I remember my first real relationship. It was beautiful in all ramifications. Do I regret we broke up? Yeah
Do I miss her still? Yeah
Do I feel I could have done more? Yeah
Do I want her back? Uhmmm... Before I answer that let me tell you guys the story
So we were this teenage power couple. We had everything mapped out. We loved the same things and the stuff we had different views about, we talked maturely about it.
We had a future I swear. Everything made sense with this girl. it was real, no faking it, no pretense, just the two of us.
We were in a community relationship. Everyone in her street knew who I was. The corn seller called me inlaw, the woman who sells provisions in a small kiosk calls me "our son", her mom embraced me like a man fit for her daughter. Her siblings were my best friends, I mean what could go wrong?
One time she wanted to come to my place but I left early to go get something, I left my key inside my shoe that was outside. This girl went to my place and called me. I thought she was calling to ask me where my key was but naa... she was already inside my house, Calling for something else... how did you know where I dropped my key? I asked, "well I know you", She replied. We were that connected, we could predict our moves, complete our words.
They said everything good always comes to an end... not us, never... We swore to fight for our love. We read books about relationships. Yeah, we did. We explored. We were so scared of losing what we had that before we even started losing it, we were already fighting for it. Now that's where the problem came. We were fighting for what's ours already... We let the world in... It was supposed to be just her and me, but no, we were too scared that we forgot everything, all our promises, how far we've come, we forgot it all. One book at a time, One advice at a time and we slowly lost touch with reality.
We hated going out to eat as a couple, we preferred to cook indoors, but one of those relationship books said we should go out as often as we could. We hated the idea but if this book worked for millions, it should work for us too, and so we went out. We hated It but we did.
We began doing what the world saw as a perfect relationship and forgot what we felt was perfect. We wanted to please the world. We were fixing what wasn't broken.
So imagine a doctor performing surgery on a perfectly normal person. Something somewhere is bound to go wrong, And so it began, everything began to go wrong. We were so engrossed in the thoughts of losing ourselves that we began to lose ourselves. We lost touch, we became more of what-ifs and not what we wanted. The world had caught up with us.
The corn seller saw this coming and advised us, you don't have to do it, but we didn't listen. The relationship book said it would work. And so one book said, "stay away from each other for a week and you'll understand how important you are to yourselves". We already knew how important we were to each other, so why did we do it? but the book said so. Other people confirmed it works, so we did. One week became two weeks and two weeks became a month, and a month became two months. You know how it works. And so gradually, we learned instead, how to live without the other.
And after all the fights and struggling, After the sleepless nights and teary eyes, Days we would be in each other's arms but we were worlds apart, I remembered the first time I made her cry or the first time she yelled at me, everything began to be a first time for bad stuff. After all the fight and energy we put in, We knew it was over. We stood no chance. The world was already in between us and we could not fight it anymore.
So on January 30th, 2014. On my birthday, I broke up with her, not because we were enemies or anything, but because we let them tear us apart. She knew it was over, But she didn't have the strength to break it up. And I didn't want that burden on her, so I took that burden from her and I broke it up myself, on my birthday, so I can everyday remember what it feels like if you ever let the world come into your relationship. Always do you.
She cried and cried. I cried too, not in front of her, I had to be the bad guy. I knew she had to hate me to move on. So I made her hate me, So she could move on. That's how much I loved her. Now everyone who saw a future in our relationship became disappointed. her family now hates me. But that's fine. I did what I had to do. They say I broke her heart. We both knew it was over and we were holding on to something we let go of a long time ago. No one cared to ask me about the countless nights I spent crying, Forcing myself not to pick up the phone and ask to tell her we should give our love another chance. It would only break us more. Better an injured soldier than a dead one, a broken heart than a dead one.
So, Do I want her back? I guess you know the answer now.