January 21st, 2021

It's a very busy and tiring week indeed. I did not notice that it's already the 4th week of January. So far, 2021 is full of blessings and surprises. However, a lot of my workmates are planning to resign and apply to a different company because of stress and most of us are always working beyond the shift due to a huge amount of workloads.

This article is about random things. I just wanna release everything that's bothering me for the past few weeks.

I'm feeling burnout. not because I'm working really hard but because still, I'm seeing people here in the house who choose not to help me even if they can. I am feeling tired because I want something for myself but I end up spending on the people who are capable of working but they choose not to because I'm already earning for our living.

I shared this with some of my close friends. That is the first time that I told them about my family. I was surprised that they are aware of how I feel and I felt really comfortable while sharing what I'm going through.

One thing they told me, leave the house. They said those people will not gonna learn how to stand on their own if I still let them think that I have no problem spending money on them which supposed to be for my mom and sibs alone.

I always thought of leaving this house but one thing is hindering me from doing so. My mom doesn't want to leave the house because no one will take care of those people, the house.

My peace of mind has been set aside for a long time. I always think that leaving this house will only cause trouble for our family. but most of the time, I am annoyed by how those people behave. They have no respect for everything. They have no respect for the food that my mom prepares because whatever my mom cooks they will cook a different one that will suit their fancy tastebuds. They don't care about you. All they know is how they can survive by being a burden.

A burden to me they are. I wanna tell them that I am just a 25year old guy who still wants to do a lot of things but I feel like I am tied to these obligations. An obligation to raise a child that is not even mine. It's not my fault that their father leaves them at an early age even if it's an accident, I should not be the one who's raising these kids. Am I wrong for having this point of view? Am I wrong for having these thoughts, I may be wrong because the kids are my nephews and niece and they don't have any place to go except here and their grandmother's house.

But I tell you, my sister has been a pain in the arse ever since she decided to settle down. My parents only accepted them after she gave birth to her first child. but my sister and her husband worked together while my mom takes care of the baby.
This is one of the reasons why I am super against teenage pregnancy. The parents are the first to suffer since they can't still stand on their own.

What grinds my gear is they can't give anything to my mom for taking care of the kids. They already saved a lot of money by not hiring a nanny, how about giving something to my mom. but no, during payday they told my younger sibs to bring the kids back home while hiding everything they bought. Until now, I am not okay with this setup. For years, they use my parents as someone who will fetch the kids to school, someone who will prepare them for school. But my parent got nothing in return.

Sometimes, I can't help myself but feel bad about my mom too because she keeps on letting my sister do that to her. My point of view will always be different from them because they're already a grandparent and they always want the best for their grandchildren. but I can't stand this anymore. I've been keeping this inside of me for a long time. The hatred, my resentments from them. I don't know how long can I hold on to this.

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