybe it’ll work, I have nothing to lose here anyway.
TO-DO LIST, 1. Look for a breakfast that would caught Amara’s attention. So, the next morning I searched on the internet what are the millennial teen agers want for breakfast. I found a site named The Breakfast Club, and saw a photo of a ‘monster’ sandwich with an omelette and some veggies inside formed in a mouth-watering way. Copying its form ate a lot of effort and time, but I think it turned out well when Amara went to the table and took few shots of it. “It’s nice Mom, I gotta post it to IG” she said before heading her way out of the house. Amie, on the other hand is just looking at the sandwich and asked. “Where’s the bacon Mom?” Amara is always like that, it seems like nothing really bad happened to her, I know she really missed her dad but she’s trying to divert her attention to other things to forget him. I wish I could help my daughter.
I didn’t tell Alice that I am doing her suggestion, I didn’t like feeding her ego but I am also thankful for her so I gave her the sandwich, Amara did not eat. “When did you know this kind of food?” I just shrugged, after lunch I’m simply asking her what are the new trends and she asked me to come with her at the mall.
TO-DO LIST, 2. Buy the latest OOTD. “These are what we call Outfit of the Day” and starts to spin around in the different boutiques in the mall. We ended up buying denim shirt and pleated skirt to be tucked in to highlight the waist and roll up the sleeves in a nonchalant way. I placed it in a paper bag together with the flawless low top sneakers, and put it in her table. I also bought Amie a really nice dress and she love it I hope Amara too. Tomorrow morning, I was in shocked when I’ve heard a loud ‘kyaah!’ from Amara’s room, and found out that she really like that ‘OOTD’ when she hugged me so tight. “Mom! Is this for me? I really love it! Where did you bought these?” And I told her where, we also talked about what happened to her day yesterday, I enjoyed it so much that I forgot the open faucet. I shouldn’t let other things interrupt our moment. “I have the list of the words we used nowadays”
TO DO LIST, 3. Ask for the terms they’re using and apply it when you speak. I was completely oblivious while talking to Amara earlier because of the strange words she’s saying like AF, TBH, so I figured out that I need to know their ‘language’ as well to communicate with her easily. “Btw, how much did you spent yesterday at the mall?” Alice suddenly asked. Well, it’s quite big, Amara should not always buy those kind of clothes. It would make her wallet empty a lot. “What does AF means?” trying to change the topic.“Oh! AF basically used as a way to emphasize a concept, here take a look at this, I’ll just submit something to Ms. Alonzo” I took the piece of paper and starts to understand its meanings. When I got home, I saw Amara at the living room while using her phone and keeps on scrolling. “Sup? Does your day spent well?” I asked, feeling nervous for this is my first time uttering those words that’s why ‘sup’ is the first thing that came into my mind. “Tbh Mom, you’re getting weirder everyday but I like it. The struggle is real at school but the street food buffet was so lit!” Street food? She may get some sick by eating those foods besides she has low immunity. “We should try that Mom!” I reluctantly smiled and agree to her request, Amara and Amie stayed at the living room doing their things while I started to think of Amara’s life style, I know she’s skipping meals at her school, or in morning. How would I tell her to stay every morning and eat breakfast with us, without affecting our relationship right now? Bothered, but I still managed to prepare Bicol Express for them as dinner.
The next morning, Amara joined us in breakfast which is quite unusual but I can say a big improvement, she asked if she could sleep at her friend’s house for a group study near at their school, with her pleading eyes, I granted her request. Maybe she need a breather, hanging up with her friends might help.
TO DO LIST, 4. Let her enjoy with her friends, that night only the two of us, Amie and me sleep at the house, Amara did not went home that morning and came at home very late. Amara’s face shows limpness as she directly went at her room. I wonder what happened in their group study. Weeks had passed, the list continues and we get closer than before, we ate at the streets, watched the newest movie, buy new clothes, and always doing the ‘mother and daughter goals’, I am so happy for what relationship we have now, even Amie is felicitous on our situation. Alice suggestion is indeed a big help.
One fine Saturday, while Amie is cheerfully toying her kitchen set at the backyard I received a call from her friends to go at a certain St. Mary Hospital because Amara was run in the Hospital due to unexpected faint while they were at the mall. Different emotions rapidly perceive by my mind and heart, wth happened to her? I unconsciously grab Amie’s hand and my bag and stormed out from the house and tried to get there as fast I ever could. Nothing in my mind is straight it was filled with fear and too much what ifs. As we finally came at the Hospital, I almost lost my breathing when I found her lying at the bed with apparatus attached in her body. It was not just a simple faint; it was freaking heart attack for freaking sake! The doctor said it was from a family history too, inherited by Paul’s side, he also said that Amara is in Stage B Heart failure, her situation was by her lifestyle, her lack of sleeps and eating too much sweets and other foods that are prohibited to the people who have heart failure. When the doctor leaves, I immediately grab her hand, and started crying. I look for my to-do list in my bag, but it is nowhere to be found, I asked Amie if she sees it but she said not, I smiled at her and tried to stop crying because she’s also crying too. A nurse entered the room with Amara’s things and left us right away. I found a paper bag with my name on it, but before I open the bag I found my to-do at Amara’s bag. I flip the pages up into its last and found her hand writing, TO DO LIST, 31 Tell Amara the things she shouldn’t do. Tell her stop being a brat to her Mom. With that, cluster of tears comes out from my eyes. She read it, she wanted to be corrected, and I should’ve done it before. I should’ve tell her to sleep on time, I should’ve tell her not to skip meals, I should’ve tell her to eat healthy foods, eat sweets less. I should’ve take a good care of her. ”M-mom” a wimpish voice escape from her mouth. “I bought you a blouse you really want, I hope you like it” At this point I want to hug her really tight and not let her go. “I’m so sorry Amara, It was my entire fault” “No, Mom it was me who abused my body, I’m so sorry for such a brat to you and Amie, I’m sorry and I hope Dad could forgive me too.” She said between her sobs. After that Amie and Amara fell asleep, I went to the doctor again and discussed the treatments for Amara.
There are things in life that happened which are not in line with what you have planned, things happen unexpectedly, that goes out of your hand, the things we thought we need to do are the things that we shouldn’t.